For Edith and Julian

Happy Valentine's day, dear friends! I love you!

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It's a Date!

Oh, what a wonderful conversation we have been having, readers, about dating, men, women, and the single life. I suppose Valentine's day is a great day to resurrect the conversation! First of all, a tremendous THANK YOU to Dawn Eden for this shout out. Can I just tell you it made my whole week? Maybe even my year?! Interestingly, I went to a phenomenal conference at Notre Dame this past Friday where Dawn was speaking...but her talk was Saturday and I was only there Friday...so bummed! Luckily, I asked a friend of mine who was there to have her sign my book to Edith Magdalene! And she did! It was awesome! I will definitely be using the insights from the conference in these posts throughout the week!

I thought first I would recap some of our readers major points: you brought up so many great ones, that it would be really hard to reply all in one post!

First, Commentator andersonrc1 brought up a great point about whether or not women should be straightforward with men on a date or risk being considered too intimidating. And Commentator Lianna asks if the problem is with what seems to be a lack of maturity on the part of the men - and I had a great insight to this during a talk given by Wendy Shalit, whom you might know as the author of Girls Gone Mild. I can't wait to share!

Next, we had a couple of guy perspectives. Commentator Aaron gives us a great and really funny guy perspective of the Crazy Catholic Female types! He writes:

There is the "I want him to do all the pursuing" woman. (Man hears, "I will faint in his arms and make him carry me everywhere." Man asks, "Do I have to do everything?") There is the "Babies! I'm desperate to make babies!" woman. (Man asks, "Am I just a gene factory? And isn't next week a little early for a wedding?") Then there's the "I am a professional adult woman of serious tastes and interests and I deserve to be taken seriously." (Man hears, "I am a borderline feminist and probably too good for you and maybe not that interested in marriage at all.") And all of those women may be the same person. So his reluctance to formalize plans may be an attempt to let the Professional Woman be a partner in planning. Or he may be doing elaborate things (which suggest more commitment than he's actually got right now) in an attempt to meet the Fainting Woman's expectations. Or he may be trying to signal to the Babies Woman that he too would like to have babies, but can we put off naming them until we're at least engaged? And he may be changing his tack mid-course, trying to adjust as the various facets of this woman wax and wane. So cut him just a little slack.

The best part about this, Aaron, is when you say that all of these 'types' might be happening in the same woman all at once! I was laughing so hard! And I hope you have lots of daughters too, so that they can tell you how wonderful you are!

Éamonn reminds us about the necessity of honesty and openness in our relationships, and I think too, that his post also calls to mind that we are indeed unique persons, and my stereotypes are just that...as partially true as they might be :-)

Finally, Christopher questions the whole 'dating' scene all together and suggests that maybe courtship should be the order of finding a suitable spouse. This one has given me the most food for thought, and I will be reflecting on this for the rest of the week. Happy SAINT Valentine's day!! Know that I love and am praying for each one of you!

So, tomorrow I will (try to!) tackle the ladies' replies...then hit the gentlemen's later in the week!

Valentine's Day

Oh, I could write a sob story for all single ladies on this day, especially Agatha and Edith, who are close to my heart. However, I'd rather leave a quotation.

We ask our Lover to come for us, and we keep our hearts open for His coming. We choose not to shut down. We let the tears come. We allow the ache to swell into a longing prayer for our God. And He comes, dear hearts. He does come. The times of intimacy -- the flowing waters of love -- those times then bring healing to places in our hearts that still need His touch

-- Captivating

I pray this day that all women and men who wait on the Lord for love to be made incarnate for them experience it today. May you know of my prayers.

Retreating

Please pray for my students as we head on retreat this week. I ask you to pray that their hearts will be opened, that I will be present to them, and that the Lord would also work in my own heart at this time. Thank you!

"Tell him slowly: Good Jesus, if I am to be an apostle, and an apostle of apostles, you have to make me very humble. May I know myself. May I know myself and you. Then I will never lose sight of my nothingness."

-- St. Josemaria Escriva, The Forge, #871

Agatha's Feast Day

Today we remember St. Agatha, one of the most courageous martyrs of the Church. Though her own tests and crosses are different from our own Agatha's, the two women are alike in that they are steadfast in the work that the Lord has given them (even if our own Agatha does not think so) and fully committed to the preservation of all that is (and was) good and pure in their lives.

Happy Feast Day, Agatha!

The Catholic Dating World

A few months back, I remember talking with Julian and Agatha about A. How we were sick of being single. (Well, actually, Agatha is much better on this score than Julian and I!) B. How we were sick of writing about being single and C. How the Catholic dating world in their city was sort of...comical, awkward and slightly dysfunctional. And now that I have started to at least be open to the prospect of dating again, I too, have to agree that in my city, that the Catholic dating scene is really a little comical.

After chatting with my Magdalene Sisters and my Catholic girlfriends at home, I'd like to describe the laughable 'archetypes' I have been finding in the Catholic dating scene. Here is one that I have experienced personally.

1. The Guy Who Asks for Your Number But Only Sends Text Messages Suggesting a Potential Date-at-Some-Unknown-Time-in-the-Maybe-Near-Future.

He seems really nice and very personable. He then finds the courage to ask for your number! Awesome! But instead of calling for a date, he relies on the fact that he'll see you around with the group of mutual friends. But when he does see you out, he might rigidly make light conversation. Then, he ignores you and talks to seemingly every other girl in the room but you. Then immediately after you leave the event, he texts you telling you that he really missed the opportunity to talk with you and thinks you two should plan on going out for coffee sometime soon. Rinse and repeat for about 3 weeks.

This happened to me with the guy I mentioned in my previous post. Why did he even ask for my number? What was going on with these text messages, but no phone call? Bottom line: He's just not that interested, so delete his number, DO NOT reply to texts, and be cordial and lady like when you see him in group settings.

2. The Hang Out and Flirt In a Group Setting Guy and Maybe Ask You for Some Pseudo Dates.

I have had no experience with this guy, but he is the major gripe of all my Catholic girlfriends. He forges a friendship with a girl and usually sees her in group setting activities. He'll then maybe ask her to accompany him for something, but the sense is that you are not really sure if this is a date or not. He never brings it up, but just leaves things open-ended, ambiguous, and feeling...unsure. He may even spend the whole time you are together talking about last night's party or talking about other people in your group of friends, but never really seems like he is seeking to get to know you better. Bottom line with him: After a couple dates like this: he probably is not interested. Don't accept another one.

3. Catholic Ken

Ah, Catholic Ken seeking the perfect Catholic Barbie - the one who, as Julian mentioned hearing one man say, is seeking the ideal woman who is both a "super model and daily communicant." Wow. Just wow. This man might have all the right credentials on paper, but at the end of the day, he's just a little superficial.

I caught a glimpse of such a guy at a recent pro-life event when a friend of mine pointed him out to me. "That's Catholic Ken, and he is on the prowl for a wife. However, he is only looking for Catholic Barbie. He really is great: A good Catholic and he's super involved in the pro-life movement. But, he only talks to girls who like a Barbie doll."

Well, I must not qualify, because he definitely did not look twice at me! (And being a short, dark haired Sicilian, it's easy to see how I don't qualify as Barbie material!)

3. The TOB Idolizer

Now, before you jump down my throat, let me first say that Theology of the Body is AWESOME! But sometimes, it's so easy to take some aspects of it and run into an idealized view of a perfect marriage and forget that we live in the world. And I recognize that both men and women are guilty of this! We get so much great news about the Divine and what it means to be made in the image of the Divine, that we can easily forget about the every-day-ness that life brings with it in relationships.

This guy idolizes the archetypal pre-lapsiarian Eve so much (remember, this is Eve pre-fall - and not the new Eve) and believes every woman should be just like her. She should be on a pedestal, perfect, pure, virginal, innocent, and basically be Venus de Milo. Chaste women seeking purity, innocence, virtue, and safeguarding their virginity should not spurned, to be sure. That's not my intention. But sometimes this guy forgets that women can sin too, and that they too can fall victim to the lies of our over-sexed culture.

I know, I know, this post makes me seem cynical. But I am not. I am 100% laughing at it all, sort of like Jane Austen as she observed her world. I recognize that these men are human too, and that there is a lot of pressure on men as well: especially regarding purity, so it's easy to see how some guys can err on the side of being too idealistic in this regard.

To prep myself to re-emerge into this oh-so-frustrating world of dating, I picked up Dawn Eden's The Thrill of the Chaste (did I mention I ran into her last year when visiting Agatha? I was so star struck, I could not speak!) I read it before a few years back, but this time I am getting much more out of it. She makes a distinction in the book between being a single woman and being a singular woman. Essentially, the single woman is on the prowl, looking for fulfillment in a man, but never finding satisfaction because she really is self-seeking. The singular woman exudes confidence, charm, and gratitude towards others and simply has fun being herself with whomever she is with. Here is a quote that really put this distinction into perspective for me.

A single woman, in seeking a husband, feels the need to act in a coy, sly, or deceptive manner-even if she normally would never think of intentionally misleading someone.... Likewise, she accepts a level of superficiality from a man she's dating that she wouldn't tolerate from her friends. She's not stupid-she just loses perspective when facing the possibility of a relationship.... A singular woman behaves with an honesty and lack of guile that will appear arresting to the love interest who expects a superficial relationship-as well it should. With her words and actions, she is speaking a deeper language, one that can be understood only by the kind of man for whom she longs - one of integrity. Such a man will understand that the singular woman's straightforwardness and absence of pretense is rooted in a deep respect for him as a fellow child of God.

Thrill of the Chaste, p. 23

Dawn Eden's words struck me with new freshness on this reading, especially in light of the past year's experiences. I know that I poked fun at the awkward archetypes of guys (and trust me, women probably have worse ones and many more!), but I am really trying to keep an open mind, remembering that, as Dawn Eden says, a deep respect for Mr. Right as a child of God is a necessary approach for any date. In fact, it's the only approach to find him.
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Let me rest

I am tired. I am tired of waking 2 hours before the sun. I am tired of juggling my morning routine with the bus schedule. I am tired of never seeing the sun. I am tired of only seeing the sun outside my office window. I am tired of having a to do list of absolutely essential things to do that is a mile and a half long and never gets done. And that's just at the office. I am tired of never cooking, but too tired to cook. I am tired of feeling guilty about not liking my job. I am tired of trying to find alternatives. I am tired of burdening my friends with my weariness. I am tired of wanting to go to bed at 8 pm. I am tired of feeling guilt every time I think of a far away friend who I haven't talked to in a month. I am tired of missing my Mom's phone calls and worrying about my sister's work. I am tired of the way my fridge smells and the way I can never keep my room tidy and the huge mound of papers i have to go through on my desk. I am tired of having to take the subway everywhere. And tired of forgetting to buy nails. I am tired of nightmares and tired of butterflies in my stomach and tired of clenching my jaw. I'm tired of having something to do every day. I am tired of taxes. I'm tired of lunch. I am tired of only seeing beautiful things on my computer screen. I am tired of being so scattered. I am tired of not finding joy. I am tired. Lord, give me rest.

Roberto Melli

Edith's Back...

Well, as you probably noticed, I've been pretty silent this past month and half, and not without good reason. I first want to thank all of you for your prayers for me this past year. As you all know, 2010 was straight up Not.My.Year. And trust me, no one was happier than me to shed the weight of a terrible 2010 (literally - I left 25 lbs. behind!) Go 2011!!

Things have been looking up! I met a professor at Notre Dame who has invited to share in the community there, attend her class, and attend political science events. I have been working on my thesis...like really working, not aimlessly reading, and I even started teaching a class at the local college where I had interviewed earlier in 2010. God has shown me His bounteous gifts by giving me a new springtime, a new time of flourishing, a new outpouring of blessings. And I wake up every morning and thank God with my whole heart that He saved me from almost marrying a man who would have made me more than unhappy.

During the feast of the Immaculate Conception novena , I was praying to God for a confirmation that I was ready to start dating again. And He delivered. The last day of that novena, I was asked for my phone number...although nothing came of that save a few random text messages, it was still nice to feel that I had a 'green light' in my prayer life that I was really ready to date again (btw, stay tuned, in my text post, I'll share some experiences and seek some dating advice!) I have, however, gone out on one date and I had a great time. Although I am not thrilled to be in the dating scene, I am just joyful to be pursuing what God is asking me to do and becoming the person He is asking me to be.

Just a little life update for now, but more substantial posts to come! Dear 2011: I love you already! I love you so much, I am even looking forward to my 28th birthday (which falls on Good Friday this year.) I mean, if I am looking forward to being older and it falls on the most solemn day of the liturgical year, then I know things in life are definitely moving in the right direction!

On Being Googled

I've been thinking a lot about my use of technology, and its implications for the type of person I'm becoming, how I use my time, and whether or not the internet in particular is helping me to strengthen or weaken my relationships (certainly "the internet" and "technology" are nouns with many uses and purposes, and those could be parceled out and examined individually).

However, one thing that I do not really like is having an "online presence" or "virtual personality." What I mean by this is that if someone were to search for me in Google, various links would come up, mostly linking me to organizations and institutions that I am or have been affiliated with as well as news sources that have quoted me.

This has really only bothered me once before, when I found out on a third date that before a guy had initially asked me out, he had "Googled" me and saw that I was associated with an organization that he did not really care for (and come to find out, significantly misunderstood its mission). Before asking me out, he said he seriously weighed whether or not to pursue something, even though he thought I was attractive and we had shared several dynamic conversations in person. When he said that, I felt reduced to some sort of online attribute that he would have eventually come to understand about me more in depth and more organically should it have come up in conversation. We only went on a few more dates, partly because our morals did not line up after all, but also partly because I felt prematurely assessed based on my "virtual" encounter with him instead of my real encounters with him in person. It was almost as if he missed experiencing me, and instead "experienced" the virtual me.

This is just now crossing my mind again because I am supposed to be going out on a blind date in the next week or so after being "virtually" introduced by a colleague. I don't mind blind dates any more than dates after having talked to someone in person. But I can't help but wonder if he will "Google" me before meeting me in person, and what effect that will have on his opinion of our date and of me.

I choose not to Google him, and to see what happens. Let's just say, "I'm Feeling Lucky."

Snow Days...

....are good for so many things:

* Enjoying my coffee while reading the news

* Taking time for spiritual reading

* Catching up on correspondence with friends

* Shutting off my phone, email, and Facebook

* Saving my makeup for another day

* Being thoughtful about planning assignments and lessons apart from interruptions

* Journaling

* Reading poetry

* Listening to this song and this song on repeat

What Women Want

The Set-Up

Help!

I have never really ventured into the world of setting up friends who I think might make a compatible couple, but I was recently struck with the idea of introducing two wonderful persons to each other (in prayer!). Has anyone successfully done this? I've been on the other end of this process, and have experienced it a few different ways: being the only one who knew it was a "set up," being totally off-guard, and having the man also know this was a "set-up." For those matchmakers out there, what do you think is the best way to go? The opportunity for the two of them to meet is about a week away, in a relaxed atmosphere (a party), but I'm wondering if either of them (or both) should be clued into my thinking.

JPII We Love You!

The news went out this morning: Pope John Paul II will be beatified on Divine Mercy Sunday, May 1, 2011, in Rome. This is SO AWESOME. And such a fitting day: he was a huge promoter of devotion to the Divine Mercy, and was the one who moved the feast to the Sunday following Easter. Additionally, it is the feast of St. Joseph the Worker, and the first Sunday in the month of Mary, to whom he dedicated his entire papacy.

In the Decree, the Vatican especially singles out his attention to the youth and lay people of the Church. I was lucky enough to see him in 2000 at World Youth Day in Rome, and it was the begining of a real awakening to my faith--and an awfully fun time! And his death marked the completion of that circle, a very difficult time in my life, but very rich spiritually, and also, ultimately, a lot of fun.

I have to be honest with you: I still tear up every time I read his final words, which, reportedly, he spoke to us--the youth.

I sought you out and now you come to me. Thank you.

Servant of God, John Paul II, pray for us!

Thou Shall Not Covet

Oh, but how I do!

I (Might Not) Have a Dream

I've heard a lot about resolutions in the past few weeks. The January issues of many magazines offer suggestions about how to stay organized, how to get healthy, how to shed those last few pounds. Talk shows also offer tips about financial responsibility, what's ahead in 2011, and how to "be the best version of yourself." This chatter about resolutions has gotten me thinking about my own life and my own dreams for it. And right now, I'm dream-less.

No, this is not pessimism. And no, it's not apathy. I have mini-resolutions already set for myself dealing with a whole slew of virtues to grow in and practical ways to do it. I'm talking about dreams for what's ahead, even in the next few years. For the first time in my life (well, since college), I've settled into a job, a city, and a social group. But unlike college, there's no necessary graduation date, nothing propelling me to look ahead, to set out in a new direction, to move beyond it.

I have a lot of friends with goals and dreams. Finish writing my dissertation. Finally pursue this or that degree. Get a promotion. Live abroad. I just feel, well, dream-less. Does that mean I'm not thirsty?

I wonder sometimes if I should be digging deeper in my soul, and searching for the next purpose. I'm wondering now if this is just laziness, or if in fact it is contentment. And if it is contentment, I'm wondering if the growth I do will just be here in this place and time, and not beyond it. It's a new feeling, and one that I'm not comfortable with, as I've always been driven in the pursuit of a goal. Now, point just seems to be.

Dear John

I have been loving the readings at Mass this week, especially the first readings from 1 John.

This favorite token from yesterday:

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear."

I have heard this so many times, I can't tell you. But yesterday, I just prayed and prayed about what fears are driving me on a daily basis. It is so clear to me that these fears, even if they are little, demonstrate that I don't trust God perfectly, so I don't love God perfectly. So much to work on...

And today:

"If anyone says, 'I love God,' but hates his brother, he is a liar; for whoever does not love a brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen."

I can think of a few people who make it very difficult for me to love them, but I also know that discipleship is not easy. I also know that if I love God, I must love them.

And lastly:

"And the victory that conquers the world is our faith." Just perfect.

Dear John,

I love you.

Julian

Merry Christmas!

The Magdalene Sisters wish you and your loved ones a most Blessed Christmas season! We pray that the Incarnate Lord blesses you in whatever state in life you find yourself.

Stay tuned for some exciting changes from our little corner of the internet in the new year!

Blessings,
Julian, Edith, and Agatha

Work, work, work!

These last few days of work before Christmas are, sometimes, utter agony. Everyone around me is wishing me a Merry Christmas, and I feel like a scrouge, because I have to spend 20 of the next 52 hours in the office getting a ton of work done. This then, is keeping me inline:

You have recieved God's call to a specific way: it is to be at all the crossroads of the world, while remaining all the while, and as you carry out your professional work, in God.
--Jose Maria Escriva, #748, The Forge

It's not Christmas yet. These next few days will be the intense, expectant, hard-working days of Advent. And when I arrive home, I'll rejoice. But first: to work.

Musings

I haven't had much to say in recent weeks. It's not because work was busy (it was), or that social commitments were abounding (they were). I just haven't wanted to make time to write, as I didn't think I had anything profound or really important or interesting to say. But this morning I just wanted to. So, here goes.

I was over at Agatha's the other day, eating a most wonderful wintry dinner, and we were talking about life (as per usual). Agatha commented that our life situations hadn't really changed since this time last year, and I agreed. We're both still working at the same jobs, both still friends with the same people, no big ruptures or marriages or anything in our families, and, as per the subject of this blog, we're both still single. It made me think about whether or not I really had anything to contribute to this conversation anymore, if my life seemed to be following the "status quo." But this morning I decided that yes, the status quo is fine, because status quo doesn't mean stagnant. Much of the liturgical calendar is filled with "ordinary time," and if that is my life right now, then so be it. The ordinary parts of the life of a single person...working, providing for oneself, dating (crazy people, I might add!), deepening friendships, and growing with the Lord over seemingly insignificant (but in reality, heroic) things is just what we should be talking about.

My 2011 already looks like a promising one. Is my husband around the corner? Oh, who the heck knows. But I am going to take a course in Denver this summer on Salvation History to beef up my knowledge, I'm taking 30 girls to World Youth Day in Madrid, I'm going to welcome my first niece or nephew into the world, and I'm going to turn 27 --- a great age, if I do say so myself. It feels more distinguished than 26...don't know why, but it does, and several friends agree :) The upcoming year is sure to be filled with the mundane...grading, making dinner for one out of the contents of the fridge, paying bills, etc. But I know I will find the Lord in it all, because I did this year.

Papa B on Me!

Well, not me, but my patroness :)