Hard to be a Woman

Yesterday, in my 3 month evaluation, my boss praised me for being even keeled and steady. But today, in a meeting, with an outside consulting firm, I cried.

We were discussing a project I had been working on. I understood perfectly what was being discussed--we needed to entirely restructure the work. I understood that they were not knocking me or critiquing my work--in fact they admired it--but at lot of changes had to be made that I never could have been aware of. And there I sat fighting back tears. Then my boss said: "Are you all right?" and I said "Yes" and he said "No you're not." and then I really started crying.

And then they were all so nice to me for the rest of the meeting.


I cannot honestly tell you why I broke down like that. More than anything I am embarrassed--not to have been seen crying, crying is natural and I'm not ashamed of it--but to have been crying over such a seemingly little thing. My boss, I don't have to worry about; I know he thinks well of my work and is grateful for it.

But the others! Goodness, I already feel out of their league in terms of knowledge and experience. And this project is actually something I know about, and I worked hard on it. But there I am crying like a baby for no apparent reason.

On the other hand, at my last job I never would have cried--I was too angry all the time to cry about anything. I remember thinking again and again: I should cry when I get home. It'll do me good. But I never could.

Crying shows I care. I'll take that. And a kleenex, please.