Julian's Update

This summer has flown by. I only have a few updates, but I think they are worth noting for upcoming conversations:

1. I spent late spring and most of summer dating a boy-man (although I didn't know he was a boy-man at the outset). And I just ended things with the boy-man. *Note to boy-men: if you do not intend to pursue a woman romantically, but only platonically, please do not kiss her every time you see her, bring her gifts from your travels, and engage in a daily conversation with her. She's going to think you like her as more than friends.

2. God's grace has been abundant in my life. Last week's Sunday homily was about seeking God in "the storm" (the reading was about Peter on the boat in the storm). The priest said simply, "If you look for God in the storm, you'll find Him. If you don't, you won't." It's been immensely helpful. I'm getting amazing things from Scripture every time I pray with it. Our Lord is so good and generous in giving us words when we don't have them.

3. I'm off to Spain with 26 students and 3 colleagues for World Youth Day! Please pray for our safety and for the openness of all of our hearts to Christ's call for us. I will keep you all in my prayers and sacrifices.

All for now. Keep on keepin' on.

-Jules

A Matter of Convenience

A reader emailed us with the following prompt:

My sister and good friend have come to the conclusion that even

if you meet a guy who likes you and it's reasonable to date, if it's not

super convenient they won't go for it. It's become all about convenience

and what's easy.

She also added these examples:

• The guy regularly wants to "hang out" but isn't actively pursuing obvious dates.
• Wants to meet at a designated place instead of picking you up.
• Continues to contact you via text message instead of calling you.

All in all she concluded that to move from casually contacting to seriously dating a woman makes demands on a man to mature and to open himself to another person. Both of these things are challenging, can be uncomfortable, open one up to vulnerability and, quite frankly, create an investment of his time, money, and schedule that can look quite scary.

As lonely as it can be sometimes, the single life can be quite convenient. Your time is your own, your resources are at your own disposal, and you can decide when and where to give of yourself, be present to and with others, and only really risk love or rejection when you feel ready.

My own thoughts on this are complex and contradictory. On the one hand, I have experienced the examples our reader posed on numerous occasions, and I even had to find the courage to talk to a man who was casually contacting me to ask what his intentions were. In this case, I risked rejection when I said that I had feelings for him, while he was just content to casually keep texting and "hanging out," and had no intention of exclusively dating me. Other men have responded when I've asked them to move from texting to calling me, and really just did not know any better that this is what a woman wants. I blame that one on technology feeding our laziness, or just becoming normative. However, if a guy (or a girl, for that matter), is disciplined in virtue (which is far from convenient) in little things, he or she can easily say "yes" to inconvenience in other things, like relationships.

But on the other hand, a dear friend of mine told me a few months ago that it was only after meeting a certain woman that he "knew what it meant to be a man," and that this woman, by her very existence, made him want to be everything a man should be. He suddenly realized that the right woman made him want to move beyond his own wants and desires. He did the most inconvenient thing: picked up and moved across the country to be with her and find a job to provide for her, as he was so convicted about wanting to care for her. So, maybe it is that it's just wrong until you meet the right person. Maybe we aren't the right woman for him (and he is not the right man) if he's not working for it. And that, readers, is just an inconvenient truth.

The Heart of the Matter

Agatha and I had a great discussion on Sunday night. Well, we have great discussions most nights. But the topic of this one turned to the topic of the heart and how various women understand how they are to guard it from or give it to a man. Naturally, as with all matters like this one, we didn't come to a resolution, but we did arrive at various insights from examining our own hearts and those of women we know.

The extremes:

1. "Hi, my name is ______. Here is my heart! Here is all of me!" I think some women tend to go all in when meeting someone. There is a natural desire for women to be SEEN. "See me. Accept me. Love me." We want to be viewed in full and accepted as is. Why risk spending time with someone or investing in someone if he's not going to love the most important parts of you? These types of thoughts feed into a natural inclination to disclose parts of our heart that are the deepest so as test a man's fight or flight instinct with us.

The pros of this? There is a real openness to dialogue and a willingness to be vulnerable. The negatives? You're asking too much too fast, risking significant rejection, and failing to help a man grow in the masculine virtue of working to earn your heart.

2. "Hi, my name is _____. That's all you're going to get from me." Some women completely close their hearts off from men. The reasons vary: vulnerability is the scariest thing in the world; previous relationships have left scars; we carry an idealistic sense that men need to fight these huge battles to win us. This is without mentioning that the art of flirting and the art of opening up is very difficult to master!

The pros? Hearts should be guarded. They are our most precious gift, and should only be given to men that we understand to be worthy to view them. The cons? We can easily set up these impossible gauntlets for men to run through in order to get a peak into our hearts, and by that time, if they actually get through the maze, they might just be too exhausted to continue.

The suggestion:

Agatha and I did agree that the virtue of chastity is a good model to follow in terms of revealing one's heart (and this goes for men, too!). Chastity is not abstinence, but is also does not clearly permit anything to be fair game. As one grows more intimate with someone at various stages of a relationship, one measures out appropriate gestures to indicate that growth. Likewise, a woman need not give her heart to a boyfriend in the way she would to a fiance, or a fiancé in the way she will in marriage twenty years down the road. There is growth and an ever-deepening revelation to be done.

Book Review: How to Get to I Do by Amy Bonaccorso

With all the glory and beauty of the royal wedding fresh on our brains, there seems no better time to share with you the latest book on dating and marriage on my shelf. Amy Bonaccorso's How to Get to I Do: A Dating Guide of Catholic Women published by Servant Books is a must-read for our Catholic sisters or any of our sisters who are seeking a God-centered marriage to a good man. I knew as soon as I saw the very name “Bonaccorso” that I would be in for a treat. Although my Italian is rusty, my training in Latin reminds me that "bona‟ means good and "corso‟ means way – so I felt confident that her words would be a "good way‟ to follow. And she did not disappoint, after all she successfully navigated the crazy dating world in DC!

Amy writes a witty, humorous, and very honest how-to guide for young women who are nearly in despair as they face the increasingly insane (and oftentimes seriously scary) world of dating – including Catholic dating. The book is different from other Catholic dating books because it is more realistic, modern, and often has little sections from her husband weighing in with a male voice, which is always helpful for us ladies who are constantly wondering what the men we fall for are thinking! She reminds us that to find a good man, we need to involve ourselves in social situations that will attract them like joining faith-based groups, practicing the hobbies and activities you love, and having no fear to be yourself. She encourages women to be hopeful and courageous, after all God does not want you to be a doormat for men to walk all over (see page 112 for Amy‟s take!)

Bonaccorso starts with an interesting distinction between "dating‟ and "courtship.‟ We often hear courtship praised by many of our Catholic and non-Catholic Christian compatriots as the only redeemable way to meet your future spouse. After all, isn't dating for the promiscuous, secular world? I've even heard that if you don't have sex after the third date, a man will dump you. Why should he pay for all those dinners and not get something in return? Isn't that the dating mentality? Mrs. Bonaccorso doesn't think so (that's right, she's a recent Mrs. who wrote this book to let us all know the secrets that do in fact work in finding Mr. Fabulous!) And for the record, I don‟t think dating necessarily promotes promiscuity either, but it can be tough and discouraging to see so many men who do and who seem to expect sex in return for dinner (seriously, I've met that guy).

What Amy does not like about the courtship mentality is that it often relies on fathers to choose what man they should marry regardless of her age. According to Bonaccorso, this simply is not realistic: “A thirty-five-year-old professional woman has every right to ask her father‟s opinion about a man, but she has no business asking to him to manage her relationships for her.” (p. 7)

Although I am still unsure on the actual distinction that Amy is making between "dating‟ and "courtship‟ I think I can see the point here: the courtship mentality, at least in my experience, can sometimes lead to an over-idealistic and often time unrealistic view of marriage that can actual destroy a relationship because of unfulfilled (and unfulfillable) expectations. But she is adamant that your family and friends should have no objections to your potential spouse and that he should be incorporated in your social circles of friends and family and vice versa. After all, if he isolates you from those who love you, that is a major red flag and you should run away as fast as you possibly can.

Amy also gives touches on some subjects that we don't think about don't like to think about, like: don't be afraid to attack the issue of finances with a future spouse. What's your debt and his? What would it be combined? What's your plan for paying it off? Let's be honest, many marriages end tragically because of financial struggles. She minces no words: you must be assertive in asking your future spouse about this aspect of your lives. I could not agree more. When I was engaged (and thank God I did not get married!) I found out only weeks before the intended marriage that Peter had very staggering debt. If we had married – that would have ruined our combined credit and set us up for a lifetime of hardship (not to mention the fact that he was not honest about it in the first place!)

So much of Amy's book resonated with me – even at times bringing me to tears. For example, she tells us to beware of certain "types‟ of men who prey on good women like "the dream weaver‟ who is hypersensitive, always makes you feel like you need to walk on eggshells, or seems mentally unstable. (Could she have described my ex-fiance any more accurately?) She warns of deceptive men who pretend to respect and uphold your chastity but actually seek to break you down. She experienced them and so have we. But Amy hopes that by following her advice we can recognize these ones before becoming emotionally invested. If only I'd read this earlier…

One slightly peculiar note about Bonaccorso's advice is her positive endorsement of the online dating world. Since she met her husband this way, I suppose she should certainly feel positive about it. She writes, “Online dating is the new equalizer. All are equal in cyber space: men and women, introverts and extroverts, and people from different geographic locations. Online dating makes it possible to become acquainted with individuals you never could have met otherwise.” (p.20) Amy was so insistent that the positives outweigh the negatives of online dating, that I actually tried one for a month, but was only contacted by very old men and very strange age-appropriate ones. One of them with a very scary picture sent me a message that read only “Marry me now.” Totally weird. But Amy's experience was very different and I am sure that if I tried it for a longer duration, I may have found a diamond in the rough. But for now, I am satisfied with the traditional ways of meeting people, which Bonaccorso also covers extensively.

In the final sections of the book, Amy gives advice to the newly-engaged and marriage-preparing couples. I really appreciated her take on co-habitating since so many of our generation (so frustratingly) seem to think this is a necessary pre-engagement transition. Not so! “Don't allow the pride of some co-habitating couples to sway you. Remember that people who themselves cohabitate will secretly admire your strength for living independently.” (p. 137) Bravo! She admonishes brides not to become selfish Bridezillas who think the day revolves around them. It does not. It involves not only your husband-to-be (yep, remember him?), but your families and the entire Mystical Body of Christ. We need to treat the day as such, and moreover, treat the marriage as such as!

In short, I found How to Get to I Do an engaging read with advice I wish I had earlier and am relieved and excited to have now as I re-enter the dating world stronger, wiser, and more confident about who I am and what I want. Get yourself a copy and then get one for a friend, and be confident that Bonaccorso's wise words will indeed lead you on the "good way‟ to finding your good man.

Two Cents.

It's been a few weeks since the publication of Kay Hymowitz's article, "Where Have the Good Men Gone?" Comments have been posted, responses have been written. In a sense, there's not much else to say. In my estimation, Hymowitz is dead-on in her description of what is now called "pre-adulthood" - the twentysomething (or thirtysomething) who is free of familial obligations, is professionally successful and financially stable, and is well-educated. The milestones that used to mark adulthood for men and women -- providing for one's wife and children, taking care of a household, and bearing children, are not being met. To be sure, these other things are certainly goods in themselves, and serve to better society in some substantial regard. I, for one, am very proud of my graduate degree and my profession as a teacher of young women. It does feel good to be earning a competitive salary, and to hold my head up high in a room filled with other men and women my age, proud of my accomplishments and interested in those of the people in my company. These experiences we are having in pre-adulthood, well, at least some of them, give our lives some color and interest.

However, Hymowitz is also right that advertisers, marketers, and entertainers are all tempting us to give into desires for superficiality which is easy and experiences that are fleeting with no-strings-attached, distracting us from our most visceral area of vulnerability -- the desire to be loved. Though Hymowitz describes what is going on, she doesn't provide the way out:

What explains this puerile shallowness? I see it as an expression of our cultural uncertainty about the social role of men. It's been an almost universal rule of civilization that girls became women simply by reaching physical maturity, but boys had to pass a test. They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess or mastery of the necessary skills. The goal was to prove their competence as protectors and providers. Today, however, with women moving ahead in our advanced economy, husbands and fathers are now optional, and the qualities of character men once needed to play their roles—fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity—are obsolete, even a little embarrassing.

No matter what demographic or sociological shift occurs, or what milestones are or aren't met, men and women, more than boys or girls, desire to be in loving relationships that are deeply satisfying. I don't think anyone in their right mind would claim that single men or women stuck in this limbo are particularly happy. At this point, it's not a matter of shifting the blame from one sex to the other, or to the act of sex itself. It's a matter of cultivating relationships of charitable friendship, calling one another to "man (or woman) up," and to meet milestones in the formation of character. Even if masculine and feminine virtues are said to be outdated, they are ingrained in our humanity, and will find a way back into society, if only we would have the "fortitude, courage, and fidelity" to try.

Dating, Mating, and More

Well, thanks, Edith, for getting a conversation going on my favorite topic: the adventures and misadventures of dating as a Catholic woman in today's world. The Magdalene Sisters have a rather lengthy conversation about it already (sadly chronicling most of my misadventures), so if you've just joined us, feel free to catch up! And thanks to all of our new visitors and the comments you shared. I really cracked up, but was also forced to take a good look at my own approach to this part of my life.

1) I tend to be one of those women who was referenced who might be saying contradictory things and even embodying contradictory things in her life. I often say to my girlfriends, "I wish these guys would just ask us out to coffee, dinner, or on a single date. A date doesn't mean we want to get married, or we're going to stalk him on Facebook, or create a shrine to him in our bedrooms. A date is a date." But at the same time, when I am asked on a date, I find myself unable to leave a date as a date. A woman can easily slip into anticipation of the follow through on his end. And not just normal excitement, but a real, yearning anticipation. It is hard for us, when we are treated like a lady, which can be rare, to not want to soak that up. It does whet our appetite, both for good and ill. And single dates can come along rarely. Maybe if it were the 1950's and women were regularly asked out by various men then a date could just be a date. But it's not that way today. The difficulty for the feminine heart is to stay emotionally disciplined while not denying her desire to be pursued. If anyone has figured out a "how-to" on this, please let me know.

2). Like Edith I have a "texter" in my life right. I'm not sure if we're friends, or possibly more. We always have fun together. We never talk about dating. Our relationship has been slow and steady, and I'd say we're growing in comfort with one another. I got frustrated a few months ago, because I was doing the majority of inviting to drinks or group outings. He always showed up and paid me attention, but was never initiating anything (well, rarely I'd say). Now, like clockwork, he texts me every two weeks just to "check in," "say hello," or ask me out for a drink. But every two-three weeks is not really a follow through if it's been like that for 6 months. Maybe in his mind this is persistence. Maybe we're just friends. It doesn't feel like it's a pursuit. And that's okay. I just wish I could look this up in a reference book and know what it is.

3) Recently our very own "Catholic Ken" was brought up in a conversation. My male friend who is friends with him offered, "Why would Ken want to get married? He's the center of the social scene down here. He has the attraction and admiration of both guys and women. That's hard to give up." I feel for Catholic Ken (and all of the Ken's). Men in general seem to have trouble in our culture of making the decision to settle down. It must be really scary and foreign for them. As women we should figure out how to subtly help them and challenge them to take a leap in their own lives toward the unknown. If only we all had pink convertibles to swing by, pick them up, and head to Barbie's Dream House for a chat...

It's a Date!

Oh, what a wonderful conversation we have been having, readers, about dating, men, women, and the single life. I suppose Valentine's day is a great day to resurrect the conversation! First of all, a tremendous THANK YOU to Dawn Eden for this shout out. Can I just tell you it made my whole week? Maybe even my year?! Interestingly, I went to a phenomenal conference at Notre Dame this past Friday where Dawn was speaking...but her talk was Saturday and I was only there Friday...so bummed! Luckily, I asked a friend of mine who was there to have her sign my book to Edith Magdalene! And she did! It was awesome! I will definitely be using the insights from the conference in these posts throughout the week!

I thought first I would recap some of our readers major points: you brought up so many great ones, that it would be really hard to reply all in one post!

First, Commentator andersonrc1 brought up a great point about whether or not women should be straightforward with men on a date or risk being considered too intimidating. And Commentator Lianna asks if the problem is with what seems to be a lack of maturity on the part of the men - and I had a great insight to this during a talk given by Wendy Shalit, whom you might know as the author of Girls Gone Mild. I can't wait to share!

Next, we had a couple of guy perspectives. Commentator Aaron gives us a great and really funny guy perspective of the Crazy Catholic Female types! He writes:

There is the "I want him to do all the pursuing" woman. (Man hears, "I will faint in his arms and make him carry me everywhere." Man asks, "Do I have to do everything?") There is the "Babies! I'm desperate to make babies!" woman. (Man asks, "Am I just a gene factory? And isn't next week a little early for a wedding?") Then there's the "I am a professional adult woman of serious tastes and interests and I deserve to be taken seriously." (Man hears, "I am a borderline feminist and probably too good for you and maybe not that interested in marriage at all.") And all of those women may be the same person. So his reluctance to formalize plans may be an attempt to let the Professional Woman be a partner in planning. Or he may be doing elaborate things (which suggest more commitment than he's actually got right now) in an attempt to meet the Fainting Woman's expectations. Or he may be trying to signal to the Babies Woman that he too would like to have babies, but can we put off naming them until we're at least engaged? And he may be changing his tack mid-course, trying to adjust as the various facets of this woman wax and wane. So cut him just a little slack.

The best part about this, Aaron, is when you say that all of these 'types' might be happening in the same woman all at once! I was laughing so hard! And I hope you have lots of daughters too, so that they can tell you how wonderful you are!

Éamonn reminds us about the necessity of honesty and openness in our relationships, and I think too, that his post also calls to mind that we are indeed unique persons, and my stereotypes are just that...as partially true as they might be :-)

Finally, Christopher questions the whole 'dating' scene all together and suggests that maybe courtship should be the order of finding a suitable spouse. This one has given me the most food for thought, and I will be reflecting on this for the rest of the week. Happy SAINT Valentine's day!! Know that I love and am praying for each one of you!

So, tomorrow I will (try to!) tackle the ladies' replies...then hit the gentlemen's later in the week!

Valentine's Day

Oh, I could write a sob story for all single ladies on this day, especially Agatha and Edith, who are close to my heart. However, I'd rather leave a quotation.

We ask our Lover to come for us, and we keep our hearts open for His coming. We choose not to shut down. We let the tears come. We allow the ache to swell into a longing prayer for our God. And He comes, dear hearts. He does come. The times of intimacy -- the flowing waters of love -- those times then bring healing to places in our hearts that still need His touch

-- Captivating

I pray this day that all women and men who wait on the Lord for love to be made incarnate for them experience it today. May you know of my prayers.

The Catholic Dating World

A few months back, I remember talking with Julian and Agatha about A. How we were sick of being single. (Well, actually, Agatha is much better on this score than Julian and I!) B. How we were sick of writing about being single and C. How the Catholic dating world in their city was sort of...comical, awkward and slightly dysfunctional. And now that I have started to at least be open to the prospect of dating again, I too, have to agree that in my city, that the Catholic dating scene is really a little comical.

After chatting with my Magdalene Sisters and my Catholic girlfriends at home, I'd like to describe the laughable 'archetypes' I have been finding in the Catholic dating scene. Here is one that I have experienced personally.

1. The Guy Who Asks for Your Number But Only Sends Text Messages Suggesting a Potential Date-at-Some-Unknown-Time-in-the-Maybe-Near-Future.

He seems really nice and very personable. He then finds the courage to ask for your number! Awesome! But instead of calling for a date, he relies on the fact that he'll see you around with the group of mutual friends. But when he does see you out, he might rigidly make light conversation. Then, he ignores you and talks to seemingly every other girl in the room but you. Then immediately after you leave the event, he texts you telling you that he really missed the opportunity to talk with you and thinks you two should plan on going out for coffee sometime soon. Rinse and repeat for about 3 weeks.

This happened to me with the guy I mentioned in my previous post. Why did he even ask for my number? What was going on with these text messages, but no phone call? Bottom line: He's just not that interested, so delete his number, DO NOT reply to texts, and be cordial and lady like when you see him in group settings.

2. The Hang Out and Flirt In a Group Setting Guy and Maybe Ask You for Some Pseudo Dates.

I have had no experience with this guy, but he is the major gripe of all my Catholic girlfriends. He forges a friendship with a girl and usually sees her in group setting activities. He'll then maybe ask her to accompany him for something, but the sense is that you are not really sure if this is a date or not. He never brings it up, but just leaves things open-ended, ambiguous, and feeling...unsure. He may even spend the whole time you are together talking about last night's party or talking about other people in your group of friends, but never really seems like he is seeking to get to know you better. Bottom line with him: After a couple dates like this: he probably is not interested. Don't accept another one.

3. Catholic Ken

Ah, Catholic Ken seeking the perfect Catholic Barbie - the one who, as Julian mentioned hearing one man say, is seeking the ideal woman who is both a "super model and daily communicant." Wow. Just wow. This man might have all the right credentials on paper, but at the end of the day, he's just a little superficial.

I caught a glimpse of such a guy at a recent pro-life event when a friend of mine pointed him out to me. "That's Catholic Ken, and he is on the prowl for a wife. However, he is only looking for Catholic Barbie. He really is great: A good Catholic and he's super involved in the pro-life movement. But, he only talks to girls who like a Barbie doll."

Well, I must not qualify, because he definitely did not look twice at me! (And being a short, dark haired Sicilian, it's easy to see how I don't qualify as Barbie material!)

3. The TOB Idolizer

Now, before you jump down my throat, let me first say that Theology of the Body is AWESOME! But sometimes, it's so easy to take some aspects of it and run into an idealized view of a perfect marriage and forget that we live in the world. And I recognize that both men and women are guilty of this! We get so much great news about the Divine and what it means to be made in the image of the Divine, that we can easily forget about the every-day-ness that life brings with it in relationships.

This guy idolizes the archetypal pre-lapsiarian Eve so much (remember, this is Eve pre-fall - and not the new Eve) and believes every woman should be just like her. She should be on a pedestal, perfect, pure, virginal, innocent, and basically be Venus de Milo. Chaste women seeking purity, innocence, virtue, and safeguarding their virginity should not spurned, to be sure. That's not my intention. But sometimes this guy forgets that women can sin too, and that they too can fall victim to the lies of our over-sexed culture.

I know, I know, this post makes me seem cynical. But I am not. I am 100% laughing at it all, sort of like Jane Austen as she observed her world. I recognize that these men are human too, and that there is a lot of pressure on men as well: especially regarding purity, so it's easy to see how some guys can err on the side of being too idealistic in this regard.

To prep myself to re-emerge into this oh-so-frustrating world of dating, I picked up Dawn Eden's The Thrill of the Chaste (did I mention I ran into her last year when visiting Agatha? I was so star struck, I could not speak!) I read it before a few years back, but this time I am getting much more out of it. She makes a distinction in the book between being a single woman and being a singular woman. Essentially, the single woman is on the prowl, looking for fulfillment in a man, but never finding satisfaction because she really is self-seeking. The singular woman exudes confidence, charm, and gratitude towards others and simply has fun being herself with whomever she is with. Here is a quote that really put this distinction into perspective for me.

A single woman, in seeking a husband, feels the need to act in a coy, sly, or deceptive manner-even if she normally would never think of intentionally misleading someone.... Likewise, she accepts a level of superficiality from a man she's dating that she wouldn't tolerate from her friends. She's not stupid-she just loses perspective when facing the possibility of a relationship.... A singular woman behaves with an honesty and lack of guile that will appear arresting to the love interest who expects a superficial relationship-as well it should. With her words and actions, she is speaking a deeper language, one that can be understood only by the kind of man for whom she longs - one of integrity. Such a man will understand that the singular woman's straightforwardness and absence of pretense is rooted in a deep respect for him as a fellow child of God.

Thrill of the Chaste, p. 23

Dawn Eden's words struck me with new freshness on this reading, especially in light of the past year's experiences. I know that I poked fun at the awkward archetypes of guys (and trust me, women probably have worse ones and many more!), but I am really trying to keep an open mind, remembering that, as Dawn Eden says, a deep respect for Mr. Right as a child of God is a necessary approach for any date. In fact, it's the only approach to find him.
Photo Credit

On Being Googled

I've been thinking a lot about my use of technology, and its implications for the type of person I'm becoming, how I use my time, and whether or not the internet in particular is helping me to strengthen or weaken my relationships (certainly "the internet" and "technology" are nouns with many uses and purposes, and those could be parceled out and examined individually).

However, one thing that I do not really like is having an "online presence" or "virtual personality." What I mean by this is that if someone were to search for me in Google, various links would come up, mostly linking me to organizations and institutions that I am or have been affiliated with as well as news sources that have quoted me.

This has really only bothered me once before, when I found out on a third date that before a guy had initially asked me out, he had "Googled" me and saw that I was associated with an organization that he did not really care for (and come to find out, significantly misunderstood its mission). Before asking me out, he said he seriously weighed whether or not to pursue something, even though he thought I was attractive and we had shared several dynamic conversations in person. When he said that, I felt reduced to some sort of online attribute that he would have eventually come to understand about me more in depth and more organically should it have come up in conversation. We only went on a few more dates, partly because our morals did not line up after all, but also partly because I felt prematurely assessed based on my "virtual" encounter with him instead of my real encounters with him in person. It was almost as if he missed experiencing me, and instead "experienced" the virtual me.

This is just now crossing my mind again because I am supposed to be going out on a blind date in the next week or so after being "virtually" introduced by a colleague. I don't mind blind dates any more than dates after having talked to someone in person. But I can't help but wonder if he will "Google" me before meeting me in person, and what effect that will have on his opinion of our date and of me.

I choose not to Google him, and to see what happens. Let's just say, "I'm Feeling Lucky."

The Set-Up

Help!

I have never really ventured into the world of setting up friends who I think might make a compatible couple, but I was recently struck with the idea of introducing two wonderful persons to each other (in prayer!). Has anyone successfully done this? I've been on the other end of this process, and have experienced it a few different ways: being the only one who knew it was a "set up," being totally off-guard, and having the man also know this was a "set-up." For those matchmakers out there, what do you think is the best way to go? The opportunity for the two of them to meet is about a week away, in a relaxed atmosphere (a party), but I'm wondering if either of them (or both) should be clued into my thinking.

I'm Not Looking for Average

Earlier this week I had a post written on "dating outside of the Catholic bubble." I was reflecting on the great parts of finding stimulating conversation that revolved around non-religious part of life, getting a fresh perspective on things, and being pursued by a man who just knew what to do in the initial stages of dating. I was also going to comment on the challenges of things like asking to say grace at dinner, talking about certain aspects of my job as a theology teacher, and wondering about other expectations that don't always need to be specified when dating a Catholic (or Christian).

However, I don't feel the need to go into detail about those things in light of my most recent dates. I have an inkling that with the right person, even if he is not a practicing Catholic or even a religious person, that certain things would work themselves out. As someone becomes more invested in another person, what is important to their significant other becomes interesting (even if not totally applicable to them).

However, I don't know if I can make it work with the average guy. I don't know if I'm convinced that the average guy of today's world will find some of the things that are integral to me to be something that would be integral to him. The average guy probably wouldn't think it's weird to have a calendar of provocative pictures up in his office. The average guy probably wouldn't see anything wrong with sleeping in the same bed a month into dating. The average guy wouldn't think it was off-putting to tell you he got your number when he was seeing someone else.

I guess, though, I'm not looking for average after all.

God's Sense of Humor

Had a date scheduled for tonight. Woke up with both of my eyes completely (well, there's enough room for me to write this) swollen shut.

I'm going to take this opportunity today and tonight to pray for you, readers and sisters. Sometimes God shuts our eyes to everything in the world (literally), so we can just turn into the quiet of our soul and find Him there. :)

Dating - Yikes!

Julian's past week of romance:

1. Dealing with with incredibly real, strong feelings for someone though timing is possibly way off. Discernment and prayer is daily in this regard. Any prayers are appreciated!

2. My Mormon landlord is trying to set me up with his very Mormon son.

3. A male acquaintance said, "Hey, would you like to grab a drink on Monday?" last week. Naturally, I think this is just a chance to catch up. He shows up with a RED ROSE and proceeds to go on and on at the restaurant about the importance of conquering fears and how it was huge for him to conquer the fear of buying me a rose, but fears are not from God and on and on he went. He kept telling me how guarded I was, and I should open up to him and tell him what's on my heart, etc. Hello, I only sort of know you.

All of this is to say I need to take my heart to the Lord (and all of these laughs) and beg for laughter, too. :)

Date Night Dilemma

Help!

I'm going out on a date tomorrow night, but all I know is the following: I'm being picked up at my house at 7:30.

Does this mean dinner? If so, what is the dress code?

A friend recommended that I consider dressing "smart casual," as the British say. I think that she's right. But what if it's not dinner? I mean, what else could it be though, right? People in their twenties and thirties are usually hungry around that hour...

Also, not to stress too much, but if it is dinner, he doesn't know about my allergy to gluten. What if he's planning something nice that involves gluten? What do I say? Seriously, only me! :)

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Don't worry readers, I'm not pregnant!

"The problem with having a crush," my wise cousin recently said, "is that no matter what happens, good or bad, it's not the way it was supposed to go."

One temptation for the single lady is to write the script of her own romance. It's so incredibly easy for us to jump three steps ahead in any situation; women naturally anticipate what's next. This is part of the reason that we are successful mothers and wives, but it's also one of the dangers for the dating woman.

Now, this can certainly take a very drastic form in that upon meeting a man for the first time, one can daydream about what a potential future would look like with that person. But expectations can also come in more subtle forms. Often when well-intentioned friends orchestrate a set-up, there are inevitably expectations from both parties, especially if the other person was "talked up" prior to the meeting. I personally prefer to not know if I'm being set up with someone, so that things can organically unfold. Or, one might hope/expect that something could naturally develop from a friendship, but when that doesn't happen, one is left disappointed.

The answer, I think, is to somehow discipline oneself in everyday life and ordinary encounters so that we may, like C.S. Lewis, be "surprised by joy." The most joyful moments in life are those that are unexpected -- they are pure gift. The most joyful friendships cannot be anticipated -- they are sent from God alone. I can only imagine that this will happen with the right man. That even if I know him now, the moment when I recognize him in a new way will be totally unexpected, not one that is plotted or orchestrated. Or if I do not know him yet, he will be woven into my life just as it is.

My heart aches a bit right now in anticipation of my vocation which is not yet fulfilled. But I think that if I will just allow myself to enjoy the little joys, the little unexpected gifts, then I will be more receptive to the joy of a man whose love I could not plan for myself.

Vocation Vacation

The Lord is really so good.

I think one of the most difficult things for the single woman to do is to "let go" of the reigns of her potential vocation to marriage. At least that is one of the most difficult parts of my every day. Some days it does stink when parents, students, or colleagues openly ask about my love life. I have grown in my ability to differentiate between people who are nosey, people who sincerely care, and people who are somewhere in between, but occasionally there is a little sting to their probing or commentary, even if it's well-intentioned.

Now, my reigns don't come in the form of grandiose acts of desperation. They do, however, take the form of anxiety which is definitely not helped by Facebook newsfeeds or idle time...both only work to create unnecessary drama. As my dear friend once told me, "I've dated so many men in my head, and a lot of heartache could have been spared should I have stayed in reality." What a strong temptation for a single woman.

However, I simply cannot stress enough the power of the Rosary and Our Lady's ability to help me as I take a "vocation vacation." I feel compelled to post on the power of this prayer to center us and to awaken in us the knowledge of how loved we are by Jesus and how invested He is in our lives and in our hearts. The nature of His love which is to fulfill our deepest and daily desires is made so clear in the recitation of the Rosary. There is truly nothing that the Lord would withhold from us if it would make us profoundly happy.

The Lord is really so good.

Only Julian...

...would get asked out on a date by a man at a group event which she orchestrated to try to get to know a different man.

The best laid plans... :)

Edith's Take on Manning Up: Thoughts on Men, Dating, Marriage, Etc.

I have thoroughly been enjoying the posts and comments on Manning Up. To make it all even better, I am currently visiting with Agatha and Julian and it has been very refreshing!

First, I loved the article originally linked in Julian's first post, just linked above. I think commentator Paul is totally correct in saying that stereotypes are totally unfair. He writes:

These kinds of stereotypical narratives go along way to obscure the true nature of masculinity. We don't like it when femininity is abused by bad stereotypes and marketing campaigns, etc. Why do we tolerate it for men?

True, very true indeed. But there is some truth even in silly stereotypes, right? For example, I notice that men are generally going to tell women they want to impress bad jokes. And to men, bodily functions are pretty much always funny. So, I think the key is to learn to appreciate those silly masculine qualities that make guys...well, masculine. I have been in the liberating position of having no desire whatsoever to date anyone, for obvious reasons. Don't get me wrong, I still desire to be married. The frustration is not knowing to whom, since marriage is always with a particular person. The pain is thinking that I did know, but was wrong. However, it is nice to just sit back and enjoy the company of young men without any wonder at what any one of them could be to me in my life. And then you can appreciate them for just being men, and seek to get to know the person for who he is. That is refreshing.

Agatha and I (and I am sure Julian too, I just have not asked her) loved the way commentator Paul ended his last comment:

I just want to say that it's so important to put persons ahead of manners/cultural conventions. Manners, etc., are for persons, not the other way around. And if we're talking about romance, the best ones are not a case of two perfect lovers finding each other, but of two imperfect people, learning to be perfect lovers together.

That is true. Seeing a person as unique, the way God created him and intends him to live is crucial - it is what it means to love as God loves, which is precisely how we long to be loved.

The sentiments that Julian and all of us ladies I think can relate to is the utter frustration of having to put up with guys who don't always treat ladies with respect, and perhaps are not willing to learn, either. Maybe they just want to get a girl into bed or speak endlessly about how women fall over their feet to date them. Yes, that actually happens. It should not. And while men can learn, I think it gets tiresome to women to have to be 'the teacher.' Maybe that is part of the single woman's vocation - to charitably remind guys how to 'man up.' But that can have a backlash too, because one of the most common complaints is that we women are always trying to 'change' men. And I think it's a balance, not that I can say I have struck that balance...

It would be nice to live in a society where men opened doors and would refuse to let a woman pay for her meal on a date. But unless you live in the South, that just is not the case :-). I am being silly, but we don't live in that kind of society even if we should be. (And let's not forget that Agatha's point that great manners don't necessarily make a good man.) And women don't have to go out on another date with such a guy. Bad manners is usually a bad sign, but door opening is not the end of the world. And of course, we can place some blame on feminism, which skewed men's roles and often sent confusing signals about a woman's expectation. (Sidenote -- but one I want to develop more. Back in October, Agatha emailed this to me and Julian on the effects of feminism in the Church. It has some fascinating points related to this, so I will try to write another post on it!) Let's not forget ladies, when a man is seeking our attention, he wants approval and acknowledgment from us. And if he does not want that, then he is not interested. Women should tame men into gentlemen, and men should in return make a lady out of a woman. The key is a mutual self-sacrifice, certainly not easy (or, one might argue, even encouraged!) for the majority in the current dating scene.

So, suffice to say this: women are not from Venus and men are not from Mars, but we are different and we think differently about things. If we try to first of all respect each other as human beings, and as human beings differentiated as male and female - I think we will be facing the right direction in which we can walk together toward eternity and help each other along the way in whatever capacity our vocation demands.

Manning Up

I love men.

And I love Philadelphia (my hometown).

And I'm loving this article in today's Philadelphia Inquirer entitled "Manning Up," an expose on the return of the "retrosexual."

I wish I could give each of you the print version, because it has a fabulous picture of a "Man Men"-type cartoon drawing of a man with little diagrams of everything from dating to grooming to chivalry. I'll leave you with a taste of a few of the characteristics of today's retrosexual man in this booming "menaissance," as the author calls it:

Diet: Eats beef, a lot. (Sushi is for wusses) At family gatherings, he always carves the family roast.

Grooming: Although he favors old-school straight razors (stubble is still welcome) and clean-cut hairstyles, the retrosexual rejects girlishly obsessing over his locks. And he would never step into a unisex salon, let along get his back waxed. Beneath his three-piece suit and Hanes undershirt is a full chest of hair. And like all real men, he smells of Old Spice.

Chivalry: No self-respecting grandfather would ever let a woman pay for dinner, and neither will this guy. Same goes for opening doors; these arms know it's the right thing to do. Turns out, manners are a turn-on.

Dress: Mad Man, yes. Skinny jeans? Can you get any less masculine? When he's not wearing his spectators, looking debonair like Cary Grant, he's looking rugged like Steve McQueen. You might even see him with a tool belt (for fixing things), a gun (for hunting), and a car jack (for rotating tires).

Kind of tongue-in-cheek, but kind of not.

I love it.