The State of Marriage + the Family

Point:

The Two-Minus One Pregnancy (New York Times)
Meet the Co-Parents: Friends not Lovers & their children (Telegraph)

Counter Point:

This was grace - short film from Andrew Laparra on Vimeo.

Oh That Royal Wedding

Like most women, we Magdalenes dream of weddings. And with 1/3 of the world, we too woke up and watched the glorious ceremony of Kate Middleton and Prince William. And it was beautiful, from the smiles to the music to the hats (well, Princess Beatrice's aside) and of course that unbelievably gorgeous, iconic dress (or dresses if you count the one she wore at her reception). Her veil and tiara were utterly stunning.

It really was a beautiful wedding and you could sense the glorious joy for the bride and groom that was shared all over the world. Little tidbits I loved? How Prince Harry looked back at Kate when she arrived with her father at the Abbey and gave his brother an update ("Wait until you see her!", he purportedly whispered.) Then Prince William, beaming when he saw her whispered, "You look beautiful." And indeed she did. I also loved how he had some trouble putting the ring on her finger and if you notice, he was rubbing her finger afterward to make sure she was ok. That was sweet. And who could forget Kate's "Wow" when she saw the millions outside Buckingham Palace to see her and William? And the royal kiss - I did not care about that so much as the William's bashful, rouge-faced smile and Kate's smiling nose scrunch afterward.



I also loved the icons of Christ Pantocrator and I think Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Who thought you'd see that in Westminster Abbey? I was surprised at how much I actually liked the homily, address, and reading chosen by the couple. And I realized how much I really like the language used in the Anglican liturgy (for example, the word 'betwixt' is awesome.) But I admit, as soon as I heard the "Dearly beloved we are gathered here in the sight of God and this congregation," all I could think about was the last scene (double wedding) in the Firth/Ehle version of Pride and Prejudice. Call me cheesy, but it's the truth.

To those haters who said they could care less about the wedding, I reply that Britain really needed the patriotic boost and given all the insanity of the world today, who could help it but rejoice with this lovely couple? However, there is one thing that has been bugging me about the whole thing. Call me old fashioned, but Kate and William openly lived together for the last four years. And I think that is a scandal. What's more is that Grandma Queen Elizabeth ok'ed it (and footed the bill, which probably means that British tax dollars actually paid for it) And Archbishop of York Dr. John Sentamu also backed this decision, saying:

"We are living at a time where some people, as my daughter used to say, they want to test whether the milk is good before they buy the cow,” he said. “For some people that’s where their journeys are.

Yep, he really said it. How sad. Given the fact that Diana needed to have her virginity confirmed (and call me a crazy feminist, but I think this terrible too), it seems crazy that Grandma Elizabeth allowed and was complicit in William and Kate playing house. I am certain that the all-too-proper Queen Victoria at least was rolling in her grave.

Why does this bother me so much? Well, I came across this article by Anne Morse who reminds us about that nagging little fact that couples who cohabitate are 2/3 more likely to divorce than those who do not. And given the rocky record of William's parents, no one wants to see another nasty break up. However, it is quite evident that the couple care deeply for each other, and if they follow the advice given to them in one of their ceremony addresses about sacrificial love and seeking Christ in their marriage, then I am hopeful that we will not see an ugly divorce.

I also hope we will surround the couple in even more prayer than we did hoopla and media coverage for their wedding day. For their journey as man and wife has just begun, and we certainly wish them a life time of joy and happiness. My personal prayer for William and Kate is not only that they spend their long years in a glorious and happy marriage, but that in a few years time, we'll see Royal family photos of the two of them, surrounded by at least as many cherub faced children of their own as they had in their wedding.



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Love you, L!

One of the Best Marriages on TV

Stop what you are doing now and go rent (or watch online) every season of Friday Night Lights that you can get your hands on. I have not watched such a tremendous show in a long time (okay, since Lost finished). I started watching the show this summer after my brother had been recommending it for a few years, and I'm so glad that I did start watching. I love football, and I appreciate (to a certain extent), what it's like to live and breathe the experience of the team as my older brother, who I idolized (and still do) played for four years at our competitive regional high school. The performances of nearly every cast member are convincing and emotionally-charged with subtlety in glances, pauses, and delivery that make you invest in their well-being and good. My heart is tugged by every episode.

Now, in full disclosure, the show chronicles very wounded men, women, and teenagers, who are not always able to live out the Christian morality they hear preached in their southern Texas churches on Sunday. However, I am prepared to stand behind the statement that the marriage of the characters Coach Eric Taylor and his wife Tami is one of the best marriages that I've ever seen portrayed on the small or the large screen. The show films all aspects of a marriage that is (at least) 15 or so years in....what solid, daily communication looks like, what issues are important and not so important, what it's like to put the other person's good ahead of your own in real situations and decision-making, how difficult but vital it is to keep the fires burning, what it looks like to walk with someone in joy and sorrow, what it's like to parent (and to parent well) a teenager, etc. I really can't stress how impressed I am with the writing, acting, and overall portrayal of two people still very much in love and who work with all of their might to stay that way. It's really the most beautiful witness I've seen in awhile, and one that I haven't seen written about in Christian circles.

If you watch it, let me know if you agree. Sometimes it's just nice to have and to celebrate little glimmers of light in the media that model in a realistic fashion the culture of life and the practical application of the theology of the body.

Like a Prayer

Agatha, I now know what a wedding is that is not Christ-centered. Last week I went to my cousin's wedding. It was outside at an old mansion and was "officiated" by a women who had received certification on the internet to marry couples.

Now, I say, if you're going to have a secular wedding, have a secular wedding. Get married in the great outdoors, on the beach, in a boat. Your union is civil, and that's a-okay if that's your thing. But if you're going to say you're certified by a "Christian" organization, which she did, you darn well had better mention Christ in the ceremony. And that she did not.

My cousin's wedding was not Christ-centered, nor I am certain his marriage will be. So I was upset when this lady read from some sort of "Magdalene Manuscript" (sorry, patroness!), and went on and on about about how the word for "holy" as in a "holy union" comes from the word "wholly"; therefore, my cousin and his bride were making something sacred by joining themselves together...ie. 1+ 1 apparently = sacred union. Um, I've never taken linguistics OR logic, but that doesn't fly by a long shot.

I think the officiant and my cousin could have taken a page from these Protestant weddings (of course Catholic ones, too!) and hear what it means to put the Lord at the center and forefront of one's marriage. Beauty will save the world. I am sure of it. If Christians have the courage to speak openly about Christ's work in their lives in a beautiful manner, I have no doubt people will be drawn into the mystery that offers so much joy. Some people think there is a fine line between being "spiritual" and being "religious." I say there is a great chasm. The very language we use to speak about the reality we know as Catholic Christians could draw others into the depth of happiness we are granted!

"Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope." 1 Peter 3:15

The Christ Centered Wedding

You are going to think that I only have Catholic friends, and I suppose you're not far off from the truth, when I tell you that I have only been to two non-Catholic weddings. Both were very traditional Protestant weddings, one Presbyterian and one Anglican.

As I was writing the card for this most recent, I found myself unsure about what to say. Typically I wish them to have a long and happy life together, with the Blessed Mother watching over them and Christ at its center. And also many children. (Say that with a little-old-lady-from-the-old-country accent.) Obviously, I couldn't call on the Blessed Mother, but could I ask that Christ be the center of their marriage and their family? Or was I stuck wishing them "all the best"? I decided to write the card at the reception.

I'm glad I waited because their wedding ceremony, and their reception, was truly Christ centered--and it was so inspiring. As Catholics, we have the Eucharist--Christ fully present and received into our hearts. But I think, unfortunately, we forget to talk about Christ. Christ, Christ's love, Christ's providence--everyone talked about this with regards to the couple. We were clearly there because in God's mercy and love, He brought this couple together. And they too were described not as the funniest people or the best people to have on a hiking trip (though they are those things too), they were described by their Christian character: humble, generous, loving.

Obviously I have been to tons of Catholic weddings, and Christ is at the heart of them all--and even with the couples who didn't care all that much, he was present in the Eucharist, our Lord, who died and suffered for us, but rose again and gave us that, the greatest of gifts--but this week I found myself wishing we hadn't lost the language and the courage to speak openly about our love for Him, and our desire for the riches of a fully realized Christian life, for ourselves, and, most of all, for the couple.

(Icon by Monastery Icons)

Briefly: Wendell Berry on Marriage

Yesterday I got the chance to hear Wendell Berry speak here in Washington. It was a real treat (except for the INSANE heat of the room; I know he's all for sustainability, but that doesn't mean in a totally packed room on a warm and humid day we shouldn't at least open the doors for some air circulation, let alone turn the fan on!)

It put me in mind of posting here about his book of essays Sex, Economy, Freedom & Community. His stories and poetry have often displayed a strong sense of fidelity--both within marriage and to a larger community. He explores these themes poetically in his book of short stories Watch With Me about Tol Proudfoot and Miss Minnie (my favorite of his fiction), and again in the essays in this wonderful book.

Here's a quote. (Now buy the book!)

Lovers must not, like usurers, live for themselves alone. They must finally turn from their gaze at one another back toward the community. If they had only themselves to consider, lovers would not need to marry, but they must think of others and of other things. They say their vows to the community as much as to one another, and the community gathers around them to hear and to wish them well, on their behalf and its own. It gathers around them because it understands how necessary, how joyful, and how fearful this joining is. These lovers, pledging themselves to one another "until death," are giving themselves away, and they are joined by this as no law or contract could join them. Lovers, then, "die" into their union with one another as a soul "dies" into its union with God. And so here, at the very heart of community life, we find not something to sell as in the public market but this momentous giving. If the community cannot protect this giving, it can protect nothing.

(Painting by Harlan Hubbard, the artist who's work often graces the covers of Berry's books.)

Edith's Take on Manning Up: Thoughts on Men, Dating, Marriage, Etc.

I have thoroughly been enjoying the posts and comments on Manning Up. To make it all even better, I am currently visiting with Agatha and Julian and it has been very refreshing!

First, I loved the article originally linked in Julian's first post, just linked above. I think commentator Paul is totally correct in saying that stereotypes are totally unfair. He writes:

These kinds of stereotypical narratives go along way to obscure the true nature of masculinity. We don't like it when femininity is abused by bad stereotypes and marketing campaigns, etc. Why do we tolerate it for men?

True, very true indeed. But there is some truth even in silly stereotypes, right? For example, I notice that men are generally going to tell women they want to impress bad jokes. And to men, bodily functions are pretty much always funny. So, I think the key is to learn to appreciate those silly masculine qualities that make guys...well, masculine. I have been in the liberating position of having no desire whatsoever to date anyone, for obvious reasons. Don't get me wrong, I still desire to be married. The frustration is not knowing to whom, since marriage is always with a particular person. The pain is thinking that I did know, but was wrong. However, it is nice to just sit back and enjoy the company of young men without any wonder at what any one of them could be to me in my life. And then you can appreciate them for just being men, and seek to get to know the person for who he is. That is refreshing.

Agatha and I (and I am sure Julian too, I just have not asked her) loved the way commentator Paul ended his last comment:

I just want to say that it's so important to put persons ahead of manners/cultural conventions. Manners, etc., are for persons, not the other way around. And if we're talking about romance, the best ones are not a case of two perfect lovers finding each other, but of two imperfect people, learning to be perfect lovers together.

That is true. Seeing a person as unique, the way God created him and intends him to live is crucial - it is what it means to love as God loves, which is precisely how we long to be loved.

The sentiments that Julian and all of us ladies I think can relate to is the utter frustration of having to put up with guys who don't always treat ladies with respect, and perhaps are not willing to learn, either. Maybe they just want to get a girl into bed or speak endlessly about how women fall over their feet to date them. Yes, that actually happens. It should not. And while men can learn, I think it gets tiresome to women to have to be 'the teacher.' Maybe that is part of the single woman's vocation - to charitably remind guys how to 'man up.' But that can have a backlash too, because one of the most common complaints is that we women are always trying to 'change' men. And I think it's a balance, not that I can say I have struck that balance...

It would be nice to live in a society where men opened doors and would refuse to let a woman pay for her meal on a date. But unless you live in the South, that just is not the case :-). I am being silly, but we don't live in that kind of society even if we should be. (And let's not forget that Agatha's point that great manners don't necessarily make a good man.) And women don't have to go out on another date with such a guy. Bad manners is usually a bad sign, but door opening is not the end of the world. And of course, we can place some blame on feminism, which skewed men's roles and often sent confusing signals about a woman's expectation. (Sidenote -- but one I want to develop more. Back in October, Agatha emailed this to me and Julian on the effects of feminism in the Church. It has some fascinating points related to this, so I will try to write another post on it!) Let's not forget ladies, when a man is seeking our attention, he wants approval and acknowledgment from us. And if he does not want that, then he is not interested. Women should tame men into gentlemen, and men should in return make a lady out of a woman. The key is a mutual self-sacrifice, certainly not easy (or, one might argue, even encouraged!) for the majority in the current dating scene.

So, suffice to say this: women are not from Venus and men are not from Mars, but we are different and we think differently about things. If we try to first of all respect each other as human beings, and as human beings differentiated as male and female - I think we will be facing the right direction in which we can walk together toward eternity and help each other along the way in whatever capacity our vocation demands.

Edith's Silence - Explained

Dear Sisters and Readers,

As you all well know, one month ago, I was the blissfully and happily engaged-to-be married Edith. I had two beautiful diamond rings, and happily looked forward to gaining my third one. I was planning colors, flowers, lace, music, and food. As I was picking out crystal goblets, wedding clothes, and jewelry, I was secretly hoping that our guests might purchase that beautiful (but expensive) china we registered for so that I could use it for a St. Joseph’s feast day party after the wedding. I had a beautiful crystal bowl that would make the perfect center piece! I knew one of my friends was planning on buying me a beautiful pink mix master – which is a kitchen essential in my favorite color! I could not wait!! I was bubbling with excitement as any bride-to-be should be. I anticipated the life I would have as a happy wife with a loving husband, with whom I would help to build our beautiful and holy marriage.

About a week after that, my life changed drastically. I did not get not married, and I am not getting married. Something so catastrophic happened that I cannot even say with detail what it was. Suffice it to say that what occurred ruined any chance we had at marriage. Maybe one day, I will share some of these feelings with you. But right now all I can say is that I am in pain so unutterable, and that pain explains my silence on our blog this past month. But I know that when I am in pain, the Lord weeps with me. I know that His Spirit walks with me daily, each moment, and I will heal eventually. I fight bitterness, anger, rage, depression, regret for what was and sorrow for what should have been, with each moment of each day. But I also know this:

I have been deprived of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is and thought, 'My lasting hope in Yahweh is lost.' Bring to mind my misery and anguish; it is wormwood and gall! My heart dwells on this continually and sinks within me. This is what I shall keep in mind and so regain some hope: Surely Yahweh's mercies are not over, his deeds of faithful love not exhausted; every morning they are renewed; great is his faithfulness! 'Yahweh is all I have,' I say to myself, 'and so I shall put my hope in him.' Yahweh is good to those who trust him, to all who search for him. It is good to wait in silence for Yahweh to save.

Lamentations 3: 18-26

Radically Open

I was at a wedding over Christmas break. The bride, a friend from highschool, and the groom (who I did not meet until after the vows were said), were set up by a young Jesuit deacon. The celebrant gave a homily which detailed the long list of connections and coincidences that brought these two people together (over 40 years worth). It was a wonderful witness (to all present--some of whom weren't believers) to the way God works through our lives.

But one phrase of the homily really struck me. This Jesuit deacon said: "They will have a blessed life and a happy marriage. Why can I say this with such assurance? Because they were both radically open to the religious life." That openness, and willingness to dedicate their entire lives to Christ, to put their desires second to Christ's, will help them, in marriage, to live for each other, and seek out the others good above all else.

His words struck me. I'm often asked if I have ever considered the religious life. My standard line is "Well, I've never felt the call, so I don't think about it much." And that is true: I never have looked and nuns and desired the life they life. I admire them so much; I am overjoyed for every friend who enters the religious life, and marvel at their courage and fortitude. But I don't ever feel the slightest inclination towards that life.

But the single life is characterized by an openness to Christ. We don't have the sacramental bonds of marriage or the priesthood; but we do have the bonds of the Spirit, though Confirmation. We ought to always put our needs aside and Christ's first. Does that mean we should all drop everything and try to join a convent?

I think not. Our desires are from God, and God uses them. This bride and groom are a perfect example of the fact that lives radically open to Christ will take very different paths, and ultimately find peace in the One we seek.

Confessions of an Almost Wife

With my wedding now one month to the day away, I am suddenly struck with...anxiety! I've been all excitement, but the cost of the wedding, the enormity, the not hearing back from people we've invited, the constant meetings, large chunks of money going 'bye-bye' from my dwindling checking account have got me all a fret! I know, I know, I am trying to enjoy it all. And I have been. Tomorrow is my first gown fitting and that will be fun! Picking out the colors of my flowers was also great fun!

But lately, some other fears have gripped me. Nothing about Peter - he is the most wonderful man I have ever known. But the future. In my heart, I just know that I'll be pregnant very soon. I've always known it. You know that line from the film My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding (which you should see if you have not) when Toula says: "Ian and I got married, a minute later I was pregnant..." Well, that's gonna be me. Mark my words, sisters - I have always known that I would be one of those girls who got pregnant instantaneously after marriage. But then I wonder - am I ready for that? Will I be a responsible parent? Should I be a mother so soon? Would a baby right away be imprudent of us? Don't I need time to become a good wife first? And what about our finances? My degree? My job? What about all our student debts? Where will we end up? How can I be a better steward of finances? Will I even be a good wife? With my apartment currently in shambles as we try to move most of Peter's things in now, I feel like the worst of homemakers. I don't even know where to put things! You see where my brain is! And one thing I read in a magazine about marriage that really got me thinking: "In marriage you face the ultimate challenge of living with a sinner but having your own concupiscence exposed." And trust me, that happens even before you are married - I imagine it only becomes more challenging once you share your living space!

But reading through Agatha's last post, and I realized that my worries are sort of silly, probably normal, but silly. Here she tells us of a family who is having more difficulty than ever having children, yet they still trust God. Where is my trust? I guess I just need to chew on the words of my dear namesake, Edith Stein: "Whoever lives in the strong faith that nothing happens without the knowledge and will of God is not easily disconcerted by astonishing occurrences or upset by the hardest of blows." Say a prayer for me! Or better yet -- any suggestions on prayers or reflections for me?

Let's Talk About Sex...in its Historical Context

This past week, Dawn Eden, author of The Thrill of the Chaste, wrote an article for Headline Bistro in which she defends John Paul II's Theology of the Body as something that is not "new" or "radical," but rather exactly what the pontiff said himself -- a meditation on Humane Vitae and 2000 years of the deposit of faith. In my opinion, this is a really critical insight by Miss Eden, one that no doubt other theologians share:

Truth be told, there is something “new” about John Paul II’s teachings on marriage and sexuality, but it is not the newness of radicalism, revolution, drama, or daring. To borrow the words of G.K. Chesterton, the theology of the body is new because it is part of a Catholic faith whose “very antiquity preserves an attitude of novelty.” Its newness is that of ancient truths shining ever bright in the face of a world that is “passing away” (1 John 2:17). And it is very much needed in this age—because we have forgotten the wisdom of our fathers.

As Eden reminds us, if our view of human sexuality weren't there from the beginning, then it is merely something that was recently "discovered," and is therefore up for question as legitimate a claim of faith. Perhaps this is one of JPII's hidden gifts to us -- while we go back to Genesis to find the roots of our sexuality, we can tap into a more recent 2000 year-old meditation in Christ's Church on the use of the gift of sexual intercourse.

Eden's article got me thinking on the importance of examining the TOB not only in light of documents and catechesis on human sexuality prior to JPII's audiences, but the context in which he was writing it. JPII wrote it between 1979 and 1984, when some of the repercussions of the sexual revolution were really beginning to rear their ugly heads. But what kind of meditation do we need now in 2010? We are a few generations past this historical context, and are in need of an address about our sexuality that pertains to a hyper-sexualization of nearly every human activity in culture and daily life as well as an idealizing of human sexuality within the Church itself (or how some of the readers of the TOB are leading us to believe). My fear is that young Catholics are going to be again left disappointed in the theological but also practical use of their sexuality both before and within marriage. I don't really have the answer, other than to say that we could use some young theologians, alongside the "wisdom of our fathers" to seek the Truth today.

One Last Christmas Post

I have a couple dear friends who have recently lost their chance at adopting a baby (the mother decided to keep it). As a result, I have been having the hardest time writing them their Christmas card (I am soooo late, I know).

I know they've taken comfort in the coming of Christ, and the joy of the season, but I cannot exactly write to them saying: HURRAH! It's Christmas! The BEST time of the year. Nor can I offer condolences--it is not as if they baby had died.

As I was sitting down to finally write this card, I kept thinking about O Henry's beautiful short story The Gift of the Magi. It tells of Della and Jim, a newly married couple who are so poor that they sell their own most treasured possessions to buy something beautiful for the other. Della cuts off all her hair so that she can purchase a little chain for Jim's pocket watch. And Jim sells his pocket watch to buy tortoise shell combs for Della's hair.

O. Henry finishes the story saying this:

The magi, as you know, were wise men--wonderfully wise men--who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication. And here I have lamely related to you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But in a last word to the wise of these days let it be said that of all who give gifts these two were the wisest. O all who give and receive gifts, such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the magi.

I'll be honest--I am not sure I can draw out exact parallels between my friend's loss, and Jim and Della's. And yet, I feel they share something in common. Jim and Della give all that they have and all that they are to each other--and therefore are "foolish children" and considered "unwise". But, in the logic and language of love (God's specifically, and ours, imperfectly) they are the wisest of all men.

So too my friends work and sacrifice and love, trying to build a family together. They were denied this chance (and have been before), and yet they continue to turn to each other and to Christ--ever devoted, ever foolish. They, too, are the magi.

Read the whole story here. Illustration found here.

Friends and Lovers

This Christmas I got to meet the new significant others of four dear friends. I got to meet my best friend's boyfriend/almost fiance, my oldest (as in longest friendship, not age of friend) guy friend's new girlfriend, and another high school friend's boyfriend/almost fiance. Plus, I got to meet (at their wedding) a college friend's husband.

It was a strange experience, to say the least. Each encounter was so different, and I hardly knew what to expect. The groom, needless to say, was cheerful, happy to meet any friend of his wife's, and grateful for the small part I played in getting them together (really really small part). He was mostly just glowing in pride and joy at being married to the most graceful (in both senses of the word) woman he knows.

I got to spend the most time with the guy friend's girlfriend--a charming, lively woman who instantly fit in with our rather dynamic and outspoken crowd. In two meetings I can see already why he is crazy for her, and would be so glad to see their young relationship develop into a life-long one.

The other two meetings were odd. Circumstances prevented the opportunity to really get to know these two gentlemen who have one the hearts of dear friends. One was rather overwhelmed by the intensity of all of us and our families (we can be a...vibrant crowd when we haven't seen each other in a while). I felt like I hardly met him at all.

Meeting my best friend's boyfriend was perhaps the oddest encounter, since 4 hours spent with him and his family is not enough time to really get to know someone, especially someone who's future is responsible for the happiness of a loved one. While he was charming, interesting, obviously cared for her, he also shielded himself with his family, and was pretty reserved about personal things. I have no real complaints--I think he is very well suited to her, and I thoroughly enjoyed his company, and the company of his family--but I do wish I had the chance to see him more than once, and to really get to know him, and I assume he wishes the same about me.

All through these meetings, I realized again and again how providential God is. The wedding would not have taken place were it not for over 40 years of coincidences involving friends and family of the couple. Friends who had, for several years, struggled with their singleness, living with their families, trying to find a carrier and place in the world, now find new hope and joy in their ever deepening relationships, that will, with God's grace, lead them to the altar.

I have a feeling that 2010 will be a year for weddings...and I can't wait. But I do hope I get to spend more time with these guys before everything changes (for the better, of course!)

On Preparing for Marriage

It's apropos that I write this post today. Today is the day Peter decided he wanted to become Catholic (he's half Mexican), and I am convinced that Our Lady of Guadalupe - whose feast it is today - (hence the picture) has had a hand in bringing us together. So for today, I'd like to meditate on commentator Aaron's holding me to promise to give more how-to-prepare-for-your-upcoming-nuptials thoughts.

Some people recommend the Theology of the Body study guides. But I have to admit, I've gotten so SICK of hearing about is all the Theology of the Body stuff with marriage prep. I start to hear 'blah, blah, blah...human dignity...blah, blah, blah...male and female He created them...blah, blah, blah...complementarity.' And you get my drift. I thought to myself 'I get it already!!! Why am I getting more lectures about this stuff?' Another thing I got so sick of hearing about in marriage prep was 1 Cor 13 - 'love is patient, love is kind...' Yep. Kinda started sounding kitschy.

But then I realized it. This is all fine and dandy stuff. And when you read about it, that's exactly what it sounds like. What we must do is LIVE it. Love does have to patient, especially when your future spouse leaves dirty dishes around. It has to be kind when you want to scream at him for leaving that dish. It cannot be boastful, it cannot be angry, it cannot keep a record of wrong doings to lord over your spouse to hurt them. And trust me, that's especially easy to do. It cannot be self seeking, even when sometimes you just want it to be all about yourself, especially when you are tired, sick, or frustrated with something at work or school. I've learned and will continue to learn the meaning of "love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,"

Some little things I do (and I am sure Peter will read this), is whenever Peter uses all the toilet paper and of course, never refills it, I take it upon myself to do it, as my little sacrifice (is it a sacrifice anymore now that I've told you?) Now, it does not even bother me anymore. I also try to take care of the dish washer - but Peter has started helping me with that too. Even though we still have two months to the day (hey, who's counting?), my house where we'll live after the wedding is more and more feeling like ours. I think we need to understand what it means that love is a choice. I choose to love Peter despite his flaws, and he chooses to love me despite mine. But I choose to love him as particular, unique, individual. Not just any man can by my spouse. We've chosen each other in all our particularity. That makes a difference, because how you and your spouse do things, communicate things, decide things will be totally different.

In terms of books....I've not gotten too many recommendations at the present moment, but I promise to be thinking about it. To be honest, I've taken to reading Jane Austen novels, which always include marriages and making matches. That's been not only funny, but makes me more and more look forward to the the marriage. Austen has such a way of portraying human character and the importance of virtue in marriage. My father did send me one that I've not yet read called Marriage: A Path to Sanctity.

One last thing. A great grace has been taking Natural Family Planning classes together. We are learning about how mostly mine, but both of our bodies work with respect to our reproduction, and it is even helping us with other things, like nutrition and exercise - both of which play a huge role in reproduction. I guess what I am trying to say, is that NFP is helping us to see how to be stewards to our own bodies, and to prepare them for whatever God may have in store. Hope this helps our readers and any other reading suggestions, advice, etc. is welcomed!!! God bless, and Happy Feast of the Virgin of Guadalupe today!

A Lovely Tale of Requited Love

This past weekend, in the New York Times, there was a piece entitled, "Would My Heart Outrun Its Pursuer?" which naturally jumped out at me. Though I was expecting something that was placed in the "modern love" section of the paper to be odd, what emerged was a beautiful story of unexpected, unhoped-for love between two persons. I like it for many reasons: it touches on the question of the male-female friendship that we sisters have enjoyed discussing; it speaks about following your heart instead of your head; most poignantly, it explores the fact that we can feel so undeserving of love but sometimes, just sometimes, love finally makes us stop pushing it back and let it in.

Go ahead and read it. It's beautiful.

Doing Pre-Cana

Hi Sisters! Sorry for the long absence from me - I spent the weekend (Friday evening-Saturday-Sunday) on a very intense, but very fruitful pre-Cana retreat with Peter called Engaged Encounter. The weekend was at first quite rough. We arrived Friday night and were thrown right into the rigorous retreat. The retreat consists of a presentation by one of two married couples, then the retreants are given questions to write out separate from their future spouse, and then they come back together and discuss their answers. And these are not easy questions. "What do you like and dislike about your future spouse?" "What are your doubts about your marriage?" Yeah, that was the first night...we got to go to bed on that. Peter and I seriously contemplating leaving.

But the next day it got better...it was very intense. The questions got more and more in depth, as if you took it seriously, you really got a lot of it. Peter and I were able to openly discuss our fears and anxieties about marriage, we were able to pin point the strengths and weaknesses of the other and had no choice but to face each other and come up with concrete solutions on how to work them out. Many things we knew we had not discussed in depth as we should have - finances, debt management, etc. But we did during the weekend. We recognized the importance of time management to maximize our time together and our ability to truly minister to one another's needs. We also decided upon the importance of being surrounded by like-minded couples to strengthen our own relationship. We recognized in ourselves the areas of maturation needed, and saw that the other person is stronger in the areas where one personally needed some growth.

I will write more, but for now, I have to lesson plan for tomorrow -- but I'll give more thoughts and reflections on the wisdom of the Church's requirement on pre-Cana preparation!

Movie Review: Away We Go

Last night Julian and I watched Away We Gowith Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski. We had seen it in the theatres, and laughed and cried, and loved it. But was it really as good as we remembered? Yes. And then some.

Burt (Krasinski) and Verona (Rudolph) are expecting their first child. When Burt's parents (brilliant cameos by Catherine O'Harra and Jeff Daniels) decide to move to Antwerp, Burt and Verona realize they don't really have a home--so they wander from place to place (Arizona, Madison, Montreal, Miami) trying to find, as Peter Travers said "a place not to be lost in America."

The commercials featured the hilarious and just plain awful families they visit: the new-agey overbearing self-righetous Maggie Gyllenhal, the vulgar Allison Janney. While Burt and Verona live in a trailer and have a "cardboard window"--its clear, after seeing these other screwed-up families, that Burt and Verona are going to be ok.

Besides their remarkably full relationship, we get to see Verona's sister, Grace, Burt's brother (newly separated, and busy dealing with how to be a single dad of a little girl), and their college friends, who have a glorious hodge-podge of a family (adopted kids of all ages) because they cannot conceive. The best scene in the film is when this couple tells Burt and Verona what family life is all about. Pouring syrup over a house made of toothpicks and a coaster, he says that love--but not just love--carrying on when you don't have a single ounce of life left in you, humility, sacrifice--that's the glue. That's what makes marriage and families work. One leaving their home, Verona says to Burt: this is the family I want.

They eventually do find a home, the perfect, rooted home. The movie is less about their relationship with each other and more about the life they will lead together. And this rootedness seems to me to be the perfect antidote to this restless placeless energy that has consumed our generation.

The film is a joy. Check it out.

(By the way...the very first scene may scandalize some. It's pretty funny, but a bit shocking too...just a warning.)

Advice for Marriage

My brother brought this article to my attention. I post it here in it's entirety because it's true and hysterical. And something all couples considering marriage should heed. Enjoy.

Article posted in the St. Lambert Parish Bulletin of the Chicago Archdiocese on October 4, 2009. The author is Reverend Know-It-All.

Warning: THIS EPISODE OF THE REV. KNOW IT ALL IS EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW. PLEASE READ THE WHOLE ARTICLE. THE REV. KNOW IT ALL IS NOT OPPOSED TO ALL WEDDING CELEBRATIONS. HE IS NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR WEDDING WHICH WAS A TRIUMPH OF PERSONAL SANCTITY AND GOOD TASTE. HE IS PROBABLY JUST HAVING A BAD DAY.

Dear Rev. Know it all,

I visited your church once and am thinking about having my wedding there. How long is your main aisle?

Mary O’Burne



Dear Mary,

I am often asked that question, and never quite understand it. Are brides curious about the length of the aisle because they think a longer aisle may give them a few more minutes to back out of the whole thing? Or, as I suspect, does a long aisle prolong the glorious promenade of which a young girl dreams as she thumbs through bridal magazine as she contemplates her special day, when all eyes focus on her as she approaches her enchanted prince and all the world thinks she’s gorgeous and knows that she has bagged her man just as surely as a Wisconsin bricklayer bags a deer and ties it onto the roof of his pick up truck? I have certainly seen a few grooms who look like a frightened deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck.

Why is it that weddings cause people to spend so much time, energy and money? And more money. The average American wedding costs almost $29,000, according to “The Wedding Report”, a market research publication. $29,000!” Oh, by the by, the usual donation to the church is about $200.00. That $200 goes to the church, not to the priest. The usual gift to the priest is a hearty handclasp. The usual cost of the photographer is $2,000.00. All this tells me that the photographs are ten times more important than the grace of the sacrament, in most peoples’ estimation. The usual fee for the DJ is $1,500.00. I am consoled by this. It means that painful, occasionally obscene music loud enough to cause brain damage is only seven-and-one-half times more important than the grace of the sacrament.

You must be thinking why is this guy so down on weddings? I am down on some weddings because I am very “up” on the sacrament of matrimony and really in favor of marriage. That’s why the modern method of marrying and the wedding industry make me crazy. They militate against marriage. Here is the heart of my complaint. IT IS STUPID TO SPEND MORE TIME AND MONEY PREPARING FOR THE WEDDING THAN YOU DO PREPARING FOR THE MARRIAGE!!! I have known people who are still paying the credit card bills generated by the wedding years after the marriage is over.

The Modern Method of Marriage, a Reprise. The following is taken from my own experiences and things people have told me (outside of confession, you’ll be glad to know.) Here goes.

A young man and a young woman meet and have a few dates. They go for a weekend at a bed and breakfast where they bed one another, and then have breakfast. If he isn’t too much of a jerk and she isn’t too picky, they are then an item. She goes to the doctor gets a prescription and goes on to a more permanent form of birth control. At some time during this stage, the uncomfortable meeting with the parents happens. Everyone is polite and “supportive.” Secretly the father of the young woman who knows exactly what’s going on, contemplates buying a gun and the mother of the young man begins gossiping with whomever will listen about how her little boy could do better. After a while, if things hold up, they begin to have the conversation about taking their relationship to the “next level” by which they mean shacking up, as we used to call it. Now, I think it’s called moving in together.

Mom and Dad buy housewarming gifts in an attempt to, once again, be supportive. They don’t want their little dears to hate them and besides, it’s what everyone is doing these days, so it can’t be wrong. They have vague thoughts about getting married at that point and mom explains to grandma and to friends at church that they are just doing it to save money for the wedding. At this stage an engagement ring may appear. At some point, when they think about getting the house and the kids, because that’s what you do, they decide to have the wedding. They rent the hall and then go see the priest. He tells them there are four other weddings that day and they respond, “but we’ve rented the hall already.” Someone suggests a garden wedding if the church is occupied. The priest says we can’t do garden weddings. (More on this later.) The young couple begins to complain about how narrow-minded the Church is with all these rules and regulations. They eventually pick a date. Then the bottom drops out. It seems the groom is not Catholic. He was baptized in the First Reformed Church of the Druids, though he never practiced. This means there must be a dispensation for the marriage, another irritating Catholic invention, and the wedding date cannot be confirmed until the dispensation is received. The bride goes back to her doctor, this time for a prescription for valium. Her mother joins her on this visit. Finally the dispensation is granted, The groom’s druid will do one of the readings at the wedding, the loans are taken out, the banns are published. Then there is the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. The best man comes to the rehearsal drunk out of his mind, the groom only slightly tipsy. The bride is furious at everyone for some reason known to her alone. Probably because the groom is far more interested in drinking and watching the football game on his hand held computer thing than he is in gazing lovingly into her eyes in anticipation of the great day. In fact they haven’t been, well... friendly in weeks. It is, after all, football season.

The special day comes, the best man is still drunk, the groom is hung over, no one knew about that interesting tattoo that the maid of honor had way low on her back, now revealed by the plunging back of her dress that is held up only by wishful thinking. Grandma, upon reading the logo of the maid of honor’s tattoo, has fainted. Somewhere in all this the vows are exchanged, and quite a few of the wedding party receive their first Holy Communion that day, however one of the ushers puts the host in his suit pocket not having a clue what it is. (This actually has happened to me twice.) The pictures have been taken. The noise level in the church reaches that of an English soccer match after the riot has broken out. The children are jumping off the altar and the priest is scowling at everyone. Now on to the pictures in the forest preserve, a “must” at every wedding. There the wedding party is attacked by mosquitoes, one of the children falls into the lagoon and the bride is having a hard time smiling for the photos. The best man passes out. On to the reception.

The bride loses it because the shade of fuchsia in the floral center pieces clashes with the shade of fuchsia in the wedding party’s outfit. The groom adjourns to the bar where the game is on the television. The wedding dinner is served as music is played at a mind numbing volume. Grandma is better now. She has turned off her hearing aid. The priest is seated with the pious relatives in plaid suit coats and leaves shortly after the grace before meals. The best man makes the toast which drones on about how he loves the groom and one begins to wonder. The college roommate/maid of honor does the same for the bride, going on for fifteen minutes about how she knew the bride would find eternal marital bliss the moment she met her in the third grade and they have been like sisters ever since. Then at some point, there is a video presentation of embarrassing photos not unlike the ones that are now shown at wakes.

The bar opens up again. The music reaches levels that cause blood to drip from some peoples’ nose and ears. The joyous event ends with the bride and groom being the last to leave the hall. They are slow to go up to the room they have rented in the hotel because nothing new or beautiful awaits them there. The groom promptly falls asleep, being heavily sedated already, and, as he snores away, with his shoes still on, our blushing bride, having shed her dress of virginal white, thinks back on this day, her special day, the most important day in her life, the day she has dreamt of since she was a little girl.

They will stay an extra day at the hotel, but cannot afford the time or money to go on a honeymoon because on Monday they will both be back at work in order to pay off the colossal bill that their special day has incurred. For some reason, the bride is depressed. Perhaps she is realizing that the high point of her life is now past and the rest of it will be spent with the lump that is now snoring beside her with whom she has never really had a serious conversation, except about the proper shade of fuchsia for the floral centerpieces. So it is that we celebrate the marriage of Christ and His Church in these enlightened and tolerant times.

Remember, none of these things happened at your wedding, thank God and don’t think from reading this that I am down on marriage or even weddings. I love a wedding celebration when there is something to celebrate. Also, it is never too late to begin again by taking Christ and His gospel seriously.

PLEASE SPEND MORE TIME AND MONEY PREPARING FOR THE MARRIAGE THAN YOU DO PREPARING FOR THE WEDDING.

Yours,

Rev. Know-it-all

P.S. Garden weddings. They look good in all the bridal magazines but they are just opportunities to feed biting insects and suffer from sunburn. It is however amusing to watch the bridesmaids sinking in the mud as they try, after a few margaritas to maneuver the newly laid sod in spiked heals. The bride is generally exhausted from not having slept for three weeks as she worries about the weather reports which are promising a 50 percent chance of typhoons and earthquakes that day. And destination weddings. Don’t get me started on Destination Weddings! You want to be married with just your closest friends on a beach in Maui. That means that Grandma can’t go because she hasn’t flown since the Hindenburg Disaster, and is thinking of cutting you out of the will, and all the friends and relatives who aren’t with you on the beach in Maui realize they aren’t very close to you after all. And I haven’t a clue how long the aisle is here at St. Dymphna’s.

Protecting Marriage

Here is an article written by a friend of mine for Headline Bistro on how to protect marriage and "love thy neighbor". I think it's a great resource to hand to someone if they have questions about the Catholic Christian's beliefs on the matter or if you yourself have trouble thinking through or articulating the issues at hand.