Three 20-something women trying to figure out what it means to be lay, Catholic, and modern all at once.

January 13, 2010

The Opposite Sex and the City

I know, I know. I promised a more positive outlook on dating. And I still have it...I'm just frustrated about a few things. In the weeks since New Year's Eve, I've met a handful of really interesting men that have I found attractive in both looks and personality. "Alright," I said to myself, "a good streak to start off the new year." Two of these men asked for my phone numbers but have yet to use them. Well, if texting counts, they've used them. But other than that, they have resorted to today's means of communication with the opposite sex-- Facebook.

I don't like Facebook for this very reason, and now I'm thinking of taking myself off of it. "Friending" a woman on Facebook who you've expressed interest in (and already took the opportunity to ask for her phone number), seems to be cowardly to me. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but as the lady who offered her phone number, it does feel like a cop out. Facebook takes away the opportunity to hear another person's voice, to actually connect face to face, and to be vulnerable in front of another person. One can easily hide behind only the most attractive pictures that one posts and a profile that skims the surface of who one really is. I think the use of Facebook between the sexes is only adding to this idea that people should wait for their ideals -- for people who fit all of the criteria that they desire.

A few years ago, Time Magazine named "You" the Person of the Year. We are the "me" generation, the generation who waits until they get what they want. Maybe that is what I am doing...waiting until I get that phone call. Or maybe it's just the decent thing for a gentleman to do when he asks a lady for her phone number.


Grace in my Heart said...

You make some interesting points. Facebook wasn't around during my dating days, but A.OL instant messenger was. I guess adding pictures into the mix definitely makes it even more tricky. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do...however, I don't think a little facebooking doesn't hurt. If you see lots of pictures of the guy drunk, you probably know he isn't for you!

Gardenia said...

yep, It's the decent thing to do. really, the thing to do that's most important: picking up that phone and calling you -- voice to voice, ear to ear. and then asking you out . . . for coffee. that's a good way to start, b/c it's not too long and it's not too expensive. either party can bolt after a cup of coffee without feeling like they've wasted their time or money. don't guys know this kind of social etiquette ?

fabulous said...

FACEBOOK friends when a guy asking for your number is LOSER material.

Be strong.

If they friend you after you start to hang out, then maybe its alright.

Aaron said...

Let's be honest: men don't like sticking their necks out. Who does? But for the right woman, they'll do it. Still, a little encouragement never hurts.

I like email. I love email. It's my preferred method of communication for all sorts of things. It's fast, convenient, and yet still allows you to compose a well-organized message, in a way that text and chat do not. And unlike the phone, you're never interrupting.

So a couple of years ago I sent a little email to a gal asking her on a coffee date. She wrote back saying that sounded great - why don't I give her a call and we could set a time? I hadn't intended to use the email as a method of hiding, but when I had to actually dial those digits, the quivering hand and warble in my voice made me realize what a cover it was. In the end, the date happened, and even went well, though there were no great fireworks. The gal in question did not go on to become my fiancee - though she will be one of our bridesmaids - but I'm inclined to regard the matter a success.

Moral of the story: lots of men need a little prodding. Just a little, applied with grace, can go a long way.

Shannon said...

H love-
Don't get off facebook. Make your profile private so they can't find you.
I totally get what you're saying. Oh, facebook. Oh, men.

Julian said...

Thanks for your comments, everyone!

Aaron, I think you are right about giving guys encouragement. I just think it's hard for the woman to know when she is crossing the line from encouragement to trying too hard. Perhaps I throw my hands up too prematurely and assume he's not pursuing...but I do think I give a nice, bright green light without being over-the-top!

Grace in my Heart said...

Maybe I'm totally out of touch here, but I don't think facebook is all that bad. Wouldn't it be a good way to break the ice before an actual date? I think you can also screen a person and decide if you are really interested in them...just some thoughts...

Please don't delete your account...I'd miss you on there! :)

Paul said...

Don't quit Facebook over this--that would be to retreat, and if you really want to meet a guy, don't go into hiding. On the other hand, don't be afraid to "unfriend" people.

The problem you describe is two-fold: (good) men are often hesitant to initiate (with something so direct as a call) and (good) women often think they must remain 100% passive and wait for the guy to do everything.

If you're interested in a guy, drop some hints, open up some of the channels of communication yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. There are a lot of good reasons (as well as bad ones) why a guy might be slow to initiate or may never act, otherwise. Give him room to act, but take an active approach yourself. If a relationship is ever to mature, communication has to be two-way. Why then do so many people think it's one-way at the beginning?

There are so many reasons a guy might not call at first. Don't try to guess them. Be open and honest and let come what will.

healthily sanguine said...

Wow, I feel your pain . . . there's nothing worse than the waiting, but sometimes there's naught else to do! Also, great thoughts from all the commenters, very thought-provoking!

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