With my wedding now one month to the day away, I am suddenly struck with...anxiety! I've been all excitement, but the cost of the wedding, the enormity, the not hearing back from people we've invited, the constant meetings, large chunks of money going 'bye-bye' from my dwindling checking account have got me all a fret! I know, I know, I am trying to enjoy it all. And I have been. Tomorrow is my first gown fitting and that will be fun! Picking out the colors of my flowers was also great fun!
But lately, some other fears have gripped me. Nothing about Peter - he is the most wonderful man I have ever known. But the future. In my heart, I just know that I'll be pregnant very soon. I've always known it. You know that line from the film My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding (which you should see if you have not) when Toula says: "Ian and I got married, a minute later I was pregnant..." Well, that's gonna be me. Mark my words, sisters - I have always known that I would be one of those girls who got pregnant instantaneously after marriage. But then I wonder - am I ready for that? Will I be a responsible parent? Should I be a mother so soon? Would a baby right away be imprudent of us? Don't I need time to become a good wife first? And what about our finances? My degree? My job? What about all our student debts? Where will we end up? How can I be a better steward of finances? Will I even be a good wife? With my apartment currently in shambles as we try to move most of Peter's things in now, I feel like the worst of homemakers. I don't even know where to put things! You see where my brain is! And one thing I read in a magazine about marriage that really got me thinking: "In marriage you face the ultimate challenge of living with a sinner but having your own concupiscence exposed." And trust me, that happens even before you are married - I imagine it only becomes more challenging once you share your living space!
But reading through Agatha's last post, and I realized that my worries are sort of silly, probably normal, but silly. Here she tells us of a family who is having more difficulty than ever having children, yet they still trust God. Where is my trust? I guess I just need to chew on the words of my dear namesake, Edith Stein: "Whoever lives in the strong faith that nothing happens without the knowledge and will of God is not easily disconcerted by astonishing occurrences or upset by the hardest of blows." Say a prayer for me! Or better yet -- any suggestions on prayers or reflections for me?
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1 comment:
I read the first 2 paragraphs of your post, and then got interuppted, so I was mentally composing my response. It was going to start: WHOA sister! Calm down!
But, of course, you did calm down. And you're right: the key is trusting in God's providence. He won't give you anything you can't handle (you aren't the first person in the world to get her Ph.D. with a baby at her hip).
I have little experience in marriage (haha), but I think dealing with you own sinfullness (as well as your spouse's) will be easier once you have the sacramental graces!
The only thing I can really recommend is: take it one day at a time. It doesn't matter what happens in the next year, or even the next month (except for that big day!)--what matters is getting through this day with grace, patience and love.
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