Three 20-something women trying to figure out what it means to be lay, Catholic, and modern all at once.

September 17, 2009

Hard to be a Woman

Yesterday, in my 3 month evaluation, my boss praised me for being even keeled and steady. But today, in a meeting, with an outside consulting firm, I cried.

We were discussing a project I had been working on. I understood perfectly what was being discussed--we needed to entirely restructure the work. I understood that they were not knocking me or critiquing my work--in fact they admired it--but at lot of changes had to be made that I never could have been aware of. And there I sat fighting back tears. Then my boss said: "Are you all right?" and I said "Yes" and he said "No you're not." and then I really started crying.

And then they were all so nice to me for the rest of the meeting.

I cannot honestly tell you why I broke down like that. More than anything I am embarrassed--not to have been seen crying, crying is natural and I'm not ashamed of it--but to have been crying over such a seemingly little thing. My boss, I don't have to worry about; I know he thinks well of my work and is grateful for it.

But the others! Goodness, I already feel out of their league in terms of knowledge and experience. And this project is actually something I know about, and I worked hard on it. But there I am crying like a baby for no apparent reason.

On the other hand, at my last job I never would have cried--I was too angry all the time to cry about anything. I remember thinking again and again: I should cry when I get home. It'll do me good. But I never could.

Crying shows I care. I'll take that. And a kleenex, please.

1 comment:

Julian said...

It seems like the 3 month evaluation at work is like the 3 month "anniversary" in a relationship: the honeymoon is over, a commitment to bettering things lies ahead, and the many emotions running through the heart can overwhelm us.

Cut yourself some slack and know that YOU were selected for this job by God, and YOU are going to be given sufficient graces to do His work.

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