Let me rest

I am tired. I am tired of waking 2 hours before the sun. I am tired of juggling my morning routine with the bus schedule. I am tired of never seeing the sun. I am tired of only seeing the sun outside my office window. I am tired of having a to do list of absolutely essential things to do that is a mile and a half long and never gets done. And that's just at the office. I am tired of never cooking, but too tired to cook. I am tired of feeling guilty about not liking my job. I am tired of trying to find alternatives. I am tired of burdening my friends with my weariness. I am tired of wanting to go to bed at 8 pm. I am tired of feeling guilt every time I think of a far away friend who I haven't talked to in a month. I am tired of missing my Mom's phone calls and worrying about my sister's work. I am tired of the way my fridge smells and the way I can never keep my room tidy and the huge mound of papers i have to go through on my desk. I am tired of having to take the subway everywhere. And tired of forgetting to buy nails. I am tired of nightmares and tired of butterflies in my stomach and tired of clenching my jaw. I'm tired of having something to do every day. I am tired of taxes. I'm tired of lunch. I am tired of only seeing beautiful things on my computer screen. I am tired of being so scattered. I am tired of not finding joy. I am tired. Lord, give me rest.

Roberto Melli

Work, work, work!

These last few days of work before Christmas are, sometimes, utter agony. Everyone around me is wishing me a Merry Christmas, and I feel like a scrouge, because I have to spend 20 of the next 52 hours in the office getting a ton of work done. This then, is keeping me inline:

You have recieved God's call to a specific way: it is to be at all the crossroads of the world, while remaining all the while, and as you carry out your professional work, in God.
--Jose Maria Escriva, #748, The Forge

It's not Christmas yet. These next few days will be the intense, expectant, hard-working days of Advent. And when I arrive home, I'll rejoice. But first: to work.

Finding Meaning in the Mundane

My summer jobs are coming to an end this week as I prepare to take some time to get my curriculum together before the new school year begins. One job was was fun and lighthearted, but the other has been a drag! Don't get me wrong; I'm so very grateful for the supplement to my income during the summer months. I'm keenly aware of that blessing. But...it's clerical work...and it's boring.

However, I was reading a little bit yesterday from Scripture and came across this gentle reminder from Our Lord:

Whatever you do, do from the heart, as for the Lord and not for others, knowing that you will receive from the Lord the due payment of the inheritance; be slaves of the Lord Christ. Colossians 3:23-24

The single life affords many instances to question the meaning of work -- is this a holding pattern? Should I be doing something else? What do my decisions and work say about my life? But as for any vocation, no matter what we do, whether it's changing diapers, working on Wall Street, or spending our day in prayer and community chores with the Lord as a religious sister, we do it all out of love for Jesus Christ. And that can make even the most mundane data entry a gift back to God.

Carry on in your work, no matter what it is!

Prayer Request: for those seeking jobs

St. Joseph at Work by Georges de la Tour

I hope our dear sister Edith, won't mind that we're posting this: Edith needs a job. And she's just applied for a really wonderful opportunity, that perfectly suits her abilities and wishes for the future. So, as she is leading us through this amazing Edith Stein novena (we're only on day three so you have time to catch up!), I ask that you keep her intentions in your prayers, as well.

In a similar vein, I came across this remarkable Rosary Meditation for those seeking jobs. The Anchoress' thoughtful meditation on the Sorrowful Mysteries remind us of both the agony and the peace of seeking God's will, and finally, accepting it. As she says:

"Prayer has power. When everything is falling apart, prayer holds. Any one of us can suddenly find ourselves out of work, and looking at the job opportunities with failing hope and a growing sense of powerlessness that can truly affect both ego and spirit. Once again, we find that the Mysteries of the Rosary help us to identify with Christ, and join our sufferings to His, that all may be One."

I hope they will be helpful to all of you as you are searching for God's will in your life, and especially in your work. Rest assured of our prayers for you--and please keep this special intention in your hearts as well!

St. Theresa Benedicta of the Cross, pray for us!
St. Joseph, patron of workers, pray for us!

From all the toil and anxiety of heart...

For what profit comes to man from all the toil and anxiety of heart with which he has labored under the sun?
--Ecclesiastes, 2:21

I felt, yesterday morning as I listened to the readings and gospel, that these were especially powerful selections for me this week. Little did I know that, 10 minutes after I came into the office, a certain project would blow up in my face, and I would be in big trouble.

The hardest part about working for a non-profit is that there are no little mistakes, there are only big ones. Everything costs us money, and money is the one thing we can't waste. On top of which there is too much work, and too little help, and no possible way to get everything done. Being late on a project--no matter the reason--is negligence. The only real analogy I have is that most of the time I am a juggler, and all I care about is keeping the balls in the air--I don't care if I do it with grace, or flourish, or manage any fancy tricks: I just don't want to drop anything. But when I do drop something--I find that the thing is the pearl without price, and it doesn't just fall to the soft grass, it falls off a cliff, and shatters into a million pieces.

That, my friends, is a tremendous amount of pressure, and a helluva a guilt trip. I've never learned how to cope with it. Sometimes I find St. Maximilian a help: "Let us prepare to suffer and work, we will rest after death." But let's face it, I'm not so good at the suffering thing, and to work I need rest. Edith Stein's words, quoted here before, only help when I know I have accomplished something--and have to step away leaving it unfinished.

But what do you do when the expectations of those around you are too high for you not to fail? And, worse, when the inevitable happens and you do fail, you fail colossally? When your job is at stake? When the livelihood of your institution is at stake?

My situation is not so dire as all that, but it is true that I made a big mistake first thing this morning. And that, though I have been doing this for a long time I still feel like I am treading water, because I haven't learned to swim. And that one more wave will sink me.

On the Legitimacy of Sex

No, this isn't a Thomistic argument. It's a rant. So, consider yourself forewarned.

Last week I was up on campus picking up something from my classroom when I ran into a middle-aged colleague. We chatted about why we found ourselves inside the gates of the school and realized we were both recipients of grants to write lessons for the summer. After being asked, I divulged that I had been given a grant to write two major units on the Theology of the Body for the sophomore and senior religion classes. The teacher was unfamiliar with what the TOB was, so I took the opportunity to *briefly* explain it as John Paul II's theology of what it means to be an embodied soul and how important the body and all of its actions, including sexual encounters and relationships, are as they have a baring on who we are and who we are becoming.

"So, you're still teaching that sex is only legitimate in marriage?" she said with a demeaning scowl.

I didn't know how to respond other than to get ticked. "Well, yes, I'm not sure why I wouldn't be teaching that at a Catholic school of this caliber. I'm also not sure that 'legitimate' is the best word choice though in explaining what the Church teaches." I wanted to walk away, but I stayed and defended the teaching a bit more, although I was met with even more eye-rolling, raised eyebrows, and a very real judgment in the air of being behind the times. I could just see the steam coming out of her eyes that yet another young person was repressed by the antiquated, oppressive Catholic Church.

Okay, maybe I'm embellishing. But I did feel judged. Legitimate? Do people have legitimate sex? What does that even mean? Are people around the world able to have sex outside of marriage? Why yes, I'm pretty convinced that people all over the globe are able to "legitimately" accomplish the deed. I'm also sure that it's legitimately pleasurable for them. And I'd even go as far to say that I *understand* that she is implying that sex is something good and communicates something between two people who love each other.

I should have responded, "Well, if you actually mean to say when you say "legitimate" is that sex is most sacramental, most an expression of the love between the persons of the Trinity when it's faithful, fruitful, exclusive, and total, then yes, it's only really legitimate in the sacrament of marriage."

Sometimes I think I should be presenting this material to my colleagues in addition to my students. A little seminar on the "legitimacy" of the Church's sexual theology couldn't hurt.

More Comments on Our Brave Women

Yesterday I linked to an enlightening series on women in the military, probably highlighted this week because of Memorial Day. The articles are a bit old at this point, so I'm hoping they publish more soon. I find this topic particularly fascinating, primarily because I dearly love a young woman who is serving in the Army. I don't know anyone who has worked harder mentally, physically, or emotionally to accomplish all that she has in the past few years.

I don't really want this to turn into a conversation about whether or not women should be in the military, but rather a conversation about some of the meaty material that the NYT provides us with. The Magdalene Sisters have already begun to explore the role of women in the workplace, and what this series offers is a glance into an incredibily demanding place of employment and service.

I find the third video here really interesting. I can't imagine what it's like to have to prove oneself physically by having to push oneself to make the male requirements, which are undoubtedly strenuous for males. I also appreciate her insights into dealing with death, consoling a unit, and finding meaningful work after her tours of duty.

One thing that Sergeant Bumgarner speaks to is the constant fear and vulnerability of being a woman on base with men. I can imagine a general sense of fear in another country and I can obviously imagine fear when engaged in combat. But the fact that women fear their own brothers in uniform, and the fact that MOST cases of sexual assault go unreported, AND the fact that women (even the married ones) fear getting pregnant is really grostesque to me and very contrary to the thing which our armed services are asked to protect and fight for -- true human liberty. This seems to be the next big frontier for women in the military...freedom to be protected and as protect others.

Women at Arms

This looks like a really interesting series. Busy beginning of the week, but I'll post on it, I promise! Maybe we can read it together, sisters?

St. Joseph Novena For Work Begins Today

I know a lot of us have friends who are looking for work. (And even our own Edith is uncertain about what the next year holds.) So I encourage you all to pray the following Novena to St. Joseph for Work (the feast of St. Joseph the Worker is in 9 days, on May 1st.)

Glorious Saint Joseph,
model of all who pass their life in labor,
obtain for me the grace to work in a spirit of penance
to atone for my many sins; to work conscientiously,
putting the call of duty above my own inclinations;
to work with gratitude and joy,
considering it an honor to use and develop by my labor
the gifts I have received from God;
to work with order, peace, moderation and patience,
without ever recoiling before weariness or difficulties.

Help me to work, above all,
with purity of intention and with detachment from self,
having always before my eyes the hour of death
and the accounting which I must render of time lost,
talents wasted,
good omitted,
and vain complacency in success,
which is so fatal to the work of God.

All for Jesus, all for Mary,
all after your example,
O Patriarch Joseph! T
his shall be my watchword in life and in death. Amen

St. Joseph, patron of workers, pray for us.

Icon written by Daniel Nicholls

Happy Feast of St. Joseph!

St. Joseph with the Christ Child by Michael D. O'brien

The readings last night from Vespers really struck me, as I struggle with the competing demands of work that I love but struggle with, hobbies that I cherish but take time and sometimes feel like work, the chance to lovingly support my friends and family, and, of course, rest. I wanted to share it with you:

Whatever your work is, put your heart into it as if it were for the Lord and not for men, knowing that the Lord will repay you by making you his heirs. It is Christ the Lord that you are serving.

--Colossians 3:23-24

In the Saint Joseph Novena we've been praying, we're asked to meditate on the Christ Child asleep in St. Joseph's arms. I recently had the chance to hold a friends baby, as she gently fell asleep. I sat there for hours, with her asleep in my arms, and was never tired or anxious to move. I feel like that was the last time I really rested. But, St. Joseph, with the help of this Novena, and Michael O'Brien's painting above, I feel I might be able to regain some of that peace, and finally rest.

How were your experiences with this Novena? Isn't St. Joseph just the best, ever?!

Cutting Out the Drama

Whenever my students begin to complain about a teacher or a peer and there is a serious hint of embellishment, I say to them, "In the Words of Mary J. Blige, 'No more drama.'" They laugh (most of them ask for the reference to the song which makes me feel old), and then continue on with their story as if it's the most important breaking news. Ah, females.

I can't help but notice at my place of work, an all-girls' school with a majority-female faculty, that there is an unnecessary amount of drama in our daily activities. One misunderstood facial expression and the whole school thinks something is up or so and so really meant something she did or didn't say.

Of course, I am not immune to getting sucked into the trend of making small things seem like great things. But I am getting better at recognizing my desire to do so and stopping myself from participating when others do, which is a good sign. I've been thinking though, that this tendency in women to be dramatic is just slightly off the mark of staying virtuous. Women are given the gift of attention to detail and sensitivity. It can be used for so much good...if only paired with discipline, right attitude, and good intention.

I pledge, with the help of St. Mary Magdalene, to cut out the drama from my life!

I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine what it must feel like to be a mother (or father), and when I do engage my imagination in thoughts of this vocation, I think perhaps the hardest part of it all would be to watch the suffering of your child and know that there is nothing that you can do to take it away. Sure, when children are sick you can comfort them, and certainly a mother never ceases to offer up little and great things for her children's spiritual and physical health. But there are some things that mother's love cannot save her children from, and it strikes me as the most devastating risk in loving another, especially your own flesh and blood, or those whose care you have been entrusted with through foster care or adoption.

I speak of my imagination insofar as I have two students, whom I dearly love and care for, who are carrying such great burdens that I cannot carry for them. While I am so incredibly humbled and blessed that they (and others) find that they can confide in me, it feels like a great responsibility to have the knowledge I do about their lives. I have been wondering, "Is it possible to feel TOO MUCH?" Compassion means to "suffer with." But what (if at all) are its limits?

Rest assured, I'm not locking myself up in my classroom and crying, paralyzed in sadness for them. I just feel their agony with them, very deeply. I have been ever grateful to the Lord for this capacity to feel things of others quite profoundly, but I always have to remind myself that I am NOT Christ. Lord, remind me that to be a Simon of Cyrene is not to be a savior.

Image found here.

A Response to the Glass Ceiling

Thanks, Agatha, for a thought-provoking beginning to a discussion on women in the workplace. I enjoyed the article links and went over to the NYTimes article which Jezebel linked to. I only have one thought about the matter right now (as I'm very sick), and that's that in the attention is being paid to the dearth of females at the top of the Wall Street chain, but not necessarily in other entrepreneurial arenas.

And a growing number of women run investment portfolios at college and prep school endowments. The Harvard endowment, the largest in the United States, is managed by Jane Mendillo.

But in the heart of Wall Street, the aggressive environment on the trading floor is often cited as a reason that women are rare at the top. Others cite the dearth of women to aid in career networking.

Whatever the reason, ascending the ladder is much harder for women, said Bruce C. Greenwald, a professor of finance and strategy at Columbia University Business School.

“It is more difficult for women to come back because the environment in financial institutions is generally more hostile to women,” he said. “This culture has developed over a very long period of time, and it has been exacerbated as the firms’ emphasis has shifted from traditional investment banking to sales and trading, which is an even more macho culture.”

I can't help but wonder if it is exactly this "aggressive" forum that is in stark contrast to authentic femininity. John Paul II asks us to enter the workforce in order to humanize the affairs of the world. I wonder though, given the financial collapse and the rise of uncapped greed, if rising to the top of this work is something that women should venture into even if it were possible or if it is something that men will inevitably box them out of (and perhaps with misguided intentions, might work for the best?). It seems that the forum would have to change in order for women to work there really effectively. Maybe women should be the ones to change the forum?

It seems I only have more questions!

The Glass Ceiling

I want to share with you a fascinating article from Jezebel Online Magazine. Do you read Jezebel? I'd encourage you all to do so. There's a lot of crap, I'll grant, and a lot of stuff I find very wrong-headed, but it certainly has its finger on the pulse of modern women. Modern secular women, that is. Anyway, in this article author Latoya Peterson discusses many recent articles that look at the lack of women in executive roles on Wall Street and in the business world.

It's an interesting article, and worth perusing; it puts the blame on culture which I think is fair, but not nuanced enough. Yes, our culture still hasn't figured out that balance between equality for women in the workplace and encouraging our natural inclinations towards motherhood. But it's not an either or question: it's a both and answer.

That is: women of equal merit should have no barriers to earning the same salary, to obtaining the same positions, etc. as men do. But, society also ought to support the choice to be a mother. Nor should it put motherhood in opposition to careers (and both sides do this!) This is a huge problem, and one I hope to start discussing more on the blog because, as a young women who doesn't have motherhood in her immediate future, and is trying to make a life for herself (and that necessarily means a career), I do have to grapple with these questions, and often.

But I don't have an answer today. But its something I want to begin discussing pretty regularly on the blog. In the meantime, lets roll up our sleeves and get to work.

UPDATE: Sorry gals, here's the article.


+ + +
Speaking of women in the workplace--though the FOX show House, M.D. is almost totally unrealistic--one could do worse than modelling oneself after Dr. Cutty, Dean of Medicine, and an all around tough-as-nails-won't-get-pushed-around administrator, and yet still has the heart of a women. In a recent episode, they showed the whole day from her perspective. "5 tom 9" was the best episode of this season, and a real treat to watch:

Hair Help!

As a schoolteacher, it's hard enough to get myself out the door at 7:00 AM looking reasonably put-together (and hopefully relatively fashionable at that). I think it's important for a lady to look presentable at work (even if her bedroom is a little scattered after the morning rush). One thing that I usually pay a little less attention to are my accessories, although I do have a few nice pieces. I can't figure out if it's worth buying a variety of less expensive (and lower quality) pieces or whether or not I should buy a few high quality ones to wear more often...after all, teachers are on a pretty tight budget!

I would like to use my long hair as an accessory as well. At least I'd like to wear it differently once in awhile to complement my outfit or my mood. I usually can only manage to wear it down and smooth or in a little ponytail. Does anyone have suggestions for easy up-dos? Any accessories to add a little feminine touch to the day? I have pretty dark hair and think a few things might really stand out in it, but I'm not sure where to start. Here's one link, but I think I could use a few more tips. Thanks!

Jim and Pam: Flaws and All

Me: Hello, my name is Julian, and I love The Office.

All: Hello, Julian.

Like most other ladies my age, I have a crush on the character Jim Halpert of The Office. In his own words in tonight's epic episode, he confesses that he "waited for his wife." He embodies all that we want in a man: gentle pursual, patience in waiting for her to come around to love him on her own, and ultimately taking a risk in forever changing his relationship with his best friend by confessing his feelings. What young woman does not wish for this kind of knight in shining armor (or tie and suit)? Very few, I'm guessing.

But what I love most about the relationship between Jim and Pam is that we have been privy to their strengths and weaknesses as individuals and as a couple. We, the viewers, have seen them slip up, choose to ignore harsh realities, deny their own feelings, unintentionally offend one another and take uncalculated, sometimes imprudent risks. But the two have offered us something that most television and movie couples have not: love that is real, love that is enduring, love that doesn't happen overnight. They are truly partners not only in the office but in life, and it's been such a blessing to have at least one example in pop culture that teaches us that something so beautiful is worth working at and waiting for.

A Day in the Life

Thank goodness for (some of) my students. Today, just when I really needed a laugh, the following occurred in my classroom during a discussion about a current event on in vitro fertilization for women past middle age:

Me: ...Well, we'll actually be talking about that when we introduce sexual ethics. We'll talk about something called natural family planning and regulating birth.

Student A: Is that when people eat their children? (Pause, and then the entire class erupts in laughter). Wait, what is so funny about that?

Student B: What are you talking about?

Student A: You know, like Jonathan Swift and the need to eat your babies.

Me: No, well, um, natural family planning is regulating family size and spacing births without using contraception.

Student A: Oh! You said natural family planning, not natural famine planning!

Hard to be a Woman

Yesterday, in my 3 month evaluation, my boss praised me for being even keeled and steady. But today, in a meeting, with an outside consulting firm, I cried.

We were discussing a project I had been working on. I understood perfectly what was being discussed--we needed to entirely restructure the work. I understood that they were not knocking me or critiquing my work--in fact they admired it--but at lot of changes had to be made that I never could have been aware of. And there I sat fighting back tears. Then my boss said: "Are you all right?" and I said "Yes" and he said "No you're not." and then I really started crying.

And then they were all so nice to me for the rest of the meeting.


I cannot honestly tell you why I broke down like that. More than anything I am embarrassed--not to have been seen crying, crying is natural and I'm not ashamed of it--but to have been crying over such a seemingly little thing. My boss, I don't have to worry about; I know he thinks well of my work and is grateful for it.

But the others! Goodness, I already feel out of their league in terms of knowledge and experience. And this project is actually something I know about, and I worked hard on it. But there I am crying like a baby for no apparent reason.

On the other hand, at my last job I never would have cried--I was too angry all the time to cry about anything. I remember thinking again and again: I should cry when I get home. It'll do me good. But I never could.

Crying shows I care. I'll take that. And a kleenex, please.

lady boss

I love the JPII says woman can influence the workplace in a positive, feminine way. But I really don't know how to do it. The only time I feel really feminine is when I start crying at my desk. Which happens more often than I'd like. So maybe we can learn from the movies:

(then again...maybe not.)

Summer Project #1: Purging the Closet

As a teacher I'm rewarded with a few months off in the summertime to relax.  However, I don't do well with "down time," so I've created several "to do" lists for myself, which span from reading lists, sightseeing destinations around the city, improving my teaching lessons/keeping current on material, and home organization.  The latter is the most pressing as I look around my room, and so I'll start there.  

Every single gal needs to purge her closet(s).  I'm sure the statue of limitations on how long one should go before doing it anew varies from girl to girl, but let's face it, there are certain things that we really can live without.  I'm going to take a little tour of my closet and see what needs to go: 

1.  Shoes.  First of all, I need to organize them by season.  There's no need for me to grab my knee-high black boots this time of year.  My second goal is to say goodbye to the shoes that are worn beyond repair.  Now, when I wear shoes, I wear shoes.  Mine rarely last beyond a season because I only ever buy a few, relatively practical and classic pairs for work that also carry me into the nightlife. This continual usage combined with standing for 6 hours straight as a teacher and walking in a major metropolitan city pretty much means wear and tear on the heal, the sole, and the width of the foot.  My goal is to part with the shoes that I simply can't wear for the next fall/winter season, and to make a list of the colors and styles I'll seek at summer's end.  I'm toying with the idea of having one of them repaired.  Any suggestions on when to say goodbye versus holding onto hope? 

2. T-shirts and gym clothes.  I have ENTIRELY too many of these, and as a single woman in an apartment, there simply is not enough room for them.  I don't know why I'm holding onto so many, because only two old t-shirts have sentimental value, and I rarely pull out about 2/3 of my shirts and shorts for running or going to the gym.  It's time to donate those or make them into dusting rags (thanks, Mom).  

3.  Bridesmaid dresses.  Now, I don't have a collection of 27, but I do have quite a handful.  I really don't care what anyone says, but you do not wear these again (and who ever shortens the long ones?).  Let's face it - if you were to wear one again so some hypothetical fancy event, wouldn't you think that everyone knew you were wearing a bridesmaid dress?  I know men don't understand why this matters, but it does.  My memories of the weddings are in my head as long as I have the capacity to remember, and even if that goes, I have plenty of pictures.  Time to donate them to young girls in need of prom dresses, no? 

4.  Skinny jeans (or "fat" jeans).   No, not the style of jeans, but those clothes that fit into the category of "When I lose 10 pounds or if I happen to gain 10 pounds I'll wear these again."I really only think that women need two, maybe three pieces that fit into either of these categories.  The average twenty-something is probably going to be steady in her weight as long as she is active and working.  Those jeans that I wore at college orientation didn't need to account for the childbearing hips that I've since accrued by age 25.  Even if they are only a size or two smaller, my body's shape has drastically changed into that of a woman (from that of a teenager).  Even if I happen to lose weight (and I do fluctuate), I still need to buy clothes that will flatter a figure with different dimensions.    

5.  Trendy pieces.  Trends change faster than they ever did.  In the Twitter Age, it's hard to keep up with just about anything.  My personal rule is to continue to buy classic pieces that never go out of style, and to only spend $15-20 on an occasional trendy piece of clothing.  Those pieces take up entirely too much space in my closet or in my dresser (including some of those "puffed sleeve" blouses from two seasons ago.  I loved them so much, but I'd look ridiculous wearing one out today).  I think it's best to dress up classic clothes with fun jewelry than to waste time or money on pieces that will be history by the time I get to the register to purchase them.  

That's it for now.  Other suggestions are welcome!