Back to Back Feasts: St. Bridget of Sweden

From my Magnificat today:

Again the same religious appeared on his rung as before and said: "O Judge, I ask you:"...

"Why did you not cause all your words to be heard in a single moment? Then it would not have been necessary for them to be preached through the intervals of time."...

"As to why I did not speak all my words in one hour, I answer you: Just as, materially, it goes against the body for it to take in one hour as much food as might content it for many years, so it is against the divine arrangment that my words, which are the food of the soul, would all have been spoken in one hour. But just as bodily food is taken in little by little, to be chewed and, when chewed, to be carried to the interior, so my words were not to be spoken in one hour, but rather through the intervals of time, in accord with the intelligence of those who were making progress, in order that the hungry might have something by which to be satisfied and that when satisfied, they might be excited to higher things."... -- St. Bridget

I find this comforting this morning, as several matters of the heart weigh on me, and questions about vocation, purposefulness, fulfillment, work, and the nature of God all swirl around my head. I was just discussing with my best friend last night how sitting in the mystery of our lives and in the mystery of God is so very much a part of the human experience, and one that is necessary, frustrating, enlightening, and delightful all at once. Having questions and knowing that all of the answers cannot be given to us in advance or at once and living in the paradox of knowing the Lord but not ever knowing Him fully is just so very much our reality. And there's not a damn thing to do about it. And according to St. Bridget's dialogue with the Lord, that's just as it should be, because it would not be fitting (or part of our good) for it to be any other way. I guess the unfolding of our lives and the often dim way of navigating through them is the way that the Lord can continue to stir up in us a greater desire for Him. Today I pray in thanskgiving for the thirst, and for the reminder from St. Bridget of Sweden for the appropriateness and gentleness of our caring heavenly Father.

The Pope and the Shroud

I don't know if anyone else has been interested that the Shroud of Turin has been on tour, but I'm wishing I could get to Italy asap! Anyway, here's the text of a beautiful sermon delivered by Pope Benedict after his own veneration. As always, it's amazing.

Photo found here.

Quote of the Day: St. Faustina

Love is a mystery that transforms everything it touches into things beautiful and pleasing to God. The love of God makes a soul free. She is like a queen; she knows no slavish compulsion; she sets about everything with great freedom of soul, because the love which dwells in her incites her to action. Everything that surrounds her makes her know that only God himself is worthy of her love. A soul in love with God and immersed in Him approaches her duties with the same dispositions as she does Holy Communion and carries out the simplest tasks with great care, under the loving gaze of God. She is not troubled if, after some time, something turns out to be less successful. She remains calm, because at the time of the action she had done what was in her power. When it happens that the living presence of God, which she enjoys almost constantly, leaves her, she then tries to continue living in lively faith. Her soul understands that there are periods of rest and periods of battle. Through her will, she is always with God. Her soul, like a knight, is well trained in battle; from afar it sees where the foe is hiding and is ready for battle. She knows she is not alone--God is her strength.
--St. Faustina (Icon written by Marek Czarnecki)

PS: Happy Birthday, dear Edith! So glad to spend this day with you!

St. Francis de Sales and Anxiety

For anyone suffering from worry or anxiety, or attempting to control something that might be out of their control, I offer the following from a dear saint:

After sin, anxiety is the worst thing that can afflict a soul. It is the result of a strong desire to escape a present evil or to reach a desired goal. But anxiety increases the pain and prevents the attainment. Birds that are caught in nets flap and flutter wildly in an effort to escape, but they only become more thoroughly trapped. When you want to get out of a bad situation and go to a good one, be sure you are calm and deliberate. I am not recommending carelessness, but an unhurried, untroubled approach to solving your problems. Without this, you may make a mess of things and have even more difficulty.

At the first sign of anxiety, pray to God. Talk with your spiritual director or some other friend. Sharing your grief unburdens your soul. It is the best remedy for anxiety.

-- St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life

Retreat Recap

This week I chaperoned my students on a Kairos retreat for three days. I had never been on one of these retreats (although I had been on something similar called Encounter in college). After years of organizing and leading retreats in college, it was nice to have a different role as someone who sits back and is there for counsel should it be asked for. And boy, was it asked for.

I was incredibly humbled that girls came forward to ask to talk to me about their personal and spiritual struggles over the course of the three days. What a great responsibility spiritual direction and counseling is...posing questions to them to make them look at themselves really directly and then look at God's hand in their lives. I couldn't help but thank God for priests, spiritual directors, and therapists who bring their education and wisdom to these very personal and intimate settings of self-revelation. They are really sacred encounters.

Many of my students brought up the following: alcoholic parents, parents who should be arrested for neglect, self-loathing, abusive relationships with boys...you name it. I saw real wounds, real piercings of the heart, mind, and flesh. However, it was incredible to watch them be healed by the love of Christ in community, in the sacraments, and in silence. Grace abounded, and the witness of so much healing strengthened my own faith. It was what I needed.

Kairos means "the Lord's time." My own belief in Providence was affirmed and renewed watching the girls be healed, in God's time, over these past few days. When we abandon ourselves to God's time, we get a taste of eternity and the peace that it brings.

Ignatian Retreat Blog

Several Jesuits (David Paternostro, S.J., John Brown, S.J., Deacon Kevin Dyer, S.J., and Fr. Chris Collins, S.J.) have started a lenten Ignatian Retreat Blog with daily meditations from the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius Loyola:

The ultimate goal of this blog is to help anyone who reads it to grow in their love for God our Lord, and to better discern His will in their daily lives. We would encourage you to let that goal of growing in the love of God be the one measure you use to determine how much or how little you make use of the materials provided here, and how much or how little time you spend in prayer. Let all things be Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam- for the greater glory of God!

They have guidelines on "Total praying", and Examining your conscience, as well as the daily meditations. They're only on day nine, so there's time to catch up.

HT: AmericanPapist

Into the Silent Land

I think Lent is a time given to us to enter "into the silent land." This is a time when we take a good, hard look at ourselves and at Christ in deep discernment. "Who are You?" we ask the Lord. "And who am I?

I think my Lenten "theme" this year will be silence. Everything I fast from, everything I build into my day, everything I read, and the way that I pray will be molded around this idea that we need silence. One book that I recommend to everyone, which bears the title of this post, was written by a graduate professor of mine and a extraordinary homilist. He leads the Catholic Christian deeper into the practice of contemplation in an accessible way.

I used to be diligent about my practice of contemplative prayer: twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes in the afternoon. And then life consumed me, and it has been years since I have really been regularly silent with the Lord. But again, the Church provides us with the seasons to start over and to continually prepare ourselves for our encounter with Christ.

I said to my soul, be will, and wait without hope

For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love

For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith

But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.

Wait without thought, for you are not yet ready for thought:

So the darkness shall be light, and the stillness the dancing.

T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets

A Child in Winter, by Caryll Houselander

Only LOVE is incarnate. Goodness is natural because the Divine Child, who submitted himself to the law of his Father's love, has made it so. Christ subjected himself to the law of the seed in the earth, to the law of rest and growth. he was "one of the children of the year," growing through rest, secret in his mother's womb, receiving the warmth of the sun through her, living the life of dependence, helplessness, littleness, darkness, and silence which, by a mystery of the Eternal Law, is the life of natural growth.

Hi life in the womb was measured, like those of all the other children of the year, by a certain destined number of cycles of darkness and light, by the rising and setting of the sun so many times, by the rise and ebb of so many tides, by a certain counted number of beats of his mother's heart.

Who can think of the mystery of the snowflake, its loveliness, both secret and manifest, its gentleness, the moving lightness of its touch, the humility of its coming, and not think of the birth of the Infant Christ?

--From A Child in Winter: Advent, Christmas, and Epiphany with Caryll Houselander

Do you ladies know of the great 20th century English mystic Caryll Houselander? You should. Her work is stunning, powerful, and I'd gladly say, some of the most important spiritual writing of the 20th century (yet few people know her). My mother always had a long line of her books, but I only recently cracked open A Child in Winter, a beautifully edited collection of meditations for Advent, Christmas, and the feasts within the octave of Christmas. Accessible yet profound, modern and timeless, I highly recommend her writings. (The meditation above was taken from her Christmas Morning meditation. Below is her meditation for todays feast of the Holy Innocents, one of my favorite of the year.)

Baptized in blood, those little children were among the first comers to heaven. Fittingly they, with their tinyKing, are the founders of the Kingdom of Children. We celebrate their feast with joy; it is the most lyrical in the year. They reach down their small hands of to comfort every father or mother bereaver of a child. They are the first who have proved that the Passion of Christ can be lived in a tiny span by little ones...The tears that dried on their faces two thousand years ago in Jerusalem had the redeeming power of Christ's tears today. Each one of those infants is the first Christ Child of the Incarnation, the first of the first generation to call the Mother of God blessed.

Advent: Waiting is the Hardest Part

Last night I was reading this post on Advent from one of my favorite blogs. The author writes, "Last Sunday the priest at a friend's church talked about Advent as a season of waiting, and that our goal should be to wait well."

I spent the first day of Advent going to Mass by myself. It was certainly a beautiful liturgy, and I took quite a bit from the readings and homily. After all, something just happens in your soul when you start beckoning the Lord in O Come O Come, Emmanuel, right? It was a pleasant morning to be sure.

I met a new friend in the afternoon for a cup of coffee. It was intended as a set up by a mutual friend, but it turns out that he is discerning the priesthood and still unclear as where his rather recent conversion is going to lead him. I did enjoy his company and getting to hear his story, but I didn't feel called to pursue it. I did experience grace though in wanting to get to know him for himself and am open to seeing him again. In a recent Confession (don't worry, I won't give away what I was confessing) the priest counseled me to remember that my mission in each moment is to win souls for Christ - nothing more, and nothing less. That is sticking with me and has been affecting the way that I choose to look at situations and people. Here's hoping it lasts. Anyway, I felt it in the way I interacted with this young man today.

Anyway, I spent the afternoon alone in my apartment trying to organize lesson plans, do laundry, and keep my mind on positive thoughts. It is really easy for me to start to get down and feel lonely when the weather turns and it gets darker earlier. I mean seriously, what woman doesn't want someone to cook with on Sunday afternoon, someone to watch a football game with, or someone to help you gear up for the coming week? I found myself tearing up a bit, wanting to ask the Lord to send me a compatible man soon, but being too stubborn to ask for it. Isn't it easy to wait impatiently? It is incredibly tempting for the me to want to take control of the situation, to send out feelers for romantic possibilities in every direction, trying to manipulate my life and my vocation. Waiting truly is the hardest part.

I've decided to offer up something this Advent for Christ. I was going to offer something up for my husband, but in reality, I do not know if and when he will arrive. What I do know though, more perfectly than anything else, is that Christ has arrived. He is real in my life; He is guaranteed.

Meditate with me on this fact, sisters and readers -- He came.

For the believer, the Lord's grace can turn every period of waiting into a time of fulfilling expectation. -- Adrienne von Speyr, Lumina/New Lumina.

Woman Warrior of the Month: St. Monica Part 3

She was trained 'in your fear' by the discipline of your Christ, by the government of your only Son in a believing household through a good member of your Church.

In his Confessions, St. Augustine gives some of the most beautiful portrayals of his mother, St. Monica -- this month's woman warrior. Augustine describes his mother as woman who was able to win people over because of her gentleness and patience, and her reputation as a peacemaker. We know that she endured an unfaithful, pagan husband -- who could be gentle or violent. She prayed for his conversion, and she gently shared the Word with him. On his deathbed, he was baptized. She endured the wayward life of her son, Augustine -- about whom St. Ambrose famously told her "A child of this many tears will never be lost."

One of the most beautiful passages of Monica is the account of her death in Ostia - the port city just outside of Rome (which the picture above depicts). While Monica was on her deathbed, she and her son had a conversation fit for these saintly souls. Their conversation about the after-life led them to "the conclusion that the pleasure of the bodily senses, however delightful in the radiant light of the physical world, is seen by comparison with the life of eternity to be not even worth considering." They contemplated together that eternal wisdom that is the Word itself. And when Augustine writes that he 'closed her eyes,' we know that that the Lord took her soul directly to His bosom.

Thank you, Lord for this wonderful woman. May you teach us how to emulate her virtues of perseverance in prayer, patience, gentleness, and the ability to endure the crosses we are given in this life. St. Monica, pray for us!

For the Feast of Edith Stein

For the feast of Edith Stein,

Hello, dear readers. Yes, as you know, I have been remarkably absent from our blog, absent from my sisters, absent from the country….literally. But, in one week, I returned to the United States from North Africa, got engaged at the airport (yes, my now fiancé simply could not wait one more minute to propose to me after I had been gone for two months), I reserved the Church and reception site for our wedding, talked to my professors about teaching classes and my dissertation topic, and also found my wedding gown – but did not buy because it’s too expensive, but I love it. All in less than a week’s work.

I decided that today should be the day I “re-debut” – on the feast of my patroness, St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, or Edith Stein. I know that she got me through this time, and for some reason, I know that St. Therese the Little Flower was with me too. I have a lot of ‘Theresa’ saints on my side. This blog will be less about Teresa and more about how she helped me get through a very difficult experience abroad. As I get myself back on track from being in Africa, I find there are so many things I need to refocus on. As I told my sisters when I returned, my time in North Africa was the most difficult time in my life. I studied Arabic intensively, did quite well in the program, I lived with a native family, I lived in a Muslim country as a Christian…and that was the most trying experience I have ever had.

Now, I have nothing against Muslims whatsoever. I think there are customs and traditions in the Muslim faith that are quite beautiful. In fact, I find the veil – the hijab – one of those beautiful traditions. While I could not agree with the reasons many women gave me for wearing the hijab (such as “I am not an object anymore when I wear it” – my reply “You were never an object, who told you that you were??”) , I could respect the women who told me that they wore the veil to show their love for Allah. But the women were such a conundrum. They wanted to be secular and worldly, but in secret. Many of them felt that if they wore the hijab (which is not compulsory in the country I was in), they would have a better chance of getting a husband because he would think she was pure and pious. But when they met me, they assumed that I must drink, have sex, live with my boyfriend – all things they wanted to do. And, they absolutely adored radical feminist authors….conundrum!!

But after being proselytized – yes everyone does indeed want you to convert – I am more confused about Islam. In the country where I lived, it seemed that the Islam practiced was more reliant upon superstition than upon faith formed in love. The God that they spoke of is a whimsical God who wills all, for good or for bad, and man must just accept it. To try to understand that will is considered irreverent. The religion practiced there was rent with a kind of worldliness that I still do not understand how to process. Now, I don’t know if this is Islam, but it is the Islam that I was exposed to while I was there….

Which brings me to the experience of being a Christian in this Muslim country. I was able to go to Mass, thank God. The Lord is so very good because He even gave me a Catholic Church within walking distance of my school. Masses were always in French, which was a shame – I would have loved to have listened to it in Arabic. But the Christians were a bit stand-offish. There is an unspoken tension there against Christians. I encountered VERY FEW Arab Christians, most were African ex-pats or European tourists (oddly, many Polish tourists in North Africa). Even the clergy members seemed skeptical of me, as I look quite Arab. It was so strange for me to be such an outsider even among my own people.

There were days, my sisters, that I would just cry and cry because I felt God was not there. There were days when my host mother showed me the virtues of my Heavenly Mother, and I was overflowing with joy. There were days when prayer was burden, and I simply had a block to prayer. There were days I doubted God, doubted the Church, doubted His Love and Grace. There were days when I did not even understand how God could let His Son die upon the Cross. There were days when nothing made sense to me whatsoever. Then there were days I would go into the Church and cry tears of joy because I knew He was there and that He loved me so much, and everything fell back into place.

But God showed me something. He revealed to me the RADICALITY of Christ’s love. He revealed to me a society that does not know Christ in His fullness – a society where Christ waits on the periphery to come in with His Light and Love. God showed me what Christ came to do. I cannot even put into words for you. It only lasted a few days, just like a little snippet of something.

I feel upon my return that if God wanted me to learn something on this time away, that it was what my name sake called “The Science of the Cross.” Edith explains, “When we speak of a science of the cross . . . we are not dealing with merely a theory . . . . Neither are we dealing with a structure built of ideas laid out in reasoned steps. We are dealing with a well-recognized truth – a theology of the cross – but living, real, and effective truth. It is buried in the soul like a seed that takes root there and grows, making a distinct impression on the soul, determining what it does and omits. . . . From this living from and strength in one’s innermost depths, a perspective of life arises, the image one has of God and of the world.” (Science of the Cross, Introduction, pp. 9-10).

I know that God is teaching me this way of life, a way of thinking, breathing – everything – through the Cross. Even though I don’t know the depths of Edith’s words, I do know that they will indeed “take root and grow” in my soul. In so many ways, I am at a threshold – a point where I can only mature in my faith. I know that God will take me there, and I trust in His Love. Oh my sisters, it feels so glorious to be home!

The Sacrament of the Present Moment

I happen to think that one of my favorite spiritual reading books, The Sacrament of the Present Moment (Self-abandonment to Divine Providence) is tailor-made for those of us who are single, even if Jean-Pierre de Caussade was writing to Sisters of the Visitation on their prayer life! If you have never read it, I recommend picking it up. I think I've read it 5 times and skim passages before I go to bed on a regular basis. Since the single life is pretty much a vocation of the present moment, I'll pass along a taste of it. It's been of particular comfort for me this summer as I ponder Gods timing in my life: 

Nothing is more reasonable, perfect or divine than the will of God.  No difference in time, place or circumstance could add to its infinite worth, and if you have been granted the secret of how to discover it in every moment, you have found what is most precious and desirable.  God is telling you, dear sisters, that if you abandon all restraint, carry your wishes to their furthest limits, open your heart boundlessly, there is not a single moment when you will not be shown everything you can possibly wish for.

The present moment holds infinite riches beyond your wildest dreams but you will only enjoy them to the extent of your faith and love.  The more a soul loves, the more it longs, the more it hopes, the more it finds.  The will of God is manifest in each moment, an immense ocean which the heart only fathoms in so far as it overflows with faith, trust and love.  The whole of the rest of creation cannot fill your heart, which is larger than all that is not God; terrifying mountains are mere molehills to it.  It is in his purpose, hidden in the cloud of all that happens to you in the present moment, that you must rely.  You will find it always surpasses your own wishes  Woo no man, worship no shadows or fantasies; they have nothing to offer or accept from you.  Only God's purpose can satisy your longing and leave you nothing to wish for.  Adore, walk close to it, see through and abandon all fantasy.

When the will of God is revealed to souls and has made them feel that they, for their part, have given themselves to him, they are aware of a powerful ally on every hand, for then they taste the happiness of the presence of God which they can only enjoy when they have learned, through surrendering themselves, where they stand each moment in relation to his ever-loving will.

Pray for me to fall in love with God's will for me.  I pray for you! 

Sermon on Mary Magdalene

In our continued celebration of the Feast of St. Mary Magdalane (July 22nd), I want to share with you the full Sermon of Pope St. Gregory the Great, read ont eh feast of St. Mary Magdalene, in the Divine Office:

When Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and did not find the Lord’s body, she thought it had been taken away and so informed the disciples. After they came and saw the tomb, they too believed what Mary had told them. The text then says: The disciples went back home, and it adds: but Mary wept and remained standing outside the tomb.

We should reflect on Mary’s attitude and the great love she felt for Christ; for though the disciples had left the tomb, she remained. She was still seeking the one she had not found, and while she sought she wept; burning with the fire of love, she longed for him who she thought had been taken away. And so it happened that the woman who stayed behind to seek Christ was the only one to see him. For perseverance is essential to any good deed, as the voice of truth tells us: Whoever perseveres to the end will be saved.

At first she sought but did not find, but when she persevered it happened that she found what she was looking for. When our desires are not satisfied, they grow stronger, and becoming stronger they take hold of their object. Holy desires likewise grow with anticipation, and if they do not grow they are not really desires. Anyone who succeeds in attaining the truth has burned with such a great love. As David says: My soul has thirsted for the living God; when shall I come and appear before the face of God? And so also in the Song of Songs the Church says: I was wounded by love; and again: My soul is melted with love.

Woman, why are you weeping? Whom do you seek? She is asked why she is sorrowing so that her desire might be strengthened; for when she mentions whom she is seeking, her love is kindled all the more ardently.

Jesus says to her: Mary. Jesus is not recognised when he calls her “woman”; so he calls her by name, as though he were saying: Recognise me as I recognise you; for I do not know you as I know others; I know you as yourself. And so Mary, once addressed by name, recognises who is speaking. She immediately calls him rabboni, that is to say, teacher, because the one whom she sought outwardly was the one who inwardly taught her to keep on searching.

(Image Source)

Travels

Well, I've been skipping around the country the last two weeks, and I'm finally able to sit and post.  I had a wonderful week rebuilding homes with teenagers through an amazing program run through my diocese.  It was seriously such an inspiring week, being among the less fortunate with teenagers who really have their heads and hearts fixed on Christ.  I was originally angered by the poverty that I encountered, and while I'm still uneasy about it, the time we spent talking to our resident and his granddaughter took away my anger and helped me to connect with two individuals who had the same questions about life that I had.  I have a real sense of a human family right now, and as cheesy as that sounds, in the week that followed, I found myself becoming aware of the need to really talk with people, to look them in the eye, and to hear their stories.  I pray this attitude continues for a lifetime.  It's so much easier to see Christ during the day if we slow down and talk to Him in the people we are often too busy to meet. 

The conference I went to at Notre Dame was okay in itself.  I found myself a little frustrated at other educators who were disgruntled at younger colleagues (like myself) who had different concerns than they did about the Church, insofar as someone my age would be considered a "post-Vatican II" Catholic educator.  But differences and motivations aside, we all sat listening to two pretty amazing speakers: Sr. Helen Prejean, who's life story was the backstory of the movie Dead Man Walking, and Imaculee Ilibagiza, who we've mentioned numerous times here on the blog.  And the greatest blessing of all?  I got to meet Imaculee!!! I truly believe that I was standing in the presence of a saint.  Her story of the power of the rosary, the power of forgiveness, the people of Rwanda, and the very real human fear of facing death moved me beyond words.  When she was speaking, the song "Gentle Woman" kept playing over and over in my head.  I can't wait to read more about Our Lady of Kibeho.  While Imaculee is still speaking about her experience during the genocide, she feels truly called to spread the message about Our Lady who appeared in Rwanda before the genocide.  All in all, I have been blessed with ample opportunity for God to profoundly remind me that this whole faith thing, this whole Catholic thing, is real.   

Itinerary

My apologies for falling off the blogging bandwagon.  This past week I was doing this, and the upcoming week I will be doing this.  And guess who is speaking at the conference?  Immaculee!  I'm in the process of finishing her second book, Led by Faith, that Edith mentioned awhile back.  When I return from Notre Dame I'll be posting up the wazoo about all that I've experienced in the last few weeks.  God has been SO good to me.  Blessings on my sisters and our readers! Thanks for your patience!  

Corpus Christi and the Single Life

Today is the beautiful feast of Corpus Christi - the body and blood of Jesus Christ.  Our blog is a forum to think about what it means to be "single, lay, Catholic, and modern," so I wanted to muse about what the body and blood of Christ has to do with the single life.  

If there is one thing that I feel is certain about the single life, that is that there is no real palpable sense of "home."    Singles tend to work or study in various locations...big cities, suburbs, some domestically and some around the globe.  Many of us work to support ourselves.  We have the luxury of specialized study, the ability to think about what we want to do opposed to what we have to do.  We have no real roots down anywhere because we don't have obligations to others besides ourselves.  I've already moved twice since graduating from college, and in reality, I have no real ties to any one location.  All of this "rootlessness" is for better and for worse, though.  To be without obligations is a blessing in that we can serve the people that we're called to serve in our work and social circles, but it is really difficult in that we have no one at home asking of us and for us each day or night in an intimate, familial way.  When we return from work each day, do we really feel like we can put our feet up and feel secure, safe, and wanted?  I don't know about you, but I long for a sense of home on a daily basis.  Today, on this feast, I realized that when I approach the altar, I am going home.  There my king welcomes me with joy and love every time I approach Him there.   When we received the Eucharist, we find our home.  

The other thought that I had about this feast day in relation to the single life is that lay, modern, Catholic women ARE the corpus in the world.  We have the freedom, the time, the energy, and the opportunity to make Him present to others who need Him.  And that includes making Christ present to married people, to clergy, to religious, and to our fellow lay men who are all seeking gentle compassion, intelligent discussion, warm hospitality, and honest observation from women.  Single ladies, be the Body of Christ today, and know what we all have a home at the table.   

Being Ready

Tonight after Mass I was reading a little book called Lumina/New Lumina, which has sayings of the twentieth century mystic Adrienne von Speyr.  In one small passage she writes, "Love has no beginning, since before it became concrete, it was already present in the attitude of readiness." 

I LOVE this. 

I was praying about my desire for a good man in my life, and this passage made me pause and think about how beautiful the attitude of readiness is, and how we need it every moment of every day.  

I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "It'll happen (love) when you least expect it."  "He must not be ready to meet you yet."  "You must not be just ready for him yet."  But I'm not sure the use of readiness is used as it should be in these consolations.  Phrases like the ones above tend make me feel that I'm not yet at a demarcated point that I need to be at in order to have the love of a husband.  But I'm not sure if readiness can be measured.  We are constantly cultivating readiness.  It's a space, a place, an attitude, a state of life, in which we make room for another.  I like this idea of meditating on being ready as a dynamic movement, a continual process, more than the arrival at some time or state of perfection.  

Von Speyr's words can (and should) be read about the space and attitude that we must continually create and prepare for Christ.  It's the attitude that the world needed to have before Love (God) became "concrete," or incarnate.  But even when the world was "ready," nothing about the people who encountered Christ was perfect.  How they misunderstood him, misread the signs, mistook his message.  The circumstances were not always ideal, the setting not close to perfect.  Neither are we ever perfectly ready for Christ when He asks us to do things, to carry people, to bear situations.  But our whole lives entail the act of cultivating this preparedness for Him in our hearts.  

I pray for all single men and women to discern on a daily basis how to make room for the "other," especially for their spouse and for Christ. 

Feast of Blessed Julian of Norwich

Today is the feast of my "blogging patroness," Blessed Julian of Norwich. Agatha asked me to write a little bit about why I chose her to guide my writing.

To begin, there are many saints and blesseds whom I love dearly and hope to emulate. My Confirmation saint, St. Maria Goretti, has seen me through so many experiences in which my purity (in many different dimensions) has needed protection. As I have mentioned before, St. Catherine of Siena has moved me to trust in God's providence. But I met Blessed Julian of Norwich at a crucial time in my life when I desperately needed to know why I had felt abandoned by God.  She has continued to play an instrumental role in my early adulthood, and so I thought that she might be of some help to me as I figure out what it means to love as a young woman in the modern world, as she herself had to discern the meaning of many life experiences.  

During my senior year of college I experienced a very profound spiritual drought. I would not call it a "dark night" like that of St. John of the Cross or the many saints who have endured something like it. But my experience mimicked on a small scale the feeling of abandonment by God, and there were many nights where I went to the chapel on our campus and literally wrestled with both God and the devil at the same time.

It was during this period that I was taking an elective on Christian Mysticism with an absolutely brilliant professor (actually an Anglican priest who converted to Catholicism and so also had a family!). During this class I met Blessed Julian, one of the most renowned writers of medieval England.  Over the course of several decades, Julian was given many "shewings," or revelations.  In her own bodily suffering, she learned the meaning of Christ's suffering, as she had visions and experiences of Him explaining it to her.  This passage of hers has been a constant source of comfort to me when I ask God the inevitable question: Why? 

And from the time that [the vision] was shown, I desired often to know what our Lord's meaning was. And fifteen years and more afterward I was answered in my spiritual understanding, thus: 'Would you know your Lord's meaning in this thing? Know it well, love was his meaning. Who showed it to you? Love. What did he show you? Love. Why did he show it? For love. Keep yourself therein and you shall know and understand more in the same. But you shall never know nor understand any other thing, forever.'
Thus I was taught that love was our Lord's meaning. And I saw quite clearly in this and in all, that before God made us, he loved us, which love was never slaked nor ever shall be. And in this love he has done all his work, and in this love he has made all things profitable to us. And in this love our life is everlasting. In our creation we had a beginning. But the love wherein he made us was in him with no beginning. And all this shall be seen in God without end ...

Love.  That is the answer to all of my questions.  So, thank you, Julian.  I really hope to name a daughter after you one day.  And, in any event, who doesn't like to hear, "All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well"? 

Feast of St. Catherine of Siena

I'd like to think the first time I encountered St. Catherine of Siena was in fact in Siena, Italy.  I was about 11 or 12, standing in a piazza with my family, and some eerie feeling came over me.  I can't really put words to the feeling, but I knew that something special had happened there, or something special was happening there.  On our tour of the city, the guide mentioned St. Catherine's name, but nothing really came of it beyond a passing acknowledgment.  

I met St. Catherine again during my college years.  In a Western Civilization course our class was studying the period of the Avignon papacy, and we spent time learning about St. Catherine's courageous efforts in healing the Great Schism.  I remember being struck by her moxie; here was a young, illiterate, Italian peasant girl, telling the pope(s) to get his act together.  Naturally, as an idealistic college co-ed, I found in her a role model who could teach me how to bring justice where I found injustice, and how to bring truth where I found falsity.  

But Catherine does not fit into a simple mold of an idealistic young, Catholic woman.  I encountered her even more intimately in graduate school during a class on Dominican spirituality.  In my study of St. Catherine's Dialogue, I learned not just about her but from her.  St. Catherine has taught me that I am a daughter of God.  Knowing this is something that has been life-changing.   In her intimate dialogue with God, he repeatedly calls her "figlia," or daughter.  He repeatedly refers to us as his children, and she addresses him as "babbo," or "daddy" in Italian.  It's so beautiful because God is communicating serious theological truths to her in gentle, familial language.  I think it is this gentle relationship with a God who is so awesome (worthy of awe) is what gave Catherine the strength to serve the poor, to serve the pope, and to care so deeply about Christ's Church, His Body.  And even though Catherine suffered her own spiritual drought (she has a whole dialogue with God on tears!), she never failed in her obedience or in her trust of Divine Providence (two other dialogues).  

Just a taste of the dialogue on Divine Providence (this is God speaking to her): 

I have also shown you how pleasing and dear to me such a soul is, and how I provide for her.  I have told you all this to commend this virtue to you along with the most holy faith that brings one to this marvelous state.  I wanted to make you grow in faith and in hope, to make you come knocking at the door of my mercy.  Believe with lively faith that I will fulfill your longing and that of all of my servants, along with great suffering even to the point of death.  But take courage and rejoice in me, because I am your defender and your consoler.

I have a very odd relationship with Catherine.  Though I love her dearly, I stay a little distant from her.  She is more of a role model for me, someone who has struggled with doubt, suffering, and anxiety.  I keep her at an arm's length because I admire her so much, but feel unworthy of speaking to her and asking for her intercession.  I hope that in the near future, I have the courage to ask her to be my friend.  I believe she still has so much to teach me as a young, lay, single woman with whom I share a deep love of Christ's Body, though this love is one simultaneously seasoned with struggle and hope.    

Endow: Educating on the Nature and Dignity of Women

This weekend I attended a FANTASTIC conference run by the group ENDOW. If you do not know of them already, I'm so privileged to introduce you to them! This group began in the Archdiocese of Denver by a group of women who felt compelled to put into action John Paul II's call for women to understand and know their dignity in the life of the Church and in the life of the world. Women get together in parishes and have intellectual, emotional, and faith-filled studies and conversation about important documents written on and for women. There is even an introduction to St. Thomas Aquinas! This program has spread throughout the United States and has even reached Australia. It's spreading the New Feminism around the globe!

The conference that I attended was called The New Springtime for Women, and it was exactly that for me...a springtime. I have been in need of inspiration in my life....inspiration to be me, inspiration to continue on living my life with hope and courage, inspiration to contribute to the life of the Church as a single woman even if it is unclear how I am called to do that. God knew precisely what I needed. I did not want to get out of bed at 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning, but it was the best thing that I ever did. I'm so grateful for the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Most of my posts in the near future will be musings and accounts of what was discussed or brought up at this conference. I took diligent notes and even typed them up on my home computer so that I could share the fruitful ideas with you. In the meantime, be sure to check out the website!