No, this is not pessimism. And no, it's not apathy. I have mini-resolutions already set for myself dealing with a whole slew of virtues to grow in and practical ways to do it. I'm talking about dreams for what's ahead, even in the next few years. For the first time in my life (well, since college), I've settled into a job, a city, and a social group. But unlike college, there's no necessary graduation date, nothing propelling me to look ahead, to set out in a new direction, to move beyond it.
I have a lot of friends with goals and dreams. Finish writing my dissertation. Finally pursue this or that degree. Get a promotion. Live abroad. I just feel, well, dream-less. Does that mean I'm not thirsty?
I wonder sometimes if I should be digging deeper in my soul, and searching for the next purpose. I'm wondering now if this is just laziness, or if in fact it is contentment. And if it is contentment, I'm wondering if the growth I do will just be here in this place and time, and not beyond it. It's a new feeling, and one that I'm not comfortable with, as I've always been driven in the pursuit of a goal. Now, point just seems to be.
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2 comments:
I know exactly what you mean. I wrote a post similar to this stating how my New Year's resolution is simply to maintain the status quo. Some years are like that.
One of my favorite quotes is from Zora Neale Hurston. She says (in Their Eyes Were Watching God), "there are years that ask questions and years that answer." Maybe this is an answering year for you.
I think that sometimes the most heroic thing that we can do is being content with what we have right in front of us. Sometimes God calls us to dream big, and other times He simply calls us to big faithfulness, exactly where we are.
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