A Lovely Tale of Requited Love

This past weekend, in the New York Times, there was a piece entitled, "Would My Heart Outrun Its Pursuer?" which naturally jumped out at me. Though I was expecting something that was placed in the "modern love" section of the paper to be odd, what emerged was a beautiful story of unexpected, unhoped-for love between two persons. I like it for many reasons: it touches on the question of the male-female friendship that we sisters have enjoyed discussing; it speaks about following your heart instead of your head; most poignantly, it explores the fact that we can feel so undeserving of love but sometimes, just sometimes, love finally makes us stop pushing it back and let it in.

Go ahead and read it. It's beautiful.

That's What They Said

I'd like to draw our readers' attention to a blog recommended to me by one of our readers. The title is "He Said/She Said" and its authors describe it as "a Christian blog for men and women, single and/or married, who want to dialogue about everyday life experiences and issues concerning work, relationships, community, and the world." Based on the fact that they link to some of the same blogs we link to and refer to several saints, I believe they are Catholic. Regardless, the topics are relevant, the blog entries well-written, and the authors authetic. This Magdalene sister gives it two thumbs up!

Jim and Pam: Flaws and All

Me: Hello, my name is Julian, and I love The Office.

All: Hello, Julian.

Like most other ladies my age, I have a crush on the character Jim Halpert of The Office. In his own words in tonight's epic episode, he confesses that he "waited for his wife." He embodies all that we want in a man: gentle pursual, patience in waiting for her to come around to love him on her own, and ultimately taking a risk in forever changing his relationship with his best friend by confessing his feelings. What young woman does not wish for this kind of knight in shining armor (or tie and suit)? Very few, I'm guessing.

But what I love most about the relationship between Jim and Pam is that we have been privy to their strengths and weaknesses as individuals and as a couple. We, the viewers, have seen them slip up, choose to ignore harsh realities, deny their own feelings, unintentionally offend one another and take uncalculated, sometimes imprudent risks. But the two have offered us something that most television and movie couples have not: love that is real, love that is enduring, love that doesn't happen overnight. They are truly partners not only in the office but in life, and it's been such a blessing to have at least one example in pop culture that teaches us that something so beautiful is worth working at and waiting for.

Books on Marriage

Just a quick note today-- I will reply to the Male/Female Friendship posts - I promise!! The debate is wonderful! But for now, I just wanted to link a few good books on marriage that I am using to prepare myself and one book that might be great for the male/female friendship question -- and on marriage too! I promise book reviews once I've read them too!

On Marriage

John Paul II's play called The Jeweler's Shop. Recommended by my parents!

Elizabeth Fox-Genovese's Marriage: The Dream that Refuses to Die. This one I am just finishing up!! Awesome! Keep an eye out for more on this one soon!

Eugene D. Genovese's Miss Betsy: A Memoir of Marriage. This is a memoir of the marriage between Eugene and Elizabeth Genovese written by her husband after her death. What got me hooked on wanting to read this one was this teaser quote "Eugene Genovese confesses that "time does not heal all things," but he also affirms that is was on the day of his "improbable blind date" with Elizabeth Fox that "the Holy Ghost pronounced my sinful soul worth saving.""

And finally -- on the friendship between man and woman (and I am guessing also on marriage) is Dietrich and Alice Von Hildebrand's Man and Woman: Love and the Meaning of Intimacy. Recommended by a friend who read it! I get the feeling this one will help us in our current male/female friendship debates! Lots to look forward to!!

The Laws (well, bendable laws) of Attraction

Agatha, I like the "So what?" response to my "What if something develops?" post. It actually calmed me down a significant amount. There really can be no fear about something developing if we are loving as God asks us to love. Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). Perfect openness to the will of God leaves no room for anxiety. You're right -- my job as a single woman is to try as best as I can to love what God loves and wills for me according to His reason and providence, and that is it.

That being said, I do think that if a single woman and a single man are introduced or meet socially and there is some type of physical attraction present on either (or both) end(s), then the type of relationship which might ensue cannot properly be called a friendship. Even if I were to cast out all anxious hypotheticals in my own head, the fact is that the man is inevitably thinking or feeling either sexual attraction, indifference, or repulsion, and may not be "open to a friendship or open to seeing how things develop." I don't think there is a neutral space in the male-female relationship for friendship like there can be for a female-female relationship. Attraction, and the opportunity or possibility of acting on it, inevitably changes the game.

The "What If?" Factor

Continuing our discussion of friendship between men and women, I wanted to bring up something Julian discussed in her post: The "What If"? Factor. Julian said:

I won't go as far as Harry and say that sex is actually the thing that gets in the way of a friendship, but I do find myself always wondering, "What if?" What if something romantic were to bloom? Could something develop? This happens with men that I meet socially... In my experience, there is always a question of "What if?"

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say: does it matter? I don't think so.

Ok, obviously it is a problem if the only reason you are friends with a person is because you hope someday he will wake up and realize that he wants to marry you and you can be happy forever having lots of babies and living a life of bliss.

But the vocation (blessing and cross!) of the single life is one of "openness to the will of God." What does that mean concretely? For me, it means going with the flow, pursuing friendships and seeing where they lead.

All relationships have a progression, and part of that progression in friendships between men and women is a possibility of "something more". But I'm also fairly certain that at some point in that friendship you'll realize (pretty finally) that there is no "what if."

(nota bene: I've added a new "tag" for this series of posts. Find them all here.)

Can Men and Women Be Friends: The Agatha Take

(This is continuing the discussion first posted by Julian about friendship between men and women. Here are the other posts: 1, 2, 3)

When Harry Met Sally...is by far my favorite romantic comedy. I love Billy Crystal; I love Meg Ryan; and I love the idea that romance blossoms out of friendship. (Emma is my favorite Jane Austen, too. Again: friendship rules.) Should I ever fall in love and get married, I hope I fall in love with my best friend.

You might be surprised then to hear my answer to the question "Can men and women be friends (without "sex" getting in the way)?". Yes. Absolutely.

I saw this from personal experience, but also from an understanding of virtue and chastity specifically. I am very blessed to have a very old very dear friendship with a guy who is as dear to me as a brother. But that's the key: in highschool I remember consciously thinking: "I could have a crush on him. But I don't. And I won't--because I want to stay friends with him." From that point on our friendship took on a fraternal character. It is a deep and intimate friendship, and there is nothing that I wouldn't tell him, but it is a chaste and brotherly friendship. We even talked about relationships--when he was courting his wife he asked my advice about long distance stuff. And when I was in a serious relationship, he wanted to make sure A. passed his test. His marriage hasn't changed anything, either, since I was lucky enough to gain a dear friend in his bride.

He is, perhaps, the exception that proves the rule. But since his friendship is the first I ever had with a boy (we were still kids when we met), it formed me deeply. From that point on, I think I accepted men as friends first and potential spouses second (if at all). I don't want to preach here, but this really seems to me to be the only sensible way. I hate being considered as potential dating material, and then, when found wanting, thought of as a possible friend. And in approaching men as potential friends I have been lucky enough to foster some deep friendships with single and married men alike--and I would be incredibly surprised if they ever turn out to be anything more.

In the hook-up culture, sex really does always "get in the way" because the sex makes you skip all the steps in between. Suddenly you are physically united to someone you hardly know. Or, if you do know them, it will dramatically change the nature of the friendship. (For Harry and Sally--because its a comedy and comedies always end in weddings--sex violated the friendship, but then made Harry realize that he loved her too much not to marry her--and reminded him that sometimes sex does mean something--and then ended up married and happy.)

C. S. Lewis talks about friendship as the one type of human love that is completely a gift, meaning that man doesn't need friendship to survive. We need familial love so that we may survive our childhood. We need erotic love so that we may procreate--these are animal loves (only not, of course, since we are rational and therefore not simply animals, but you know what I mean). But we don't need friendship (or caritas for that matter). If caritas is the theological love, then friendship is the human love: it is natural, it fulfills a deep need for companionship, and it has a hand in every good relationship we have--be it with your colleagues, your classmates, your spouse, your family. Familial love without friendship becomes a distant and lifeless obligation. Erotic love without friendship quickly burns out.

So, can men and women be friends? Yes, absolutely. At some point that friendship will probably change, and take on a new character. For Edith and Peter it is took on a romantic character, and now they are getting married. But that doesn't mean you have to be bothered by the question: what if? Take him as he is, love him as he is, and don't be afraid of who you are, and live chastely. Then the friendship will grow into whatever God wants it to be.

On the Friendship Between Men and Women

I absolutely adore this post, Julian! However, speaking experientially, I am not sure that I can agree entirely with your conclusions here. I too, experience great friendships in grad school with married men, but I found these relationships are entirely limited to a professional level. The real friendships I have had is with their wives. I find a cordiality exists between men and women our age, but I am not sure that 'friendship' in the highest Aristotelian sense can exist between men and women beyond a certain age.

When I was young -- and by young I mean in my tweens/junior high, I felt like definitely guys and girls could be friends. I had tons of guy friends, as well as girl friends, and as far as I was concerned, there was no 'sexual tension' that people would always talk about. It struck me as so weird that the 'girlfriends' of my guy friends would actually get jealous, because, gosh, really, we were just friends.

But then, as you get older, you start to learn about guys. And the 'guys' turn into men (or so they should). And things change. I have a theory that no guy wants to be just friends with a girl. He's always interested in something else. He may really want to woo her and win her love. He may, like Harry asserts, just want to sleep with her. But one party or another, I think, always ends up wanting something else. And if she lets him, he might even pretend to be 'friends' just so he can keep the opportunity open. I experienced this first hand with my now fiance. He kept saying he wanted to be 'just friends,' and I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him. He always acted like a man trying to court a woman, but always remained in the 'just friends' category. I tried to be satisfied, really, I did. But I loved him so much, I knew that when he starting dating someone else, I'd be the one heart broken -- so I was prepared to cut it off entirely. Luckily, he decided he really loved me too -- and the ending for us is happily ever after...

But at that time, there was 'another guy' was 'just a friend.' His motives must have been more, because the moment I starting dating my fiance, he stopped all communication. And really, would it have been appropriate to continue the friendship with one party feeling that way? And here's another question (I can give my opinion after I get yours!) -- Can you stay friends with an ex? What about when you start dating someone else? At what point does friendship with the other sex just become inappropriate??

Can Men and Women Be Friends? More Thoughts...

Lest I be accused again of not actually getting the conversation started (that's for you, Agatha), I'll post my thoughts on the matter.

In my head, the question has two answers: 1) yes and 2) no. I'm going to be speaking from experience, because, really, that's all I've got here.

In graduate school I was blessed with two really great friends who were both married men in my program. Now, if Aaron Spelling had gotten a hold of this plot, I'm sure it might have gone in another direction than it actually did. (Of course Aaron Spelling would have had to know what theology was!) From the get-go there was never, ever, any question of lines and boundaries. Perhaps because I have been blessed with an older brother, these two gents became like brothers to me, and I was able to talk about anything with them...even my love life! To this day I can still call either of them (and of course their wives!) and talk for a long time. It's been such a huge blessing in my life.

However, I have to say that my experience with single men is another story. Now, I won't go as far as Harry and say that sex is actually the thing that gets in the way of a friendship, but I do find myself always wondering, "What if?" What if something romantic were to bloom? Could something develop? This happens with men that I meet socially, but still happens with some of my single friends from college. In my experience, there is always a question of "What if?" Now, I also don't agree with Harry that it completely ruins the prospect of a friendship. I think it just adds a dimension that doesn't arise in female friendships. Not that one is better than the other, they're just different.

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

For some time now this question has been in the back, well, actually in the front, of my mind. Agatha and I have discussed it briefly, but I think it's an important topic to broach with the sisters and our readers. Instead of jumping into my not-yet-formed opinion on the matter, I'll begin with a clip from when Harry Met Sally, possibly one of the most humorous, yet thorough, studies on men, women, friendship, sex, love, and all of the ambiguity in between. Here's Harry's take on the matter, in case you are unfamiliar with it: