I need to vent so badly, and I don't want to leave my classroom to talk to anyone at school. It's so hard to confide in anyone here (besides Jesus of course in the chapel), because in a school of 500 women, no one can keep anything in confidence.
I've been so down lately, despite the countless blessings that are showered upon me. It's only the third day of Lent, and I'm already turning in to face myself and am failing to look out on Jesus who I promised to see and touch in those around me.
Today I side-swiped my car (poor Agatha was in the passenger's seat). It was a ridiculous thing to do, and I cannot stop beating myself up about it. I don't know how I'm going to pay for it.
Which brings up another point: I am not able to save in the city that I live in between my modest salary as a teacher and the expenses that this city demands (rent alone). I am wondering whether or not staying here is the best option for me.
Which brings me to another point: Why is there so much instability in the twenties? Why can't I find some firm foundation? I feel as if I am continually walking up the down escalator, trying to get to a destination but without any success. I can't see the road ahead of me, and even if I can, I'm not walking it with joy.
Which brings me to my final point: I cannot remain in the present moment. I cannot walk the road of uncertainty very well. I am impatient. But even when things go my way, I try to talk myself out of deserving them or pursuing them. I am always fearful of losing something or someone, and so I try to sabotage something good immediately (this especially is manifesting itself in the fact that I've been on two dates with a really nice guy but want to stop pursuing it, because I can't even enjoy or believe that someone wants to spend time with a nutcase like me, who can't even recognize the blessings around her).
Please say a prayer for me. I am extremely anxious and sad, and my students are testing my patience and my dedication to my vocation. I am so very much looking forward to spring, and working my way through the purgation of Lent.
I pray for all of you.
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2 comments:
Oh, Julian -- I know how you feel! It is so difficult...I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you in this time. Truth be told I struggle with the same things. But I will off you my prayers, knowing that God is so good.
I will offer you this much. You are a wonderful woman who is seeking to do God's will, to perfect yourself daiy, to know yourself through Christ. Don't be shocked if someone--in this case a very nice young man--wants to be around you. When you seek Christ, you radiate Him, and people want that!
So don't be so hard on yourself!! I think even after we pass the uncertainties of the 'twenty-somethings,' life brings new uncertainties and tribulations. Nothing just happens in our lives -- everything that happens is an opportunity for grace. So don't let discouragement get you down -- reach out and grab those graces!! They are gifts from the One who loves you!
Hang in there! I don't know much about long-term financial planning and can't advise on whether you should leave your current city, but I am a CHAMP at saving money, and if you need to keep a tighter budget I'm sure your Catholic sisters can give you lots of suggestions on how to help out, from crockpot cooking to ebay shopping, to dressing better for less and turning your thermostat down. Think of it as an adventure rather than a burden. After all, anyone with money can live well. It takes real talent and skill to live well without :)
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