Dear Sisters and Readers,
As you all well know, one month ago, I was the blissfully and happily engaged-to-be married Edith. I had two beautiful diamond rings, and happily looked forward to gaining my third one. I was planning colors, flowers, lace, music, and food. As I was picking out crystal goblets, wedding clothes, and jewelry, I was secretly hoping that our guests might purchase that beautiful (but expensive) china we registered for so that I could use it for a St. Joseph’s feast day party after the wedding. I had a beautiful crystal bowl that would make the perfect center piece! I knew one of my friends was planning on buying me a beautiful pink mix master – which is a kitchen essential in my favorite color! I could not wait!! I was bubbling with excitement as any bride-to-be should be. I anticipated the life I would have as a happy wife with a loving husband, with whom I would help to build our beautiful and holy marriage.
About a week after that, my life changed drastically. I did not get not married, and I am not getting married. Something so catastrophic happened that I cannot even say with detail what it was. Suffice it to say that what occurred ruined any chance we had at marriage. Maybe one day, I will share some of these feelings with you. But right now all I can say is that I am in pain so unutterable, and that pain explains my silence on our blog this past month. But I know that when I am in pain, the Lord weeps with me. I know that His Spirit walks with me daily, each moment, and I will heal eventually. I fight bitterness, anger, rage, depression, regret for what was and sorrow for what should have been, with each moment of each day. But I also know this:
I have been deprived of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is and thought, 'My lasting hope in Yahweh is lost.' Bring to mind my misery and anguish; it is wormwood and gall! My heart dwells on this continually and sinks within me. This is what I shall keep in mind and so regain some hope: Surely Yahweh's mercies are not over, his deeds of faithful love not exhausted; every morning they are renewed; great is his faithfulness! 'Yahweh is all I have,' I say to myself, 'and so I shall put my hope in him.' Yahweh is good to those who trust him, to all who search for him. It is good to wait in silence for Yahweh to save.Lamentations 3: 18-26