March 9, 2010
Hello Readers. As you may have noticed - my posts have been scarce. I guess I am lacking in inspiration - currently my days are filled with sorrow after my personal disaster. I go from missing the person I thought was my best friend and partner-to-be in life to anger at realizing that it just was not meant to be. I ask 'Why did God let this happen to me, to us?' 'What have the last two years of my life meant then, anyway?' 'Why was he not the one I prayed for, the one ordained for me? It seemed in so many ways that he was! We were that couple everyone wanted to be around (or it least it seemed like we were). Heck, the people at our marriage retreat asked us to join their ministry several times! Where did we go wrong?' 'Will I ever find the right person? Will I ever get married? Is God telling me NO to married life?' 'What am I supposed to do now, with only broken pieces of a life I thought I was supposed to have?'
Every day, I miss my old place - the life I had, the friends, the environment (not to mention the sunshine!) I pretty much want to stay in bed all day long. When I finally do get out of bed to leave the house - like to go to the gym (which I have been forcing myself to do - and that is good), I start crying (yes tears) every time I see an engaged or married woman. I'm trying very hard to focus on me, to put my life in order, to do something to get my mind off of this. But I don't know how. Currently, I've retreated to reading books about the Holocaust. I'm not sure if that's fueling the depression or quelling it. Probably a little bit of both. If I was not feeling so pitiful, this would be laughable. Any suggestions? Help!