Getting Me Through My Thursday

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
And let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season
we shall reap, if we do not lose heart.
So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all men…”
--Galatians 6:2, 9-10 (via MM)

Waiting

"All of us belong to a crossed species, even our Lady. The foremost handmaid of the Lord wanted some details, some explanation of God's doings. "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord." But also: "How shall this be done? I know not man." And the angel's reply was hardly something to answer the human question satisfactorily. "The Holy Spirit shall come upon thee." But who is the Holy Spirit? "And the Holy to be born of you shall be called the Son of God." These are scarcely explanations that would have elicited a reply of "Oh, I see." No, she did not see."

--Mother Mary Francis, in Come Lord Jesus: Meditations on the Art of Waiting

The Annunciation (1898), by Henry Ossawa Tanner

Contingencies

Did you notice, friends, that I posted a quote yesterday that Julian had posted on Monday? Clearly, it is a powerful quote and a good motto. Also, clearly, I have been distracted of late.

In fact, on Tuesday afternoon, I came home late from work. I was so hungry that rather than taking a moment to begin making a real dinner, which I had been looking forward to all evening, I grabbed a leftover piece of cake from the fridge, and sat on the couch devouring it. Meanwhile, this was running through my head:

What should I do first? I know, I'll cut the onions, and put them on to simmer. Then I'll go check my email, and see if the neighbors have responded, so that I can run over and get the muffin tin. If they haven't responded, then I can make dinner, but if they have I can go over there, and have a little chat, and pick up the tin, and come back and finish my dinner. But I shouldn't leave the stove on, because we had the fire the on Friday. (Goodness, I need to clean the stove top too!) So I should really just check my email first, except that I know that if I do there will be 15 other things I find I need to do online. And, speaking of which, I really need to buy my plane ticket and pay my credit card bill, so I better do that first before I forget. Then I can sort my laundry, re-arrange the DVDs, hang the bulletin board, make coffee for breakfast tomorrow--oh wait--I don't have coffee. Maybe I should go to the store. Then I can pick up L's birthday present...if they have it at Barnes and Noble, which I doubt. And I need to mail those packages. And thank yous. And write those other thank you notes... Well, I'll just put some pasta on to boil and forget about the onions. But I had pasta every night last week...Man, I have to go to the bathroom. I wonder if the neighbors got my message...then I can bake...

I finally had to stop and laugh at myself. Here I sat, eating cake, and there was a litany of things going through my head, possible scenarios, to do lists that I never get done, all these things weighing on my mind, and they were all, ultimately meaningless. I thought about my best friend, who I haven't gotten to talk to for nearly a month, because of the demands of work, her family, her daughter, and our crazy schedules. She must have a million more important things to do--if only because the things she needs to do serve others. All my demands were my own making, and had little to do with anyone else. But they were SO URGENT in my mind that I sat there unable to act, worrying about what I was going to do...when I finally finished my piece of cake.

Don't worry. I am fully aware of my ridiculousness. But, the fact is, as single women it is very easy to get wrapped up in yourself. And, if you are naturally gregarious, it is easy to wrapped up in the demands of others, too. But what you really need is balance. Your working hours, no matter how onerous the demands they place on you, must be for work. Your evenings need to balance your other interests with true and refreshing leisure. Plus, because you have the freedom to do as you like, you also have to combat selfishness, and try to live for others: your friends, you family, your community.

It's exhausting. And I don't have that balance. I don't suppose I ever will.

A professor of mine once told me that she found balance being single by consciously putting all her attention into the task at hand. If she was walking to class, then she was walking to class. She would drown out the constant stream of thoughts that said "What are you going to do when you get there, and what about Mr. X, what if he skipped class again. I hope Miss Y has her presentation ready. I really don't want to fail her..." and concentrate on walking, one foot in front of the other. Being fully present in that moment did more to focus her attention as she stepped into the classroom than the thousands of thoughts that wanted to push their way into her mind--which ultimately serve as a distraction.

Put this into practice. I tried it, when she first told me, and it really did help. I found myself prepared for whatever came up: if you are fully present at every step along the way, you will be more prepared. If you put your complete attention in, say, making dinner, then you will be able to devote the time after dinner to all the other tasks before you. But if you try to sort your laundry, and visit with the neighbors, and cook your onions, you're going end up with charred onions.

How to Be Alone

Miss Manners on Rejecting a Suitor

I have been telling all my girlfriends that we women need to learn the art of saying no. (And it is an art!) Miss Manners agrees:

Dear Miss Manners:

There is a young man I met through mutual friends at college who has been asking me out. I considered him an acquaintance -- an acquaintance I had become increasingly unfond of.

He likes to be argumentative (I am sure he thinks of it more as intellectual debate), and I have actually found him rather offensive (although I am sure he does not know). I avoid arguing or disagreeing with him, and he now thinks that we have everything in common and lots to discuss.

He has asked me out to lunch/dinner, and it has not been easy to say no. He asks things like, are you free anytime this week? How do I tell someone, who may see me on campus not being busy, that I am available never?

On one occasion I made a move to avoid him (I didn't think it was that obvious), and he asked me about it later (I made up some mostly true excuse).

Do I need to tell him I don't like him, not even as a friend, leave me alone? (He is friends of some good friends of mine, and I might have to see him sometimes if I want to see them.)

Miss Manners, how does a lady navigate this situation?

Read Miss Manner's answer here. (Also check out her brilliant answer to a 12-year-old "unpopular" girl.)

Image: 'The Rejected Suitor' by Francis William Edmonds

What Do You Want?

What better way to spend a morning snowed in than to blog!

This morning I spoke with a very dear friend and his three-year-old daughter. Part of the conversation with her included the following:

M: "You can call me Cinderella."

Julian: "Okay, do you have everything you need? Are you in a pretty dress?"

M: "Yes. It's pretty."

Julian. "Do you have your Prince Charming?"

M: "No, not yet."

Julian: "Yeah, me neither. Hang in there, M! He's coming!"

This snippet of our conversation got me thinking about Edith's post on singleness from a fellow blogger. The post includes a reflection on how before Jesus responds to people or works a miracle, he asks them what it is that they want. In the post, Mary Rose indicates that she wrote a list of the qualities that she desired in a man, and that her husband fulfilled all of them.

It's been suggested to me by friends and a few others that I should bring such a list of the qualities that I desire in a man before the Lord -- after all, it doesn't hurt to be specific in the Lord with the desires on our heart. While I know this has worked for some people in that their significant other has fulfilled all or nearly all of the things they asked for, I don't feel called to make this list before the Lord for two related reasons:

1) I feel that if I make such demands upon the Lord, I am putting limits on His creative power and could fail to recognize someone who has qualities that would in fact complement me. After all, doesn't God know my heart better than I know it?

2) I am still not convinced that there is only one person that God has ordained from all time for me to make a life with. I do heartily believe in Providence, but I believe this guidance of our lives includes the very real importance of our cooperation with God's will and our own willing and choosing of the particulars in our life. We all have an eternal destiny that God knows from all time, but I do not believe He has our paths in the particular all worked out. We get where we need to be, but we get to participate in the forging of the path. If I limit the qualities of the man that will get me to that end, will I miss other opportunities to get to that end? Will I refuse to listen to my heart to fall in love with someone else who might also help me to get to that end? Isn't love a choice?

I'm not sure if this makes any sense at all, other than to say that I've been uneasy in my own life to specify what it is that I desire in a man. Maybe I pray to the Lord to choose for me because I don't trust myself. Maybe I pray that he opens my eyes to a good man and moves my heart to Him because I am afraid of asking for it. Agatha always reminds me that the single life includes being willingly open to the will of the Lord. I see this related to the desire for a man, too. Who knows. In the meantime, I'll continue to put on pretty dresses like Cinderella and go out meeting new people. You never know who might come forward before midnight!

On Preparing for Marriage

It's apropos that I write this post today. Today is the day Peter decided he wanted to become Catholic (he's half Mexican), and I am convinced that Our Lady of Guadalupe - whose feast it is today - (hence the picture) has had a hand in bringing us together. So for today, I'd like to meditate on commentator Aaron's holding me to promise to give more how-to-prepare-for-your-upcoming-nuptials thoughts.

Some people recommend the Theology of the Body study guides. But I have to admit, I've gotten so SICK of hearing about is all the Theology of the Body stuff with marriage prep. I start to hear 'blah, blah, blah...human dignity...blah, blah, blah...male and female He created them...blah, blah, blah...complementarity.' And you get my drift. I thought to myself 'I get it already!!! Why am I getting more lectures about this stuff?' Another thing I got so sick of hearing about in marriage prep was 1 Cor 13 - 'love is patient, love is kind...' Yep. Kinda started sounding kitschy.

But then I realized it. This is all fine and dandy stuff. And when you read about it, that's exactly what it sounds like. What we must do is LIVE it. Love does have to patient, especially when your future spouse leaves dirty dishes around. It has to be kind when you want to scream at him for leaving that dish. It cannot be boastful, it cannot be angry, it cannot keep a record of wrong doings to lord over your spouse to hurt them. And trust me, that's especially easy to do. It cannot be self seeking, even when sometimes you just want it to be all about yourself, especially when you are tired, sick, or frustrated with something at work or school. I've learned and will continue to learn the meaning of "love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,"

Some little things I do (and I am sure Peter will read this), is whenever Peter uses all the toilet paper and of course, never refills it, I take it upon myself to do it, as my little sacrifice (is it a sacrifice anymore now that I've told you?) Now, it does not even bother me anymore. I also try to take care of the dish washer - but Peter has started helping me with that too. Even though we still have two months to the day (hey, who's counting?), my house where we'll live after the wedding is more and more feeling like ours. I think we need to understand what it means that love is a choice. I choose to love Peter despite his flaws, and he chooses to love me despite mine. But I choose to love him as particular, unique, individual. Not just any man can by my spouse. We've chosen each other in all our particularity. That makes a difference, because how you and your spouse do things, communicate things, decide things will be totally different.

In terms of books....I've not gotten too many recommendations at the present moment, but I promise to be thinking about it. To be honest, I've taken to reading Jane Austen novels, which always include marriages and making matches. That's been not only funny, but makes me more and more look forward to the the marriage. Austen has such a way of portraying human character and the importance of virtue in marriage. My father did send me one that I've not yet read called Marriage: A Path to Sanctity.

One last thing. A great grace has been taking Natural Family Planning classes together. We are learning about how mostly mine, but both of our bodies work with respect to our reproduction, and it is even helping us with other things, like nutrition and exercise - both of which play a huge role in reproduction. I guess what I am trying to say, is that NFP is helping us to see how to be stewards to our own bodies, and to prepare them for whatever God may have in store. Hope this helps our readers and any other reading suggestions, advice, etc. is welcomed!!! God bless, and Happy Feast of the Virgin of Guadalupe today!

Doing Pre-Cana

Hi Sisters! Sorry for the long absence from me - I spent the weekend (Friday evening-Saturday-Sunday) on a very intense, but very fruitful pre-Cana retreat with Peter called Engaged Encounter. The weekend was at first quite rough. We arrived Friday night and were thrown right into the rigorous retreat. The retreat consists of a presentation by one of two married couples, then the retreants are given questions to write out separate from their future spouse, and then they come back together and discuss their answers. And these are not easy questions. "What do you like and dislike about your future spouse?" "What are your doubts about your marriage?" Yeah, that was the first night...we got to go to bed on that. Peter and I seriously contemplating leaving.

But the next day it got better...it was very intense. The questions got more and more in depth, as if you took it seriously, you really got a lot of it. Peter and I were able to openly discuss our fears and anxieties about marriage, we were able to pin point the strengths and weaknesses of the other and had no choice but to face each other and come up with concrete solutions on how to work them out. Many things we knew we had not discussed in depth as we should have - finances, debt management, etc. But we did during the weekend. We recognized the importance of time management to maximize our time together and our ability to truly minister to one another's needs. We also decided upon the importance of being surrounded by like-minded couples to strengthen our own relationship. We recognized in ourselves the areas of maturation needed, and saw that the other person is stronger in the areas where one personally needed some growth.

I will write more, but for now, I have to lesson plan for tomorrow -- but I'll give more thoughts and reflections on the wisdom of the Church's requirement on pre-Cana preparation!

Edith's Take on The Bucket List

I feel I must respond to the Bucket List...although mine is quickly approaching "Bucket List for Married Life." I'm not sure that I ever had a set of goals to do before I got married...I definitely agree with Agatha that our time as being single is time to work on us, to work through all the things that might inhibit a total gift of self to another. And I reached a point in my single life (the period I affectionately called 'My Quarter Life Crisis') about two years ago. I had already met Peter, and knew at that time that I wanted to marry a man who was just like him. You see, he too had some things to work through, and would not date me right away, which drove me crazy, because I knew that I wanted someone just like him.

But be that as it may, I decided to take time off from dating simply to begin to see men as images of Christ, and I mean to really see the qualities that make men Christ-like. After all, Christ is a man...and I just figured it was time to see Christ in my fellow men. I think Agatha hit the nail on the head in her post on men and women being friends. Her wise words should echo in the minds of every single woman (and man I guess too, just change the masculine pronouns to feminine ones!): "Take him as he is, love him as he is, and don't be afraid of who you are, and live chastely. Then the friendship will grow into whatever God wants it to be." Easier said than done, sure. But the key to this is to live chastely. What a gift!! To live chastely is to see with eyes of God - and the reward is to see God Himself: "Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God." (Mt. 5: 8).

So, I guess my bucket list would be very similar to my sisters. I definitely want to become fluent in one of the many languages I've begun to study. My goal is to be fluent in French and Arabic. I have so ALWAYS wanted to learn to play the piano, and I too want to become more active in the Church. I feel called to be a lector, and for no particular reason, I've not yet made a move on that. I want to become more courageous, more energetic, more hopeful, and more loving. Most immediately my bucket list includes: 1. Get married 2. Run and finish the 1/2 marathon I am training for 3. Finish my PhD. So far, all of those include Peter too! So, let's see where God takes me and Peter from there!

The Bucket List for the Single Life

In a recent conversation with a married friend and mother of two it was suggested to me to make a "single life Bucket List" of things that I'd like to do while I am single. She wasn't advising me to do this to suggest that once one gets married one's life ends (or begins), but rather to say that there is a real value to the single life, albeit temporary or permanent, and it should be used well. The single life affords real, focused formation, and it should be used in both serious and light-hearted avenues that help us to grow in virtue (and perhaps a spirit of adventure). I've begun to make my own, and I invite you to tell me some of the things that would be on your list!

• Finish studying Italian so that I am fluent
• Go skiing (pathetic that I haven't been - I know!)
• Invest in a good camera and take a photography class or two
• Read, read, read!
• Learn to knit more than scarves. I can't even purl!

I'm sure that Edith and Peter could make a "newlywed bucket list" and then a longer "marriage bucket list." I think it's important to keep ourselves disciplined in formation. Leisure can be productive, right? :)

Happy list-making!

Advice for Marriage

My brother brought this article to my attention. I post it here in it's entirety because it's true and hysterical. And something all couples considering marriage should heed. Enjoy.

Article posted in the St. Lambert Parish Bulletin of the Chicago Archdiocese on October 4, 2009. The author is Reverend Know-It-All.

Warning: THIS EPISODE OF THE REV. KNOW IT ALL IS EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW. PLEASE READ THE WHOLE ARTICLE. THE REV. KNOW IT ALL IS NOT OPPOSED TO ALL WEDDING CELEBRATIONS. HE IS NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR WEDDING WHICH WAS A TRIUMPH OF PERSONAL SANCTITY AND GOOD TASTE. HE IS PROBABLY JUST HAVING A BAD DAY.

Dear Rev. Know it all,

I visited your church once and am thinking about having my wedding there. How long is your main aisle?

Mary O’Burne



Dear Mary,

I am often asked that question, and never quite understand it. Are brides curious about the length of the aisle because they think a longer aisle may give them a few more minutes to back out of the whole thing? Or, as I suspect, does a long aisle prolong the glorious promenade of which a young girl dreams as she thumbs through bridal magazine as she contemplates her special day, when all eyes focus on her as she approaches her enchanted prince and all the world thinks she’s gorgeous and knows that she has bagged her man just as surely as a Wisconsin bricklayer bags a deer and ties it onto the roof of his pick up truck? I have certainly seen a few grooms who look like a frightened deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck.

Why is it that weddings cause people to spend so much time, energy and money? And more money. The average American wedding costs almost $29,000, according to “The Wedding Report”, a market research publication. $29,000!” Oh, by the by, the usual donation to the church is about $200.00. That $200 goes to the church, not to the priest. The usual gift to the priest is a hearty handclasp. The usual cost of the photographer is $2,000.00. All this tells me that the photographs are ten times more important than the grace of the sacrament, in most peoples’ estimation. The usual fee for the DJ is $1,500.00. I am consoled by this. It means that painful, occasionally obscene music loud enough to cause brain damage is only seven-and-one-half times more important than the grace of the sacrament.

You must be thinking why is this guy so down on weddings? I am down on some weddings because I am very “up” on the sacrament of matrimony and really in favor of marriage. That’s why the modern method of marrying and the wedding industry make me crazy. They militate against marriage. Here is the heart of my complaint. IT IS STUPID TO SPEND MORE TIME AND MONEY PREPARING FOR THE WEDDING THAN YOU DO PREPARING FOR THE MARRIAGE!!! I have known people who are still paying the credit card bills generated by the wedding years after the marriage is over.

The Modern Method of Marriage, a Reprise. The following is taken from my own experiences and things people have told me (outside of confession, you’ll be glad to know.) Here goes.

A young man and a young woman meet and have a few dates. They go for a weekend at a bed and breakfast where they bed one another, and then have breakfast. If he isn’t too much of a jerk and she isn’t too picky, they are then an item. She goes to the doctor gets a prescription and goes on to a more permanent form of birth control. At some time during this stage, the uncomfortable meeting with the parents happens. Everyone is polite and “supportive.” Secretly the father of the young woman who knows exactly what’s going on, contemplates buying a gun and the mother of the young man begins gossiping with whomever will listen about how her little boy could do better. After a while, if things hold up, they begin to have the conversation about taking their relationship to the “next level” by which they mean shacking up, as we used to call it. Now, I think it’s called moving in together.

Mom and Dad buy housewarming gifts in an attempt to, once again, be supportive. They don’t want their little dears to hate them and besides, it’s what everyone is doing these days, so it can’t be wrong. They have vague thoughts about getting married at that point and mom explains to grandma and to friends at church that they are just doing it to save money for the wedding. At this stage an engagement ring may appear. At some point, when they think about getting the house and the kids, because that’s what you do, they decide to have the wedding. They rent the hall and then go see the priest. He tells them there are four other weddings that day and they respond, “but we’ve rented the hall already.” Someone suggests a garden wedding if the church is occupied. The priest says we can’t do garden weddings. (More on this later.) The young couple begins to complain about how narrow-minded the Church is with all these rules and regulations. They eventually pick a date. Then the bottom drops out. It seems the groom is not Catholic. He was baptized in the First Reformed Church of the Druids, though he never practiced. This means there must be a dispensation for the marriage, another irritating Catholic invention, and the wedding date cannot be confirmed until the dispensation is received. The bride goes back to her doctor, this time for a prescription for valium. Her mother joins her on this visit. Finally the dispensation is granted, The groom’s druid will do one of the readings at the wedding, the loans are taken out, the banns are published. Then there is the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. The best man comes to the rehearsal drunk out of his mind, the groom only slightly tipsy. The bride is furious at everyone for some reason known to her alone. Probably because the groom is far more interested in drinking and watching the football game on his hand held computer thing than he is in gazing lovingly into her eyes in anticipation of the great day. In fact they haven’t been, well... friendly in weeks. It is, after all, football season.

The special day comes, the best man is still drunk, the groom is hung over, no one knew about that interesting tattoo that the maid of honor had way low on her back, now revealed by the plunging back of her dress that is held up only by wishful thinking. Grandma, upon reading the logo of the maid of honor’s tattoo, has fainted. Somewhere in all this the vows are exchanged, and quite a few of the wedding party receive their first Holy Communion that day, however one of the ushers puts the host in his suit pocket not having a clue what it is. (This actually has happened to me twice.) The pictures have been taken. The noise level in the church reaches that of an English soccer match after the riot has broken out. The children are jumping off the altar and the priest is scowling at everyone. Now on to the pictures in the forest preserve, a “must” at every wedding. There the wedding party is attacked by mosquitoes, one of the children falls into the lagoon and the bride is having a hard time smiling for the photos. The best man passes out. On to the reception.

The bride loses it because the shade of fuchsia in the floral center pieces clashes with the shade of fuchsia in the wedding party’s outfit. The groom adjourns to the bar where the game is on the television. The wedding dinner is served as music is played at a mind numbing volume. Grandma is better now. She has turned off her hearing aid. The priest is seated with the pious relatives in plaid suit coats and leaves shortly after the grace before meals. The best man makes the toast which drones on about how he loves the groom and one begins to wonder. The college roommate/maid of honor does the same for the bride, going on for fifteen minutes about how she knew the bride would find eternal marital bliss the moment she met her in the third grade and they have been like sisters ever since. Then at some point, there is a video presentation of embarrassing photos not unlike the ones that are now shown at wakes.

The bar opens up again. The music reaches levels that cause blood to drip from some peoples’ nose and ears. The joyous event ends with the bride and groom being the last to leave the hall. They are slow to go up to the room they have rented in the hotel because nothing new or beautiful awaits them there. The groom promptly falls asleep, being heavily sedated already, and, as he snores away, with his shoes still on, our blushing bride, having shed her dress of virginal white, thinks back on this day, her special day, the most important day in her life, the day she has dreamt of since she was a little girl.

They will stay an extra day at the hotel, but cannot afford the time or money to go on a honeymoon because on Monday they will both be back at work in order to pay off the colossal bill that their special day has incurred. For some reason, the bride is depressed. Perhaps she is realizing that the high point of her life is now past and the rest of it will be spent with the lump that is now snoring beside her with whom she has never really had a serious conversation, except about the proper shade of fuchsia for the floral centerpieces. So it is that we celebrate the marriage of Christ and His Church in these enlightened and tolerant times.

Remember, none of these things happened at your wedding, thank God and don’t think from reading this that I am down on marriage or even weddings. I love a wedding celebration when there is something to celebrate. Also, it is never too late to begin again by taking Christ and His gospel seriously.

PLEASE SPEND MORE TIME AND MONEY PREPARING FOR THE MARRIAGE THAN YOU DO PREPARING FOR THE WEDDING.

Yours,

Rev. Know-it-all

P.S. Garden weddings. They look good in all the bridal magazines but they are just opportunities to feed biting insects and suffer from sunburn. It is however amusing to watch the bridesmaids sinking in the mud as they try, after a few margaritas to maneuver the newly laid sod in spiked heals. The bride is generally exhausted from not having slept for three weeks as she worries about the weather reports which are promising a 50 percent chance of typhoons and earthquakes that day. And destination weddings. Don’t get me started on Destination Weddings! You want to be married with just your closest friends on a beach in Maui. That means that Grandma can’t go because she hasn’t flown since the Hindenburg Disaster, and is thinking of cutting you out of the will, and all the friends and relatives who aren’t with you on the beach in Maui realize they aren’t very close to you after all. And I haven’t a clue how long the aisle is here at St. Dymphna’s.

But Not A Real Green Dress; That's Cruel

Last night I broke the shopping ban and bought a green dress. And a pair of yellow leather gloves. (The gloves were, technically, a gift, since I had a gift card.) I have to tell you all this because I should admit my faults to all of you, especially when I broadcasted that I was going on a shopping ban for Life, and because it is an excellent segue into a question Julian brought up last month.

Bills. Money. Taxes. These things really suck. And we might as well work on making them suck less by mastering them now. I don't have any good answers to this (I haven't saved a dime the entire 5 years I've been in the workforce), but I would like to offer a few suggestions that seem to make sense to me.

1) I never ever think of my paycheck as it's full amount. Let's say I make $1000 every two weeks. Every two week period I also have a set amount of bills--for example $500 rent, and $100 school loan payment and $50 in credit card bills--for a total of $650. That means, for the first half of the month, I don't get $1000 with my paycheck--I only get $350. The second half of the month is the same thing: $100 for my metro fares for the month, $150 for other credit card payments, $200 to savings, totalling $450, which means I only have $550 in left in my paycheck. Since all my regular bills are accounted for in this figure, that $350 and $550 is mine to do with as I find necessary: groceries, clothing, entertainment. When a dress is $40, and you only have $350 to spend on everything you need, suddenly the dress doesn't look like such a good deal. (Unless of course it is green and therefore perfect, in which case I buy it...)

2) Always tithe. It's awfully awfully hard to manage the full 10% when we're paying off college loans, and so forth. A priest in confession once told me that I shouldn't worry about the 10%, but that perhaps I could volunteer some time to a cause as well as tithing what's possible. This is a great idea, but I do think giving to the church is incredibly important. Rather than give a full 10% of my income, I try to give 15% of my spending amount. (Using the examples above, that's approximately $50 in the first half of the month and $80 in the second.) If I can give more in a given month, I always try to.

3) The most important thing about tithing is not giving money to God and his church, but the attitude it forms in you. Your job, your salary, your savings, are all there by the grace of God, and they are all a gift. So if you major attitude towards money is "the Lord will provide" (and attitude fostered by giving), then you'll manage, no matter how hard things may be. This also means that sometimes you can indulge, or do something that seems extravagant, for the sake of something more important than money in the bank. For example, it doesn't matter that I have plenty of things I could spend $300 on--I ought to, and want to visit my grandmother, and so I'm going to buy a plane ticket to go see her next time I get paid.

These are my three tips, then:
1) you have less that what your paycheck says. Know how much less, and plan accordingly.
2) always tithe.
3) the Lord will provide.

These aren't exhaustive, but they are a start. And when you're trying to balance so many other things, a start is about all I can do when it comes to my checkbook.

Wisdom From Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manners:

I'm a recent college graduate in my mid-20s. I make a modest but comfortable salary and have been supporting myself since I finished school.

As a fairly "new" adult, I have repeatedly found myself in situations where I feel I am in awkward limbo between young person and equal, uncertain how to behave.

For example, when dining out with people in my parents' generation (friends' parents, my superiors at work, etc.), I am never sure whether I should offer to pay or cover the tip. I don't want to act like a spoiled child, but I also don't want to offend anyone by presuming to be their equal when I've only just started out in my career and adult life. I certainly don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

Could you please offer some advice on how a young adult such as myself should act in the company of older acquaintances and colleagues? I am at a loss.

Gentle Reader:

On the contrary. You have already accomplished the most difficult part of this transition: recognizing that you are an adult.

Many people never do, Miss Manners regrets to observe. There seem to be a lot of overaged spoiled children around, who feel forever exempt from reciprocating the generosity of their elders.

With your superiors at work, the key question is whether they are taking you out on an expense account to discuss work, in which case you owe only thanks. If not, you pay your own share.

Check-grabbing contests with your friends' parents and other social contacts are not graceful. What would be graceful would be to issue an occasional invitation to those who have entertained you. That it will not be in the same style is unimportant -- they will be immensely flattered at the sign that you enjoy their company, not just the meals they provide. Do it within your own price range -- perhaps for a drink, or tea, or brunch at your place.

If that is impossible, alternative forms of reciprocation could be occasionally bringing a small present, such as a book or DVD you think they might enjoy, or insisting on helping them with a problem they happen to mention (with a computer or new cellphone, or gardening or taxes -- whatever you can do that they admit is driving them crazy).

(From this week's column)

I love Miss Manner's answer here; it seems to strike exactly the right note. I have often found myself in a similar situation. It's hard enough to deal with the check when you're out to dinner with peers, let alone when you're out with friends parents, or colleagues, etc. I always make an effort to read the signs--do they grab the check and take care of it without a second glance? (Even bosses have done this, on numerous occasions, and I always wished I could reciprocate!) So then I am gracious and grateful.

But I especially love her final point. Even if you can't actually reciprocate, send a note of thanks, or a little gift. It never hurts to send something along saying "This reminded me of you." Graciousness ought to be at the top of a woman's virtues.

A Response to "Shacking Up"

A thoughtful post on the phenomenon of cohabitation, Edith. As someone with two cousins who have done this and one who is currently doing this, I have many opinions about the matter.

I think one thing to note is that no one couple does this for exactly the same reason as another. Sure, there is general sociological trend to live together outside of marriage, but just like every other trend, people participate in it for their own reasons. My three cousins illustrate this: 1) Cousin #1 and his girlfriend moved into together a few months before they got engaged. They had every intention of getting married (and they have a wonderful marriage), but it was "more economical" in their opinion to move in together; 2) Cousin #2 and his girlfriend moved in together without any intention of getting married because they supported the "Why do we need to get married if we're committed to each other" philosophy; 3) Cousin #3 and his girlfriend are living with another couple right now, which is some sort of glorified mixture between college and playing "house," but it seems they moved in together to test whether or not they would want to get married in the future - the "test drive" philosophy.

I think in a culture of immediate gratification and one in which there is a longing for intimacy in the midst of this sterile, virtual atmosphere (and a world where jobs take us further away from interaction with people), it's going to be hard to reason our way back to the goods of marriage for individuals, couples, and society as a whole. With the divorce rate where it is, even among Catholics, we need to take a serious look at our motivations for marriage. Is it any wonder that a generation who has spent it's twenties hopping from job to job or city to city is also unable to commit to a person? We have to LIVE this commitment in our personal and professional lives to demonstrate that the blessings of commitment are worth the demands it places on us. If marriage is truly a vocation, it means that the life of the individuals before they take their vows have led them to it, but it also requires the individual to stick it out with God and their spouse when the going gets tough. God never calls us to anything He doesn't want for us. Let's follow the direction of St. Francis of Assisi, whose feast day is today, to "preach the Gospel and if necessary, use words."

The "We Do Love Each Other...So We Shack Up, and to Testify to Our Love -- We Have A Dog Together!" Phenomenon

So, as you already know, I have been reading Elizabeth Fox-Genovese's book on marriage. I like this book, but I have one critique so far. Genovese spends much of the book ripping into modern society's skewed understanding of marriage -- like the possibility of 'homosexual marriages,' and cohabitation as viable alternatives to this last-standout-of-slavery-institution-that-we-call-marriage. And she's right. And I agree with her. The arguments we frequently hear for these 'marriage alternatives' are so insidious, I just want to scream. BUT -- we can spend our time talking about how insidious they are, or we can do something about it. Which is the question I propose in this post.

Have you ever looked around you and noticed the "My-boyfriend-and-I-shack-up-and-have-dogs-together phenomenon? I think it's a serious problem. It's this totally wacky version of the desire to be united to someone else and to nurture that love together with a being outside of yourselves which, given the natural consequence of married love, aka, children, tends to happen in marriage. But more and more, young people who do not commit to marriage are just living together and not having children, but rather dogs, whom they treat as children. I have extended family members doing this, calling their dogs "the grand puppies" of their parents and sending photo updates and stories about their dogs in Christmas cards. What!!?? How, why *confusing head shake*??

This phenomenon in our culture is that young people think this is a sort of 'rite of passage' on the way to marriage, when in reality, it typically stifles any possibility of marriage. Now, don't get me wrong, there are some who do this and it might work out. But it also might not. And it usually does not. So what are we to do to those we see around us living in this situation? Do we just stand there, let it happen, and pray they figure it out? How do we become proactive facilitators in changing minds and hearts to recognize the necessity of having a culture that recognizes marriage as...well...the seed bed of culture itself!!!

The Truth (not Truthiness) Will Set You Free

I'll say it again: I love Stephen Colbert. One of the words that his television persona has coined is "truthiness," as in, "The truthiness will set you free." Although this idea's absurdity is only compounded by Colbert's delivery of the term, I've been thinking about how hard it is to speak the truth with charity.


This week I had to hand back papers to my students. It was their first go around writing a philosophical paper, and some of the girls just could not for the life of them construct a sentence, let alone present an analytical argument that involved thoughts, not feelings. I was honest with them about their strengths and weaknesses, but I would not compromise on their grades despite the waterworks that were turned on (more like the pipes that just burst!). Though the girls can re-write their papers with the help of my suggestions, this was the first time, or so it seemed, that many had experienced a teacher showing them that could not do something on the first try, and that they actually needed to work to learn something. It is hard to be up there with 18-year-old girls, who I usually have in the palm of my hand during my lectures, looking up at me with disbelief (and dislike!). I know in the long run that standing my ground is going to serve them better. It's hard to tell the truth when you know that you will not be met with appreciation (at least not immediately).


I've also had to be honest in the past year with a few friends which has put me in sticky situations: one friend knows the truth that she is called to though she is living a life adverse to it; another whose relationship is really very unhealthy; a third who speaks down to me and berates me when I try to help her. In each of these situations, though different, I try to act as a mirror for them when they ask me for advice or want me to comment on their lives; I try not to speak with judgment, nor to pass it, but rather to hold up a mirror for them to see themselves in. So far, that has been a difficult task, and for the most part, my telling of the truth has not been met with gratitude. In fact, I have lost two of these friendships in the process. It is hard for me to live out the Gospel imperative to speak the truth in charity. Today if one speaks this truth, even with love, he or she is considered judgmental. I wish, somehow, we could separate these two things, as they do not have to go together. I wish it weren't so hard to tell the truth. Perhaps my friends don't want to hear it, or maybe they have cut me out because they did hear it.


In any event, pray for me that I, too, know this Truth and am set free from my own need for approval. Pray that I can perfect pure love for others.

Life in the Fast(ing) Lane

So, I'm in a real spiritual drought. Seriously, it's too much information for one post, but I'm having trouble turning to the Lord in prayer these days, asking for things that I need (or at least what I think my needs are). I have a long history of doing this, and it's getting old. However, in order to think of Christ on a daily basis, I want to be doing something, anything, little things, throughout the day even if I'm having trouble talking to Him.



One thing I have been encouraged to do is to fast from things for the Lord and to make Him small offerings during the day to bring my attention to Him and to His sacrifice for me. As some of you know, I am highly allergic to a lot of food, and so mortification at the lunch and dinner table is pretty much out (and I'm seriously no saint who can literally fast from all food!). Do you have any ideas about things I can abstain from during the day? I'm so uncreative, it's not funny!



Prayers!

Miss Manners on Being Single

Dear Miss Manners:

I am 40 years old, and by a series of unfortunate events and three broken engagements in the past two decades, still a single woman. This is not necessarily a status that I celebrate.

I am accepting of it for now, but I would like people to understand that I do not come to this place in my life by choice. The common misconceptions are that I am either much too picky or that I somehow enjoy being a free, single woman. Neither is true. Only my close friends understand how painful it is for me to be alone at this stage of my life.

At weddings, I just dread having to dodge yet another "throwing of the bouquet" tradition, where it seems everyone at the reception thinks it's fun to shove any single female, including toddlers, out on the dance floor to battle for that "prize."

At what point do they realize that I don't want to bring attention to the fact that I'm single? The tragedy and embarrassment of it for me has long outlived the original ceremonial spirit of this youthful custom.

Gentle Reader:

That you find this custom silly and dislike being pushed into it, Miss Manners can understand. But that is the only thing you have stated that she does understand.

Why should you be embarrassed to be single? But since you are embarrassed, why do you object to people thinking that you enjoy your life? And why would you not want it known that you are single when attending a social event where there might be eligible gentlemen?

However, Miss Manners' job is to answer the question. If you are pushed forward, take the hand of one of those toddlers -- whose presence incidentally shows that no one but you takes this seriously -- and help her catch the bouquet.

(From The Washington Post)